Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

Hi Carol

Thank you for your lovely daily posts. I have been with you on your journey since I joined in  July and wish you and your husband a restful and enjoyable time without the hospital appointments and hope that you enjoy the time filling it with lovely things. We are still in the grip of chemo hell but only one more cycle for my husband and then THE scan. Fingers crossed for all of us. Love to you and yours. 

Love Chris. Xx

Hi Chris, thank you for your support.   I have done my best to stay on track for as normal a life as possible throughout the last few months.  I hope you get through this and that the scan is good news.  We don't know where we are at until another scan is done, treatable but no cure is a heavy burden to carry.  I will keep checking in so please let me know how it goes.   Love Carol

Hi Caz. Hope you don't mind me joining in your posts. I noticed you mention Teesside Park so assume you are from that area. We ( my wife June and I live in Ingleby). Have followed your posts for a few days as my wife has just been told they could not get all her cancer with the op she had so is starting radiotherapy in mid October. Just to give you a quick breakdown of our situation. My wife had cancer 4 years ago had op and we were told all good took away lymph glands as well. She has a bit of swelling in the legs but not too bad. So all ok then early this year she started getting a bit of bother but didn't make a fuss then in February I was having some bother eating and eventually I realised I had lost too much weight although some of that I had put down to my going to the gym and doing hi intensity exercise although I am 70. Anyway booked doctor got straight in and 2 days later had endoscopy.  Ended up having 3 but nothing found so sent scans etc to the hospital had another endoscopy 4th one and laporoscopy to put camera to see outside of stomach. Early April got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in the stomach lining and in the lymphs so no surgery and terminal. I said no to prognosis as my daughter had come with me as my wife is 80 and I did not want her to hear what doc said. So put on chemo and weight then was 9 stone 6 pounds.  After first dose was able to eat much better and after 3 had put 4 lbs on.  My doctor says that as I had been going to the gym for 4 years I was coping with the chemo better than most and now just had the 7th dose I am 11 stone 6 pounds. I have 1 more session on 5th October then he says rest from chemo depending on scan results for at least 3 months.  During the first 2 months my wife kept quiet about herself because of me and so eventually we got her to the docs and as I said she now needs radiotherapy.  So all in all our house this year has been a cancer theatre one way or the other but we have managed to keep our spirits high by joking as much as we can. Our son said do we get discount from chem and radiotherapy clinics lol.  One fortnight we had 8 appointments between us and the day of my wife's operation I had my 6 th chemo session. So 9am I took wife for her op. 1 pm my daughter dropped me off for chemo went upstairs in James Cook to see if wife had had operation (had not). I finished chemo went up and was allowed to see her for 5 minutes. She then went down for op I went home and because it was now 5 pm they kept wife in till the next day so daughter and I went to collect her to bring her home.  Even the docs and nurses were chatting about the fact re both in the same hospital for cancer treatment but we also had a. Laugh about the coming and goings with the pair of us.  I am hoping the radiotherapy is not too bad for her and please I would rather not be told anything if you don't mind.  I have managed to carry on working full time and getting to the gym although less active than before but I genuinely think I might not be here now if I had not been going to gym as doctor said my cancer had probably been growing for 3 to 4 years.   I am always trying to be positive about our situation and we have just raised over £3000 for cancer research by doing a sponsored row in our gym. We rowed the equivalent of the length of the Tees and back 274000 meters in total in teams on the rowing machines. I did 3000 metres myself and felt great afterwards. All then people who turned up at the gym were fantastic and cheered me as I did the last 500 metres .. it's called CrossFit Teesside no it's like a community and everyone asks about my wife and me so this is a help as well  

sorry this has dragged on but as I am sure you know it does help to talk to someone outside friends and family sometimes  

be stong Caz and I hope things get better for you all  

Eddie 

Hi Eddie,  yes we live in County Durham.   You have certainly had your share of treatment.   It helped me to write a daily blog but treatment finished Wednesday so I felt there would be little to report.  I can't believe how many posts I Actually wrote!  Take care of you and your family and good luck for the future. 

