Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

I told you the world was against us!  I set the alarm on my phone for 7. 15 am. And radio alarm for 7. 30 as back up, this one goes off so loudly I nearly have a heart attack.  Hubby is up in the nigjt coughing badly and I struggle to get back to sleep.  The next thing I know my radio alarm has woken me up.  I leap out of bed wake him up, the heating hasn't come on, so another problem to sort out.  I get washed, back in bedroom and radio presenter tells me it's twenty to seven, It's not you pillock I say, it's  twenty to eight!,  the penny drops somewhere in my tired brain,  heating comes on at 6.30, phone alarm hasn't gone off, I somehow seem to have advanced the alarm clock by one hour!  I've got to stop drinking the vodka before I go to bed!!  I crawl back into bed in my underwear and jumper and by 7.30 it's  groundhog day again.  See you tomorrow. 

It's now 8. 15 am, and we arrive at the surgery, there is black ice everywhere and it is minus 0.5 degrees.   I hang on to hubby,  one leg and black ice don't mix.  I laugh inwardly about my attempts to help.   If he went down I would be like one of those squashed hedgehogs they sell in the garden centres,  I wonder which daughter would claim me for their garden?  He has another chest infection so more medication.   Will this ever end, when will he start to feel better?   We make it home in one piece,  opticians later but time for coffee with Mary, hurrah.  When we get back home a phone call from surgery telling us the lab have not done a full blood count so another sample is required, I think we will just book a room at the doctors and move in, it's got to be easier than this!!  This week has been a long week, I can't believe it was 2017 on Monday, I feel like I've lived a year this week.  See you tomorrow. 

Hi Caz,

Just wanted to say thank you for this thread, you've given me an insight into how my wife and daughter must be feeling, my wife in particular.

Asking her how she feels will elicit the response 'fine' but I can see the physical and mental exhaustion.

And the awareness that any conversation, about anything, inevitably ends up about me, something I'm now consciously trying to avoid.

The caring seems to be much harder than the cancer a lot of the time. And there's little chance to escape from it when people are as caring as you and my wife. And our gratitude, even when expressed, is not enough compensation.

Best Regards

Taff

Dear Taff',  I'm so pleased to be of help.  My hubby tries so hard and he's the one suffering.   It's not your fault but months of treatment and illness is draining for all.  We try to keep things on an even keel and loving someone who has cancer certainly brings the for better for worse to the forefront.   We're going to say we're fine because to add to your angst would be cruel.  Sometimes we need to be left alone and escape the daily grind!!  Stay strong, everyone who loves you is there for you.  Caz x

I could undoubtedly say more but it'd end up about me in some way.

I just wanted you to know that your writing expresses clearly what caring's about and speaks to some of us with cancer as well.

Carers - special people.

Thank you Taff.

I awake at 7.30 am with a start, I've slept through the night!  I suddenly realise that I have not heard the hacking cough and trepidation fills my heart.  I creep along the landing and listen outside the door, nothing.   My mind is in a whirl, two of my close friends have found their hubby dead in bed and this has been my worst fear since reading stupid statistics that say men in their seventies with lung cancer are lucky to survive a year.  I push the door open quietly and he peeks over the covers and coughs.  That horrible hacking cough has made me smile!   Cup of tea I say,  ooh yes please, I've had a really good night,  I don't tell him my thoughts and go down stairs to make tea, the hyacinths in the kitchen have flowered and smell gorgeous,  blackbirds are hopping on the lawn and the sun is shining.   All we need now is a day of peace and I will be happy.  See you tomorrow. 

We have our peaceful day, no phone calls no going out and I do a proper roast dinner for tea which we thoroughly enjoy.  I forbid him to walk anywhere and run around after him like a little geisha girl!  His wound has opened up again due to having a bath and very thin skin.  I stick plasters all over it to help with the pressure and hopefully by tomorrow it will not hurt as much.  My daughter sends a photo of Ella at her joint birthday party in a wonder woman outfit, I wonder if they do them in grown up sizes as I could do with one!!   She has got a barbie doll house, as the parents now put ten pounds in and split the money, so Ella has £100.00 .  Gone are the days of pencil cases and colouring books!  My daughter thinks it's a lot of money and is thrifty like me when it comes to presents  she will always buy in the sale but you can't if it's money she says..  We go back to the surgery and all blood counts are border line low, so we have to wait for next lot to come back to decide on medication to help, at least he doesn't have to get a blood transfusion.   The nurse says I'm doing a good job and will put her out of a job,  I do hope not I say, it was never my aim to be one!! Back home I lug all the paraphernalia into the house and hubby starts sounding his horn, I ignore him as sometimes he hits his knee on the horn, I stay in the house and he beeps again, annoyed I go out and shout at him, you've  locked me in the car he says, oh well best laid plans and all that! !

