Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

Chris it's so nice to hear from you,  I have thought about you over the past three months and I am sad to hear your news.   It's so hard to be strong in front of family when your heart is torn in two.. We know that ours is terminal, just not sure how long we have.  The statistics for over seventy year old cancer victims is not good and that weighs heavily on my mind.  As for hubby he doesn't know the statistics so he lives in hope.  To do otherwise would bring him Down.  My thoughts and prayers are with you both.xx

My daughter,  grandson and hubby and I go to my sister in law for lunch and to see the new puppy, Luna, a ten week old labradoodLe, she has us in stitches running around on legs that have a mind of their own.  It's nice to laugh and see hubby enjoying himself.   My stepmother is also there and has just been diagnosed with cancer so I leave them chatting about chemo and scans,  I have had enough of this talk and escape to the front room to play labyrinth with Harry.  Lots of good food and wine,  hubby is driving and insists I drink, I won't argue with that!!  Back home, pack a picnic to take back to the hotel for them, a movie and off to bed ready for the next lot to arrive. We will be eight tomorrow so I need to rest, ready for the onslaught!!  See you tomorrow. 

It's chaos feeding eight people and I seem to have been tied to the cooker for hours!  The first three have gone to the space rocket display, the other three are struggling to get here due to snow.  Nothing seems straightforward anymore!! Everyone finally sits down but the little ones are so excited to see each other it turns into a screaming with delight match.  Hubby is struggling and although he loves them he needs some peace and as usual he is getting angsty with me, which makes me snap back as I am fed up with him being nice to all and sundry but me.  Finally three go back to the hotel, they are off to  Scotland tomorrow so I'll not see them for ages.  It makes me sad as I usually get to see them regularly  but cancer controls my life and I feel guilty for wishing it over when I know he's not going to get better.  It's black moods which take over and I'm sure everyone feels the same in their darkest moments.  We are off to see SNOW WHITE panto tomorrow and the children get to see the new puppy, they are very excited! !

We all set 8 to see Luna the new labradoodLe puppy.  Hubby comes with us after his morning means about his leg,  his toe,  his groin, thinks he's getting a cough again, the list is endless and staying upbeat very, very hard.  I do my best to ignore every moan as I don't respond he shuts up!!  The puppy takes to Alfie,  leaping all over him, biting his ears and hanging off his jumper, Ella is a little more reserved, so we sit her in the big spinning chair and put puppy on her knee.  It's  lovely to hear them giggling and we all laugh at the antics, my life does not have a lot of laughter in it and I lap it up.  Quick lunch and off to Pantomime.   Ella is scared and states she wants to go home, after spending over a hundred pounds on tickets this is not going to happen.  We all thoroughly enjoy the show and our cheeks ache from laughing.  Back home for tea and a snuggle on the sofa.   They are going home tomorrow and my heart sinks at the thought of being left on our own again.  I  don't think I can bear it anymore!!

It's  New Years Eve and I'm sat eating left over  Christmas day pat'e  and a large glass of vodka.  I remember the days when we lived it up in the Bay Horse at Heighington and everyone called me the Queen Bee!! Such good friends and so much laughter and drink.  How many have gone, Alice, Brian, David, George, and many more I could name.  I hope my hubby is not added to next year's list, but who knows.  He is coughing again, struggling to walk and just wants to stay home.  Rump steak,  mushrooms and eggs for him, we have had a letter saying an urgent blood test is required,  I'm not expecting good news.  All our family have gone home to their normal lives but I know they are thinking is this the last Christmas with Dad.  No one has voiced it but it hangs in the air like a black cloud.   I'm going to have another vodka and wish you all the best for the New Year  but I know that some will have a hard time and many of us will be left on our own.  Love Caz.

