Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

It must be terrifying knowing what is coming but not really knowing.  I admire all of you going through the trauma I know I would go quiet and clean like mad as it's a coping mechanism.  Thank you for the helpful comments.   Carol

We sit around all morning waiting for patient transport,  the tension is high and hubby says I just want it over and done with. Daughter and I try to calm him down but it's difficult,  transport arrives two hours later and we all wave him off as if he's going to war, which I suppose it is,  his own battle with cancer.  I stay home not knowing when he is coming back whilst the children go to the park.  He arrives home at 5 pm full of all that has happened,  it's a doddle, nothing to worry about, the machine has a picture of lovely woods and scenery so he can watch that,  all I have to do is moisturis him with cream.  The grandchildren are fascinated by Grandma rubbing cream into Grandad and spot his hairy chest!  As for myself,  it's a long time since I rubbed cream on him!!  We all seem more settled and Ella asks if they can stay longer, yes says Mummy, happiness all round!!

It's a beautiful day but we are stuck at home playing tea parties because today I have to take hubby for radiotherapy due to transport not being available on a Saturday!   Of course the time is bang in the middle of the day so everything is put on hold.  I promise the two children I will take them to the trampoline park to work off some energy.  We went to see the Nut Job yesterday (movie)  and giggle all the way through apart from the scary bit where I end up with a chocolate covered four year old on my knee because the little  girl was pulling heads off dollies! !  Off to Bella Italian,  where the grandson goes into teenager ,mode because he wants to go to  Pizza  Express, so he and Mummy have cross words!!  Anyway we arrive home late and I find a starving hubby trying to cook his own tea, we all feel guilty for neglecting him!! Fed and watered,  daughter and I settle down with a chilled glass of wine and Coronation Street.

My last 6.00 am start and our little grandaughter doing her meerkat impression from my side of the bed, whispering,  Grandma are you awake!  Even hubby drags himselg out of bed to say goodbye,  I think he had forgotten that there are still two 7 o'clocks in a day.  We wave goodbye and the house is suddenly very quiet, we look at each other with a mixture of relief and dismay, they have gone.  8 am my mobile pings, I have fraudulent activity on our bank account.   I don't trust the number given, I ring them direct, no I have not spent this money, eventually We find out its I Tunes, the penny drops, dash downstairs to hubby, yes he authorised £1.58, that has turned into £40.00!!  Lesson learned, never give a nine year old your password! !  We decide to put it down to experience and blame hubby's lack of brain power due to radiotherapy.   Only seventeen sessions to go.  Feet up and little nap for both of us methinks.  Hope you are all Staying Strong. Xx

Hi to you, we have had a great time with the family,  it is so nice to have some fun! I hope you are doing ok. X

Hi Caz glad your hubbys treatment is going ok and you had a good time with the family. We arrived home Saturday so have been washing today. Had a great time went on 3 bike rides and a couple of short walks. Not bad considering just over 2 years ago I just finished chemo and radiotherapy. It's not an easy going through treatment and I'm sure its not easy for the partner. I told my husband " sorry love but this is the sickness and worse bit and if I get through then we are going all out on the better things". Which we are. X

So pleased you enjoyed yourself and that things are looking brighter.   My hubby said that he didn't think that I had signed up for this, I said I remember in sickness and health but hadn't banked on this much sickness! !  It's good that we can keep a perspective in between all the travails sent our way.   keep in touch.   Caz

It's a quarter to ten and hubby is still in bed, I go in and tell him if he doesn't get up I will jump all over him shouting Grandad get up and put your leg on!  This works and he drags himself out from under  the covers,  he is sad that he only has me left to talk to again after all the chat of the last six days.  Me I'm off to do some retail therapy, spending , it certainly takes my mind  off the boring day ahead!  I pop into M & S and treat us to some different food, moussaka,  cauliflower cheese, little summer fruit puddings and steaks and mashed potato for dinner tomorrow.   I am running out of ideas to tempt him to keep eating and think this will help, well I did until I arrive home to be advised that he now has an upset stomach and thinks it was the curry I made everyone, great another problem to deal with.  I give up.  Glass of wine, rhubarb shortbread biscuits and feet up, he can sleep it off on the sheepskin chair!   See you tomorrow. 

I get up early to do a fitness class when hubby asks me to go to the opticians with him because our Grandson gave him a massive hug and snapped them off at the arm!  He thinks my days are run around his timetable (which they normally are)and I stand my ground and tell him to go himself, see what he likes and I will come in my sweaty Betty gym kit afterwards.   This plan is accepted and I duly meet him later.  Chosen some new specs,  I agree with his choice, half price offer on so we all agree to go ahead.  Problem, his eyes might change until treatment is over so recommend we leave it til then!!  The old ones are fixed and the optician takes pity on us, puts the frames away and promises to keep the offer until we go back.  It is so thoughtful of people who do  not know you but help anyway when you mention cancer.   I don't think in the last six months that we have had one negative response when we explain our situation.  Back home, ambulance collects him and another countdown on the radiotherapy.   The ambulance service calls whilst he is out asking if a car will be OK tomorrow,  yes I say,  is that his daughter they ask,  no wife, oh you sound very young, I do try! !