Well we have had a horrible night.  I was hoping that the cough had subsided, I should have known better.   I had such a busy day yesterday,  catching up with housework as a new cleaner arrives (my usual one has been in a car crash) so I can't leave her as she has never been before.   The house is like a Chinese laundry and it's so cold outside I can't even hang them up or they would freeze.  By 1.45 pm we go to the tip which is packed so I have to carry everything the full length as needless to say the one we want is right at the other end.  Back into town to pay paper bill, run back to car and off to surgery.   Finally home by 2.4pm a and I realise I've had nothing to eat!  So by ten O'clock I go to bed to read.  By two am. The coughing seeps into my brain and I know he's suffering.  I put my dressing gown on and pad along the landing,  he's hurt his toe again by getting it caught under the base of the bed and the nurse has bound it too tightly.   I go down and make a cup of  tea, some paracetamol  (two for me), re dress his toe, rub some more vick on his chest and he snuggles down.  I go back to bed, frozen and my mind in a whirl, is the tumour pressing on his wind pipe again?  I toss and turn and have no idea when I fell asleep.   I am going to ring our Mc Millan nurse in the morning to see when we get a scan, we have been left in limbo and I'm struggling to cope with the uncertainty.   

It's 12.30 dinner time and I am literally on the edge of tears, which is not like me.  I have been awake in the night again,  cough, cough, cough. The alarm goes off at seven am. It's  cold,  wet and miserable and we set off in all the heavy morning traffic, I don't normally feel car sick but today I do.  We arrive at James Cook and I threaten him not to move whilst I get a wheelchair.   I have a book handy and I will not hesitate to use it around his head if he does.  Another two hours sitting in a waiting room hell of legless people and we are back out into the rain,  wheel chair returned and I'm soaking wet.  We get home and he's trod on his toe again, so I run up and down stairs to get plasters,  the new ones get stuck to my thumbs and after three a attempts I revert to the old ones, everything is so difficult.   I feel sorry for myself as my plan was to have a day at the Metro center with Mary, but his comfort comes first.  I've missed zumba again and feel unfit and neglected.  The Mc Millan nurse hasn't rung me back so I'm annoyed  at the lack of communication.   I am going to sit and slob out on the sofa and watch rubbish TV and hope that tomorrow is a better day!

It's 12.30 dinner time and I am literally on the edge of tears, which is not like me.  I have been awake in the night again,  cough, cough, cough. The alarm goes off at seven am. It's  cold,  wet and miserable and we set off in all the heavy morning traffic, I don't normally feel car sick but today I do.  We arrive at James Cook and I threaten him not to move whilst I get a wheelchair.   I have a book handy and I will not hesitate to use it around his head if he does.  Another two hours sitting in a waiting room hell of legless people and we are back out into the rain,  wheel chair returned and I'm soaking wet.  We get home and he's trod on his toe again, so I run up and down stairs to get plasters,  the new ones get stuck to my thumbs and after three a attempts I revert to the old ones, everything is so difficult.   I feel sorry for myself as my plan was to have a day at the Metro center with Mary, but his comfort comes first.  I've missed zumba again and feel unfit and neglected.  The Mc Millan nurse hasn't rung me back so I'm annoyed  at the lack of communication.   I am going to sit and slob out on the sofa and watch rubbish TV and hope that tomorrow is a better day!

Slobbing has to be done sometimes!

A large glass of red wine has helped! I'm now a warm dry slob

Good for you! I’ve got the joys of talking to a double glazing guy shortly, my back door isn’t very well and needs replacing! My cup runeth over!

As do all of ours!!  He's just told me they've cocked it up again, stuck pie in oven and locked myself in the front room

Ooh, pie!

It's 10.30 pm and after steak and ale pie, a large glass of wine and a vodka and coke  (drink, not drugs!)  I feel a lot more chilled out.  Tomorrow is another day, I know I have to live it and I need to get my happy equilibrium back on track. See you tomorrow. 