New years day and I try to put on a cheery face with his cup of tea, but I feel a black fog hovering over me, I have had horrible nightmares about people dying (might have something to do with the vodka) and feel uneasy.  I am met with a grunt and a depressed hubby,  this is not going to be a good day.  The scar on his leg has opened up due to thin skin and he can hardly walk.  I push down the fear inside me and try to be pragmatic.   Plasters don't work, I run up and down the stairs with different bandages, get the crutches out and we make it to the bathroom.   When he comes down he informs me he had the most miserable new years eve ever, he obviously forgot I was in the house suffering the same fate.   I'm furious and get in the car to get papers.  I sit and read mine in the car to calm down.  I am sick of being the person getting the backlash of his disappointing cancer life, I feel trapped and angry at where we are in our life.   Many phone calls later from well wishers I cheer up and a friend texts to say going to the pub.  We get ready, enjoy three hours, lots of Guinness for him and a bar stool, mellowed out and home for tea.  Another topsy Turvey day in cancer world.

It's another day in my world of nurse, chief cook and bottle washer and the day looks like I feel dreary and gloomy! My first job is to wash his wounds and sort out plasters of different sizes, we now have another sore spot due to sitting on a pub bar stool for three hours! When I come to the last plaster it's missing,  we hunt the bed for it and his back to make sure he hasn't laid on it, no luck so another one is got out.  I go and finish making the beds and lo and behold what is stuck to my jumper, correct,  the plaster.  We have to go to the opticians as he has managed to put his specs on his newspaper  and then place his full weight on them when he stands up, I'm handed an arm,  a loose lens and asked if I can do anything with them, the answer is NO.  When we were in the pub yesterday everyone was discussing their gifts and my friend said her hubby had bought her the CD she wanted, oh yes he says The Dustbin Man, we look at each other and burst out laughing,  I think  you mean The Rag and Bone Man we both say, I think the late night and three hours of drinking had kicked in by then.  It's nice to be able to laugh with friends and try to live a relatively normal life, if only it was every day!  See you tomorrow. 

We have to be up early as we are off to James Cook to do something about his leg.   We arrive and have to walk about twenty yards away so I tell him to stand and wait whilst I get a wheelchair.  Steve the prosthetic guy gets a wheel chair and goes to get him,  he has staggered across the road and is as grey as a squirrel.   I'm furious that he tried to walk and am very cross with him.   It can wait I will tell him in private.   I am sick of his macho personality in front of others,  what if he fell, we would be in so much trouble with broken bones or facial wounds.   I refuse to go up with him, so I get a coffee and start a new Karen Rose novel.  One and a half hours of peace and quiet! !  I wheel him back to the car and tell him off for doing what he did, he thinks it funny.  How do people cope with this?  We get home and have lunch and I start taking the trees and decorations down, Christmas is officially over in more ways than one!!

We both have a bad nights sleep due to coughing and hobbling around on a leg that still doesn't fit, despite hours of our time sorting it yesterday.  I stagger out of bed at 8.45 am,  wishing I could just Bury my head in the pillow and not face the day.  Cups of tea a lecture on how bad a job has been done yesterday, I clench my teeth and tell him to go back to bed after redressing his big toe because he had stood on it during the night with his false foot!!   I have a shower and set too on the kitchen.  Just to ad to my happy life my cleaner was in a car crash on Friday and has severe whiplash, I have a sever lack of a sense of humour at the moment knowing I now have EVERYTHING to do.  He comes down mid day full of grumbles,  can he have toast and tea so he can take his medication  he asks meekly.  I think he knows I am taking the brunt of everything but what   can we do?  The world is against us and it's only the 4th January! !  Off to see nurse again, not happy with toe, what a surprise!   Bloods done wounds dressed back out into the pouring rain,  what a lovely day, it's never going to get light today.  I buy the last 4 mince pies fot ten pence in Sainsbury and we drive home, cup of tea with our bargain, beef curry for tea as trying to get protein into him. I just sit down and the phone rings,  my friend to wish me a happy new year plus the news that Bert ie (cat, not hubby) has had to be put down over Christmas, I pretend to be sympathetic but am struggling with the loss of a cat to the probable loss of a husband!!  Now have to see doctor 8.30 am. Tomorrow to see if he has another chest infection.  Somewhere in between these appointments I'm hoping to fit coffee and cake in with my best friend.   Wish me luck!