Well I baste hubby like a Christmas turkey but have not used plain vaseline cream and he is on fire!  We have to go upstairs where we position him on a mat and wash him down.  No flannels or sponges allowed, no scrubbing just hands and soap, but now I have cold hands he moans making him shiver.  Crikey I am losing patience with the constant having to see to him no matter what I may be doing myself!!   Still only fifteen sessions left.  He then tells me that having seen himself in the three way mirrors at the hospital he is going on a diet, plus the fact his beloved grandaughter has told him he not only has a fat tummy but a fat bum! !  Glad I missed out on those observations! !  I tell him he needs to concentrate on getting better first, this is accepted and he eats all his tea (plus fruit loaf later when he thinks I'm not looking ).  Fourteen sessions to go.

Well I baste hubby like a Christmas turkey but have not used plain vaseline cream and he is on fire!  We have to go upstairs where we position him on a mat and wash him down.  No flannels or sponges allowed, no scrubbing just hands and soap, but now I have cold hands he moans making him shiver.  Crikey I am losing patience with the constant having to see to him no matter what I may be doing myself!!   Still only fifteen sessions left.  He then tells me that having seen himself in the three way mirrors at the hospital he is going on a diet, plus the fact his beloved grandaughter has told him he not only has a fat tummy but a fat bum! !  Glad I missed out on those observations! !  I tell him he needs to concentrate on getting better first, this is accepted and he eats all his tea (plus fruit loaf later when he thinks I'm not looking ).  Fourteen sessions to go.

Todayis a quiet day.  Chatting to neighbours in the sunshine,  hubby won't come out, he is becoming a little unsociable.   His mind is always on getting better,  getting through the treatments and coming out the other end with good results.   He has a review today so I am anxiously awaiting his return home.  I bump into my friend opposite and she is hanging out the flags as her daughter and fiance are moving to a new home today and she is getting her home back.  She has only been in this house a couple of years,  she left her hubby when the dog died and she realised she had no one to talk to anymore! !  She makes me laugh and we have a quick natter, thank goodness for good friends.  X

I am so cross with myself,  hubby had his review and said all is going well, this gave me the confidence to finally check the statistics on cancer survival, only to find that things have not changed in the past forty years and that the survival rate for stage 4 lung cancer at his age is only one to two years from diagnosis.  Is this true?  We have already gone six months through the treatment, where does that leave us?  Do I speak to our Mc Millan nurse and ask the dreaded question that neither of us have asked since diagnosis, or do I carry on being positive for him knowing he wants to live as long as possible.  Help me in this all of you, I am lost and afraid again.

Hi Carol. It is a question we want to ask too but like you don't want to hear the answer. When he was first diagnosed the consultant told us that if he had the treatment (radiotherapy and chemotherapy) he could have up to 5 years. I feel that is best case scenario , the uncertainty is what is driving us crazy. I try to keep positive with my husband but when I am alone my mind goes into overdrive and that is when I can't cope. This vile disease has taken over our lives, we are all in the same boat I fear. 

Much love to you and yours, I haven't been any help in answering your question but I am thinking of you and hoping that you find some peace of mind. 

Chris

Thank you Chris, I have tried so hard to stay positive and will take your five year survival rate as a goal to aim for.  I keep busy but you are right our alone moments take us to dark places.   Thinking of you and all in this daily struggle.   Csrol

Hi Caz

I find it best to try and forget about the numbers and just get through one thing at a time - like the treatment.

I was told 17% chance of survival but when is that calculated from. My gynaecologist counts from discovery so that's 3 years later this month. My Oncologist counts from the completion of treatment so that's 27 months. The doctor I usually see at my checkup counts from my last scan when everything was clear so that won't be 2 years until November.

I know appointments and treatment take over your life but try to carry on as normal as possible around that.

I am under Doctors orders to get on with my life go on holiday so that's exactly what I am doing. You don't know what is round the corner.

river

Live in the moment.

Well said river.

Regards

Taff

Hi River,  I think I am just going to do what I have been doing since diagnosis and live each day as fully as possible.   My Grandad died of lung cancer when I was expecting my first daughter and the image of his five and a half stone body in stripey pyjamas has stayed with me forever,  this was my first image when hubby was diagnosed, I couldn't bear that for him.  A holiday sounds marvellous our daughter is talking about sending us away after radiotherapy,  that would be lovely if I can persuade him to go!  Many thanks for your upbeat message.   Caz

Short and to the point Taff,  my kind of man!!

Hubby is upbeat and says he is feeling good.  The chemo seems to have worn off and he is moving around a little better, he has dressed nicely, but not shaved as it is white like his hair since chemo, I have to rub my hands over his chin so he can prove his point!  It's a beautiful day so he goes to Richmond to check his golf buggy,  people have been using it with his permission friends have told him and using his petrol.  Very annoyed he states, just because it hasn't moved for many months doesn't give them the right to use it.  I get a letter from Solicitors saying I am being sued for negligence after my minor bump before chemo the other week.  Great another problem to sort out, especially when I wasn't at fault! Talk about spoiling a good day.   Stay strong all of you out there.  X

It's a gift.