Hi everyone its been a long time since Ive been on AGAIN because the computer has been playing up AGAIN and its made me very  . could do with a new one but this time of year its an expense we can't afford! I've been reading back a few posts but it will take me forever to catch up so wondered if you could all just update me on how you are all doing!! Its lovely to be back in the community I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster last two months and am waiting for the straight jacket to arrive lol!! Seriously does anyone else get really angry!! My anger has been uncontrollable at times with me even smashing a wall and it has really upset me!!

Please be intouch

LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU ALL

Louise

Hi Louise

Sorry to hear you are having problems with your computer and your emotions.I dont get angry because I find it just leaves me feeling worse in the long run,plus my last treatment has damaged my heart so at the moment I cant get stressed.Waiting to see the heart specialist in 2 weeks and when he gives me a magic pill I will be fine.You have been through so much for so long.Can you have some sort of therapy or a massage or reiki treatment to help?Being on here should help to unload so rant away and let us help.No more wall hitting!!!

Stay strong

Rose xx

There is so much i would like to say having caught up on the posts, but i would only ramble.

Caz, I know right now life seems a ***, but please believe that it is true, that only can you move forward when the cr*p is out of your life. we have to go through the sh*t to reach the other side, and you must allow yourself time to grieve, be angry and let all those horrible emotions shine on through. These are part of the healing process. These things make you stronger, more aware of things and will eventually lead to a completely new and different life. I know this because i have been there. And someone once said to me, there is nota better hand to take than that of someone who has been there. Through each experience we learn and are able to help others. It may seem little consolation, but to the person who needs understanding and a hug, it can mean the world. It is true some people cannot handle the range of emotions and effects of this horrid disease, especailly as we seem to lose our sexuality because we feel so mixed up, scarred, hair loss and so on and so on. However,  there are always people who are not afraid of the superficial, not afraid of what life throws at them and these are the people we should surround ourselves with. I can more than understand where you are coming from and hope that you will come here more often and rant and rave, cry and scream and know that we are ALL here for you.  It seems like a long road you have to go down, but the others here are so right when they say suddenly it happens quickly and you wonder where the time went. Take one day at a time and give yourself short term goals for where you want to be in a month, two months, and do the things you always thought you never had time for. Join a dating site just for fun - see how many people you can make friends with- it is the inner person that counts and i am only just learning that.  I know you might feel not up to it, but you know I can tell you from expereince, most of what you have lost is confidence and the only way to regain it is to take it by the horns and ride the bull so to speak. Take control of the things you can - like making new friends, letting people flirt with you - the real you - not the one who worries about her boobs and a shallow ex, but the warm crazy funny beautiful and supportive Caz that I have come to know on here. take up a new hobby, do everything you can to completely change your routine.

sending you two arms to hold you tight and give you strength.

sara x

Hi Colly, your treatment seems to have flown by. I hope you are feeling okay, the worst is over so roll on the spring! You have been a god send to me with your advice! xx

Hi Rose, two more chemos to go! One next Friday then a break before radio and in that time is my 45th. I havea bottle of champers from xmas for that day and that will be also when we decide on wedding dates so i am using each stage to plan something positive. You are always so cheerful - is there a secret drug? Could use it for my son in law lol

How are you feeling?

sarax

Hi Nina,  I am not far behind you as you know  - I can't wait for chemo to finsih. How are you feeling now that that horrible part is over? I hope you celebrated ! 

sara x

OMG booming chemo brain or what ! Forgot to say i am so excited - hair is nearly half a cm long - wispy and grey but definately there - still no underarm or bikini hair, but have got hair on the lower leg - weird or what! hardly any eyebrows or lashes and no hair up the nose so now i know what you meant by nose dripping!  Decided to buy two new wigs at the end of the month, one long for my glamourous evening or sultry look and one short funky crop style ready to get used to my new style and to wear more frequently (sure it will be more comfy).

For all of you who suffer with wig itch, I tried the cotton wig caps but they were always loose, so i used an old tee shirt and cut caps from the sleeves. Not only is the material thicker so the wig doesn't itch, but they fit better too - tighter with a lot of stretch. I made four in an hour or so hand stitching and wear them to bed - like i said glamourous !!!

sara x

Thank you all. Xxxx

Well I'm still here... that's a bonus.

Still a bit of a mess..... but i'm getting there.... one day at a time..... with lots of cuddles from my daughter and lots of help from my friends (and when I say friends, I really do include all of you)

I'm no longer at the "why has he done it" stage.... I've reached the "he's a tosser" stage now

I am seeing a new counciller now..... and she has explained that this detached feeling is totally normal..... she said that I have gone through so much in the last 5 months, I will still be experiencing feelings of shock and disbelief about the cancer and the Mastectomy..... let alone him leaving

My friend has persuaded me to go out with her tonight.... she met with some resistance at first, because we are going to the pub I used to work at... I was worried that they would all expect me to be like I used to be..... She told me that they're my friends and they want to see me again.

So I am going.... I have promised to stay for 2 drinks, and she says if I am not relaxed by then, she will pay for my taxi home herself... so how could I refuse?

So on a whim, I withdrew some of the money I got as a macmillan grant (and haven't used yet) went out and bought a new (pretty) mastectomy bra, a new top and some make up.