Hi Caz, 

It's nice to see you back on the forum although I'm sorry to see things have not got off to the best of starts this year.

I just wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow. Hopefully it's good news and things will start picking up for you both soon.

Keep us posted :)

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Caz, 

It's nice to see you back on the forum although I'm sorry to see things have not got off to the best of starts this year.

I just wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow. Hopefully it's good news and things will start picking up for you both soon.

Keep us posted :)

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

I told you the world was against us!  I set the alarm on my phone for 7. 15 am. And radio alarm for 7. 30 as back up, this one goes off so loudly I nearly have a heart attack.  Hubby is up in the nigjt coughing badly and I struggle to get back to sleep.  The next thing I know my radio alarm has woken me up.  I leap out of bed wake him up, the heating hasn't come on, so another problem to sort out.  I get washed, back in bedroom and radio presenter tells me it's twenty to seven, It's not you pillock I say, it's  twenty to eight!,  the penny drops somewhere in my tired brain,  heating comes on at 6.30, phone alarm hasn't gone off, I somehow seem to have advanced the alarm clock by one hour!  I've got to stop drinking the vodka before I go to bed!!  I crawl back into bed in my underwear and jumper and by 7.30 it's  groundhog day again.  See you tomorrow. 

It's now 8. 15 am, and we arrive at the surgery, there is black ice everywhere and it is minus 0.5 degrees.   I hang on to hubby,  one leg and black ice don't mix.  I laugh inwardly about my attempts to help.   If he went down I would be like one of those squashed hedgehogs they sell in the garden centres,  I wonder which daughter would claim me for their garden?  He has another chest infection so more medication.   Will this ever end, when will he start to feel better?   We make it home in one piece,  opticians later but time for coffee with Mary, hurrah.  When we get back home a phone call from surgery telling us the lab have not done a full blood count so another sample is required, I think we will just book a room at the doctors and move in, it's got to be easier than this!!  This week has been a long week, I can't believe it was 2017 on Monday, I feel like I've lived a year this week.  See you tomorrow. 

Hi Caz,

Just wanted to say thank you for this thread, you've given me an insight into how my wife and daughter must be feeling, my wife in particular.

Asking her how she feels will elicit the response 'fine' but I can see the physical and mental exhaustion.

And the awareness that any conversation, about anything, inevitably ends up about me, something I'm now consciously trying to avoid.

The caring seems to be much harder than the cancer a lot of the time. And there's little chance to escape from it when people are as caring as you and my wife. And our gratitude, even when expressed, is not enough compensation.

Best Regards

Taff

Dear Taff',  I'm so pleased to be of help.  My hubby tries so hard and he's the one suffering.   It's not your fault but months of treatment and illness is draining for all.  We try to keep things on an even keel and loving someone who has cancer certainly brings the for better for worse to the forefront.   We're going to say we're fine because to add to your angst would be cruel.  Sometimes we need to be left alone and escape the daily grind!!  Stay strong, everyone who loves you is there for you.  Caz x

I could undoubtedly say more but it'd end up about me in some way.

I just wanted you to know that your writing expresses clearly what caring's about and speaks to some of us with cancer as well.

Carers - special people.

Thank you Taff.

I awake at 7.30 am with a start, I've slept through the night!  I suddenly realise that I have not heard the hacking cough and trepidation fills my heart.  I creep along the landing and listen outside the door, nothing.   My mind is in a whirl, two of my close friends have found their hubby dead in bed and this has been my worst fear since reading stupid statistics that say men in their seventies with lung cancer are lucky to survive a year.  I push the door open quietly and he peeks over the covers and coughs.  That horrible hacking cough has made me smile!   Cup of tea I say,  ooh yes please, I've had a really good night,  I don't tell him my thoughts and go down stairs to make tea, the hyacinths in the kitchen have flowered and smell gorgeous,  blackbirds are hopping on the lawn and the sun is shining.   All we need now is a day of peace and I will be happy.  See you tomorrow. 