Caz

Well we have tried to stay strong but some days I just want to scream at the world we are having to live in, cancer world!!  The last three months since the end of 20 sessions of radiotherapy have not been fun.  Chest infections, sore ,throat ,  reflux, the list goes on and on top of that sores on his leg due to the prosthetic leg pushing on  thin skin.  We have no idea what the situation is with regard to the cancer as no scan has been booked and we don't see the Oncologist until the end of January.   This is like living in la la land, so I have decided to go back to my daily blog as it helps me to vent my feelings and not get angry with others.  So I hope you will welcome me back with open arms, a Merry Christmas to you all, which I'm sure will be difficult for a lot of us.Caz.xx

Hi Caz, so sorry that you have been having such a full on time with everything but it is lovely that you are posting again. I am sure I am not the only person following your posts and wishing you and your husband well. We have been having a horrible time since we last spoke, my husbands cancer has spread and he is no longer having treatment. We now play the waiting game while trying to enjoy what will be his last Christmas. Trying to stay strong in front of the little ones is without doubt the hardest thing we have ever had to do. Hope your Christmas is peaceful and full of love. Chris. Xx

It's nice to be back but for all the wrong reasons!   Hubby is suffering with his leg due to muscle and Weight loss but he is the bravest man I have ever met.  Funny story in a black humour way, family yesterday for lunch plus six year old Harry, who had lots of robot presents and a drone from Grandma and Grandad!!-  He stayed with us while Mummy and Daddy went back to the George at Piercebridge .  Took some settling after a hectic day so 10pm before he went down, I stagger up at 11pm, I'm woken by banging and clanging from the stair lift,  hop out of bed and remonstrated with hubby over the noise he was making,  you've guessed it, it wasn't working.   He had to crawl up on all fours to bed!!  We suddenly realised this morning that all the remote controls had totally put it out of synch.   Oh for the good old days of clementines and chocolates! ! We are back up and running, (well not literally running).  We do so wish this is not our last Christmas together.   Roll on January when we hope for better news.  Love to you all. Caz

Chris it's so nice to hear from you,  I have thought about you over the past three months and I am sad to hear your news.   It's so hard to be strong in front of family when your heart is torn in two.. We know that ours is terminal, just not sure how long we have.  The statistics for over seventy year old cancer victims is not good and that weighs heavily on my mind.  As for hubby he doesn't know the statistics so he lives in hope.  To do otherwise would bring him Down.  My thoughts and prayers are with you both.xx

My daughter,  grandson and hubby and I go to my sister in law for lunch and to see the new puppy, Luna, a ten week old labradoodLe, she has us in stitches running around on legs that have a mind of their own.  It's nice to laugh and see hubby enjoying himself.   My stepmother is also there and has just been diagnosed with cancer so I leave them chatting about chemo and scans,  I have had enough of this talk and escape to the front room to play labyrinth with Harry.  Lots of good food and wine,  hubby is driving and insists I drink, I won't argue with that!!  Back home, pack a picnic to take back to the hotel for them, a movie and off to bed ready for the next lot to arrive. We will be eight tomorrow so I need to rest, ready for the onslaught!!  See you tomorrow. 

It's chaos feeding eight people and I seem to have been tied to the cooker for hours!  The first three have gone to the space rocket display, the other three are struggling to get here due to snow.  Nothing seems straightforward anymore!! Everyone finally sits down but the little ones are so excited to see each other it turns into a screaming with delight match.  Hubby is struggling and although he loves them he needs some peace and as usual he is getting angsty with me, which makes me snap back as I am fed up with him being nice to all and sundry but me.  Finally three go back to the hotel, they are off to  Scotland tomorrow so I'll not see them for ages.  It makes me sad as I usually get to see them regularly  but cancer controls my life and I feel guilty for wishing it over when I know he's not going to get better.  It's black moods which take over and I'm sure everyone feels the same in their darkest moments.  We are off to see SNOW WHITE panto tomorrow and the children get to see the new puppy, they are very excited! !

It's chaos feeding eight people and I seem to have been tied to the cooker for hours!  The first three have gone to the space rocket display, the other three are struggling to get here due to snow.  Nothing seems straightforward anymore!! Everyone finally sits down but the little ones are so excited to see each other it turns into a screaming with delight match.  Hubby is struggling and although he loves them he needs some peace and as usual he is getting angsty with me, which makes me snap back as I am fed up with him being nice to all and sundry but me.  Finally three go back to the hotel, they are off to  Scotland tomorrow so I'll not see them for ages.  It makes me sad as I usually get to see them regularly  but cancer controls my life and I feel guilty for wishing it over when I know he's not going to get better.  It's black moods which take over and I'm sure everyone feels the same in their darkest moments.  We are off to see SNOW WHITE panto tomorrow and the children get to see the new puppy, they are very excited! !