Up again at 4.0 am he tells me to go back to bed.   It's pointless as he's coughing so I can't sleep.  Cup of tea and when he gets to the bottom of the cup the tea bag has split and he spits it all over the bed, I was thinking of buying new bedding so that solves that problem.   We sleep til 9. 00 am and he rings Steve, back again tomorrow.   Were you meeting Mary he asks, well I was,  it's not important though he says looking at me, I'm too tired to argue!  No news from our dedicated Mc Millan nurses so I call again, ones on permanent leave until March, the other February.   So I call the Oncologist secretary.   She'll call me back.   Hubby comes down in a foul mood and I try to explain what I have done,he loses his rag straight away, why am I interfering,  it's all sorted out. I tell him to shut up and listen so instead I get the glare!!  The phone rings it's my cousin so I take  off into the front room and have a girly chat and moan about the situation.  Back in kitchen he tells me he's fed up with this now, really I needed that pointing out like a hole in the head.  Phone rings again, he apparently had a scan booked for the 18th December and was put down as a no show.  We didn't show because we never received the appointment!   So now the ball is back in our court,  wait for scan appointment,  ring  secretary and she'll arrange the Oncologist.   So we are now further away than ever, my life is hell at the moment and I can't see it getting better.   See you tomorrow. 

I know it's not tomorrow but so much has happened today I seem to have lived forty eight hours in twelve.  I go to get more plasters and a card for Ella and go to buy new bedding which is in the sale so a bonus.  Collect peanuts for birds and new razors because apparently the ones I'd bought wouldn't cut a fly in half, oh well another plan scuppered. I drag everything back to the multi storey car park and the lift is out of order so I have to walk up three flights of stairs, I reach the top and the lift doors open and out walks a guy, I thought they were out of order I say, oh yeah I've been cleaning them and forgot to remove the sign.  If the razors were lose I may well have been tempted to use them!  Back home our neighbour has come in to show us his new car, hubby is all bonhomie,  me not so much!,  when he leaves hubby asks for a kiss,  no sorry, or you were right, I tell him he doesn't deserve one and go and peg washing out.  NOT had any dinner again and off to surgery for 1.30 pm.   I'll tell you how that went tomorrow. X

It's 11 am. And we have just returned from the hospital.   Today a guy I saw on Wednesday came over to talk to me, he asks if I'm with my husband and we discuss the problems of losing a leg.  He lost his aged 26 years and is happy and walking well, I envy his agility compared to hubby.  I tell him about the cancer and the problems it's causing.  He says goodbye,  nice to meet you, then he returns, tells me he's a Christian and asks for hubby's name,I tell him and he says he will pray for him, please do I say we need all the prayers we can take.  What a lovely man, he has cheered me up with his thoughtfulness.   Back home there is an Amazon parcel,  hubby hands it to me, it's the Ed Sheeran,  Perfect CD which I had wanted for Christmas but the one I got didn't have this song on it.  It's a lovely thought when he is having such a rough time and I appreciate it very much I say.  I go to change the bedding for the new one I bought yesterday and there is only one pillowcase,  so another spanner thrown in the works I now have to pack everything back up and go out again, talk about swings and roundabouts !  When we saw the nurse yesterday she's not happy with him, Doctor being brought in on Mondays visit.   Folic acid given for low blood and told to eat spinach, he's never eaten spinach in his life!!  Daughter rings later about the lack of communication from the hospital and her hubby shouts, give him guiness instead,  I have a feeling that will go down better than spinach.  See you tomorrow. 

We seem to be having better nights but the patching up of his wounds gets longer.  He tells me he is like a parcel,  I say I'm going to send him by Amazon but they will send him back as he is badly packaged!   I go into town for some retail therapy and some fresh air.  He drops me off and I try the sale in M & S.  It's a nightmare of people scrabbling for tatty clothes and queues a mile long,  so I leave and walk to the coffee shop for some lunch.   In there I am surrounded by people shouting into mobile phones so my plan to read the newspaper and chill out is spoilt.  Someone sits so close to my chair the lady owner comes and shifts my table further down which was very nice of her but I have to move my coat,  bag and shopping to not leave it stranded.   I'm not really enjoying myself and just want to go home!!  Back home we have ham and egg pie and a home made beef curry for tea to get some protein into him.  Four cans of Guinness are purchased but at five pounds fifty it's a lot more expensive than spinach.  Staying warm for the rest of the day.