We have our peaceful day, no phone calls no going out and I do a proper roast dinner for tea which we thoroughly enjoy.  I forbid him to walk anywhere and run around after him like a little geisha girl!  His wound has opened up again due to having a bath and very thin skin.  I stick plasters all over it to help with the pressure and hopefully by tomorrow it will not hurt as much.  My daughter sends a photo of Ella at her joint birthday party in a wonder woman outfit, I wonder if they do them in grown up sizes as I could do with one!!   She has got a barbie doll house, as the parents now put ten pounds in and split the money, so Ella has £100.00 .  Gone are the days of pencil cases and colouring books!  My daughter thinks it's a lot of money and is thrifty like me when it comes to presents  she will always buy in the sale but you can't if it's money she says..  We go back to the surgery and all blood counts are border line low, so we have to wait for next lot to come back to decide on medication to help, at least he doesn't have to get a blood transfusion.   The nurse says I'm doing a good job and will put her out of a job,  I do hope not I say, it was never my aim to be one!! Back home I lug all the paraphernalia into the house and hubby starts sounding his horn, I ignore him as sometimes he hits his knee on the horn, I stay in the house and he beeps again, annoyed I go out and shout at him, you've  locked me in the car he says, oh well best laid plans and all that! !

Well we have had a horrible night.  I was hoping that the cough had subsided, I should have known better.   I had such a busy day yesterday,  catching up with housework as a new cleaner arrives (my usual one has been in a car crash) so I can't leave her as she has never been before.   The house is like a Chinese laundry and it's so cold outside I can't even hang them up or they would freeze.  By 1.45 pm we go to the tip which is packed so I have to carry everything the full length as needless to say the one we want is right at the other end.  Back into town to pay paper bill, run back to car and off to surgery.   Finally home by 2.4pm a and I realise I've had nothing to eat!  So by ten O'clock I go to bed to read.  By two am. The coughing seeps into my brain and I know he's suffering.  I put my dressing gown on and pad along the landing,  he's hurt his toe again by getting it caught under the base of the bed and the nurse has bound it too tightly.   I go down and make a cup of  tea, some paracetamol  (two for me), re dress his toe, rub some more vick on his chest and he snuggles down.  I go back to bed, frozen and my mind in a whirl, is the tumour pressing on his wind pipe again?  I toss and turn and have no idea when I fell asleep.   I am going to ring our Mc Millan nurse in the morning to see when we get a scan, we have been left in limbo and I'm struggling to cope with the uncertainty.   

It's 12.30 dinner time and I am literally on the edge of tears, which is not like me.  I have been awake in the night again,  cough, cough, cough. The alarm goes off at seven am. It's  cold,  wet and miserable and we set off in all the heavy morning traffic, I don't normally feel car sick but today I do.  We arrive at James Cook and I threaten him not to move whilst I get a wheelchair.   I have a book handy and I will not hesitate to use it around his head if he does.  Another two hours sitting in a waiting room hell of legless people and we are back out into the rain,  wheel chair returned and I'm soaking wet.  We get home and he's trod on his toe again, so I run up and down stairs to get plasters,  the new ones get stuck to my thumbs and after three a attempts I revert to the old ones, everything is so difficult.   I feel sorry for myself as my plan was to have a day at the Metro center with Mary, but his comfort comes first.  I've missed zumba again and feel unfit and neglected.  The Mc Millan nurse hasn't rung me back so I'm annoyed  at the lack of communication.   I am going to sit and slob out on the sofa and watch rubbish TV and hope that tomorrow is a better day!