We all set 8 to see Luna the new labradoodLe puppy.  Hubby comes with us after his morning means about his leg,  his toe,  his groin, thinks he's getting a cough again, the list is endless and staying upbeat very, very hard.  I do my best to ignore every moan as I don't respond he shuts up!!  The puppy takes to Alfie,  leaping all over him, biting his ears and hanging off his jumper, Ella is a little more reserved, so we sit her in the big spinning chair and put puppy on her knee.  It's  lovely to hear them giggling and we all laugh at the antics, my life does not have a lot of laughter in it and I lap it up.  Quick lunch and off to Pantomime.   Ella is scared and states she wants to go home, after spending over a hundred pounds on tickets this is not going to happen.  We all thoroughly enjoy the show and our cheeks ache from laughing.  Back home for tea and a snuggle on the sofa.   They are going home tomorrow and my heart sinks at the thought of being left on our own again.  I  don't think I can bear it anymore!!

It's  New Years Eve and I'm sat eating left over  Christmas day pat'e  and a large glass of vodka.  I remember the days when we lived it up in the Bay Horse at Heighington and everyone called me the Queen Bee!! Such good friends and so much laughter and drink.  How many have gone, Alice, Brian, David, George, and many more I could name.  I hope my hubby is not added to next year's list, but who knows.  He is coughing again, struggling to walk and just wants to stay home.  Rump steak,  mushrooms and eggs for him, we have had a letter saying an urgent blood test is required,  I'm not expecting good news.  All our family have gone home to their normal lives but I know they are thinking is this the last Christmas with Dad.  No one has voiced it but it hangs in the air like a black cloud.   I'm going to have another vodka and wish you all the best for the New Year  but I know that some will have a hard time and many of us will be left on our own.  Love Caz.

New years day and I try to put on a cheery face with his cup of tea, but I feel a black fog hovering over me, I have had horrible nightmares about people dying (might have something to do with the vodka) and feel uneasy.  I am met with a grunt and a depressed hubby,  this is not going to be a good day.  The scar on his leg has opened up due to thin skin and he can hardly walk.  I push down the fear inside me and try to be pragmatic.   Plasters don't work, I run up and down the stairs with different bandages, get the crutches out and we make it to the bathroom.   When he comes down he informs me he had the most miserable new years eve ever, he obviously forgot I was in the house suffering the same fate.   I'm furious and get in the car to get papers.  I sit and read mine in the car to calm down.  I am sick of being the person getting the backlash of his disappointing cancer life, I feel trapped and angry at where we are in our life.   Many phone calls later from well wishers I cheer up and a friend texts to say going to the pub.  We get ready, enjoy three hours, lots of Guinness for him and a bar stool, mellowed out and home for tea.  Another topsy Turvey day in cancer world.

It's another day in my world of nurse, chief cook and bottle washer and the day looks like I feel dreary and gloomy! My first job is to wash his wounds and sort out plasters of different sizes, we now have another sore spot due to sitting on a pub bar stool for three hours! When I come to the last plaster it's missing,  we hunt the bed for it and his back to make sure he hasn't laid on it, no luck so another one is got out.  I go and finish making the beds and lo and behold what is stuck to my jumper, correct,  the plaster.  We have to go to the opticians as he has managed to put his specs on his newspaper  and then place his full weight on them when he stands up, I'm handed an arm,  a loose lens and asked if I can do anything with them, the answer is NO.  When we were in the pub yesterday everyone was discussing their gifts and my friend said her hubby had bought her the CD she wanted, oh yes he says The Dustbin Man, we look at each other and burst out laughing,  I think  you mean The Rag and Bone Man we both say, I think the late night and three hours of drinking had kicked in by then.  It's nice to be able to laugh with friends and try to live a relatively normal life, if only it was every day!  See you tomorrow. 