I will come back tomorrow and tell you if I stayed the night or bottled it after 2 drinks

I am really looking forward to going out....... but I'm scared to death too..... how strange is that

But at the end of the day.... it's the first step to the rest of my life

I might be hurt, upset and confused....... but I'm not dead yet

If two types of breast cancer at the same time couldn't take me out....... then neither will he

Thank you so much for all your lovely messages

You have all helped me so much

Love always

Caz xxxxx

Aw Sara how lovely of you to say that, im doing grand, feel fab, just cant wait for my hair to grow a bit more, leaving it for another month then getting it coloured, Radio was a breeze compared to chemo, not be long now, time flies by, honestly cant believe i had my op 8 months ago. Look after yourself x

ps hope all you girls & tony are well xx

Sara just a thought after reading your next post, remember you can get a wig on NHS mine is fab x

Hi Sara,

You sound really upbeat again which is fab,and lovely plans on the horizon.Looking back can you believe what you have been through and how endless it seemed at the start.A total life change.I,m OK thanks,picking up now after my fright before Christmas,very slowly but surely.Scan next month to see if this chemo is working,I think it is so on from there and warmer weather into the bargain!

Stay atrong ,you are doing.

so well

Rose xxxx

Hi Caz,

And it sounds like the old Caz .So glad you are managing as best you can.Well done taking that step and going out.Whether you stay for 10 minutes or a few hours doesn,t matter,you do what is comfortable for you .I really hope you enjoy yourself.I know when i went to our local after I was diagnosed people didnt know what to say,some hugged me and others just smiled because they didnt know what to say so I went round everyone and said hello which broke the ice for them .

Your councilor sounds as if she is helping.Its a long slog but you will get there.

Rose xxx

Hi Caz,

And it sounds like the old Caz .So glad you are managing as best you can.Well done taking that step and going out.Whether you stay for 10 minutes or a few hours doesn,t matter,you do what is comfortable for you .I really hope you enjoy yourself.I know when i went to our local after I was diagnosed people didnt know what to say,some hugged me and others just smiled because they didnt know what to say so I went round everyone and said hello which broke the ice for them .

Your councilor sounds as if she is helping.Its a long slog but you will get there.

Rose xxx

Hi all,

Caz i am so glad to hear you are taking the plunge. One day at a time is so so right, and you will get through the storm.

My wig from NHS was butchered by a hairdresser - who sells wigs and is on the hospital site - I am going to try some cheapy ones at like £20 a pop and see of macmillan will help me get one good one. At the moment i am jusst wearing a scull cap which looks awful - but you know what .... i don't care - but i would like to have one nice wig to make me feel better when i go out.

i did want to ask thou ladies, i was told having radio can make the breast shrink and the skin tight. Is there a huge difference? I know this is vain but i keep thinking i have dimples and wrinkly skin already where the lum was removed, and i have the option of reconstruction still and not having the radio therapy. It seems so insignificant when i read some of the posts and challenges you have all been through, but i ask now not just for myself, but for the others that unfortuantley will follow. So many questions are not answered by the hospital staff. I like to think i have choices still and can be prepared for the changes without going to pieces this time!

Just a reminder all,

the days are getting longer and lighter, February brings back our fleeing birds, a smile lightens someones day, and you have a great excuse to curl up and stuff yourself with chocolate and watch crap TV. Lifes not so bad!

love to all

sara xxx

Hi Sara.

Personally I had no problems with radio.but everyone is different.I had recon afterwards and they stretched the skin OK.I would start moisturising now if I were you,a good old dollop of cream twice a day should make a good difference.

I noticed the evenings are staying lighter as well.Lets hope all this heavy frost has kept the bugs away.Roll on spring.!!

Rose xxx

Hi

Just wanted to say a few words about radio and reconstruction. I had a mastectomy nearly 3 years ago, followed by chemo then radio. My skin was a bit tight after radio, but it didnt prevent me from having the reconstruction method of my choice as by the time i was ready for the reconstruction my skin was in pretty good shape. I opted for a tram flap which is a fairly big op (about 13 hours) but i thought that if i was going to have surgery i wanted the surgery of my choice and once you are knocked out you have no idea how much time is passing so the 13 hours passed really quickly!!  I dont think you are being vain you have to do what you feel is best for you. There is no right or wrong it is purely an individuals choice. I would recommend having radio because it reduces your risk of it reocurring and it the majority of cases doesnt restrict your descision for reconstructive surgery. I was playing tennis again within 14 weeks and cycling after 10 weeks. Do whats best for you. Hope this helps

Caroline try no to worry too much. I found another lump recently and as the doc said, the mri and other scans are very good, but after surgery the tissue remaining moves around and causes sort of cysts and scar tissue that can frighten the life out of us. You have come so far and through so much, and we are all thinking of you.

Reading some of the posts I just want to say WOW WOW WOW, how wonderful you all look and how positive and upbeat! I am bing positive too - number 5 chemo Friday and hey - runningdrums, thank you so much for your details on the hair thing. I buggared my nhs wig by taking it to a hairdresser who obviously didn't know what she was doing. However, I took the plunge and ordered a new wig Monday from the net at 17,99. It is so so lovely - doesn't have the mono filament parting, but looks so natural that for the first time i went out with just the wig and no silly hat over the top. It is far longer than my natural hair and the other wig, but it is so so soft that I forgot it was a wig and even pinned it up! So impressed just treated myself to another and loads of wig accessories, and will buy yet another next month! talk about changing your look! I also wore makeup today to give me eyebrows and eyeliner - felt like a new woman. I even went to Tescos on my own - a real first.  The hair is growing very slowly - and coming back in places i will have to wax or shave. But I did find a dark hair on the tash line so I know what you mean about finding hair growing back on the mole! I was both chuffed and disappointed all at the same time.

I never cease to be amazed at the positive outlook everyone has here, and every single one of you has helped me no end. Just listening to how you cope and how you feel makes me realise I am not alone when I am feeling blue or sorry for myself.  I must post some pics and update - hope i can look half as good as all of you - you inspire me everyday - thank you xxx