We have to be up early as we are off to James Cook to do something about his leg.   We arrive and have to walk about twenty yards away so I tell him to stand and wait whilst I get a wheelchair.  Steve the prosthetic guy gets a wheel chair and goes to get him,  he has staggered across the road and is as grey as a squirrel.   I'm furious that he tried to walk and am very cross with him.   It can wait I will tell him in private.   I am sick of his macho personality in front of others,  what if he fell, we would be in so much trouble with broken bones or facial wounds.   I refuse to go up with him, so I get a coffee and start a new Karen Rose novel.  One and a half hours of peace and quiet! !  I wheel him back to the car and tell him off for doing what he did, he thinks it funny.  How do people cope with this?  We get home and have lunch and I start taking the trees and decorations down, Christmas is officially over in more ways than one!!

We both have a bad nights sleep due to coughing and hobbling around on a leg that still doesn't fit, despite hours of our time sorting it yesterday.  I stagger out of bed at 8.45 am,  wishing I could just Bury my head in the pillow and not face the day.  Cups of tea a lecture on how bad a job has been done yesterday, I clench my teeth and tell him to go back to bed after redressing his big toe because he had stood on it during the night with his false foot!!   I have a shower and set too on the kitchen.  Just to ad to my happy life my cleaner was in a car crash on Friday and has severe whiplash, I have a sever lack of a sense of humour at the moment knowing I now have EVERYTHING to do.  He comes down mid day full of grumbles,  can he have toast and tea so he can take his medication  he asks meekly.  I think he knows I am taking the brunt of everything but what   can we do?  The world is against us and it's only the 4th January! !  Off to see nurse again, not happy with toe, what a surprise!   Bloods done wounds dressed back out into the pouring rain,  what a lovely day, it's never going to get light today.  I buy the last 4 mince pies fot ten pence in Sainsbury and we drive home, cup of tea with our bargain, beef curry for tea as trying to get protein into him. I just sit down and the phone rings,  my friend to wish me a happy new year plus the news that Bert ie (cat, not hubby) has had to be put down over Christmas, I pretend to be sympathetic but am struggling with the loss of a cat to the probable loss of a husband!!  Now have to see doctor 8.30 am. Tomorrow to see if he has another chest infection.  Somewhere in between these appointments I'm hoping to fit coffee and cake in with my best friend.   Wish me luck!

Hi Caz, 

It's nice to see you back on the forum although I'm sorry to see things have not got off to the best of starts this year.

I just wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow. Hopefully it's good news and things will start picking up for you both soon.

Keep us posted :)

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

I told you the world was against us!  I set the alarm on my phone for 7. 15 am. And radio alarm for 7. 30 as back up, this one goes off so loudly I nearly have a heart attack.  Hubby is up in the nigjt coughing badly and I struggle to get back to sleep.  The next thing I know my radio alarm has woken me up.  I leap out of bed wake him up, the heating hasn't come on, so another problem to sort out.  I get washed, back in bedroom and radio presenter tells me it's twenty to seven, It's not you pillock I say, it's  twenty to eight!,  the penny drops somewhere in my tired brain,  heating comes on at 6.30, phone alarm hasn't gone off, I somehow seem to have advanced the alarm clock by one hour!  I've got to stop drinking the vodka before I go to bed!!  I crawl back into bed in my underwear and jumper and by 7.30 it's  groundhog day again.  See you tomorrow. 

It's now 8. 15 am, and we arrive at the surgery, there is black ice everywhere and it is minus 0.5 degrees.   I hang on to hubby,  one leg and black ice don't mix.  I laugh inwardly about my attempts to help.   If he went down I would be like one of those squashed hedgehogs they sell in the garden centres,  I wonder which daughter would claim me for their garden?  He has another chest infection so more medication.   Will this ever end, when will he start to feel better?   We make it home in one piece,  opticians later but time for coffee with Mary, hurrah.  When we get back home a phone call from surgery telling us the lab have not done a full blood count so another sample is required, I think we will just book a room at the doctors and move in, it's got to be easier than this!!  This week has been a long week, I can't believe it was 2017 on Monday, I feel like I've lived a year this week.  See you tomorrow. 

Hi Caz,

Just wanted to say thank you for this thread, you've given me an insight into how my wife and daughter must be feeling, my wife in particular.

Asking her how she feels will elicit the response 'fine' but I can see the physical and mental exhaustion.

And the awareness that any conversation, about anything, inevitably ends up about me, something I'm now consciously trying to avoid.

The caring seems to be much harder than the cancer a lot of the time. And there's little chance to escape from it when people are as caring as you and my wife. And our gratitude, even when expressed, is not enough compensation.

Best Regards

Taff