hi all

hope everyone had lovely xmas and new year had my last chemo on thursday feel bit rubbish but sos sos glad my last one (sara it will come quick u r so almost there xx) starting radio 2nd feb so will let u know re side affects but lets face it got to be better than horrible chemo !!

i am hoping i can start planning to get my life back unfortunately i need knee op so have to decide when .do i go back to work then off again or do i go and have it soon having chat to surgoen soon so will see .but then it s all systems go try get fit again xx

hope everyone is ok any more news re tony and caz?

thinking of u all xxx

nina xxxx

Hi Rose, I know exactly what you mean about parking! Luckily Hillingdon Hosp is a 15 min walk and there is a bus to Mount Vernon so if i haven't got the car i can get there easily enough. But even with the car parking tokens at £2 a time, I was thinking about those who are on a limited budget, thats £10 a week - a hell of a lot of money on a small budget. I haven't been too bad to be honest with the chemo and I am counting the days. I have a break around the time of my birthday so i have saved a bottle of champagne and then will have to behave again before the rads start.

Nina I can't believe your chemo has finished - i don't know where the time has gone! I am so pleased for you - chemo makes us all feel a bit rubbish. I saw the doc yesterday with rgards to the pills for sickness as the steriods made me so depressed. I told him i take half the dose and step up the domperidone a bit. so he gave me 50mg of cyclizine.  I haven't taken any yet only side effects include hallucinations. i feel spaced out enough for the first four to five days without imagining aliens talking to me! I think perhaps i will just try and manage, incase someone shuts me in the mental institution.

I met a lovely lady yessterday who sadly lost her mum last week to cancer - she was on her second chemo, the same age as me and very positive although tearful. She has booked herself ont he look better course and we have both been told March, so i really hope she is on the same one as me. She also doesnt live that far away so i hope i can take her for the course and maybe go for lunch and make a day of it. It reminded me once again how wile i was complaining to the doc about possible rad burns and different appearance in my boobs and all the other vanity issues that they are isignificant when someone else is having a hard time. One thing I can say about this bloody awful disease is that it humbles you and opens your heart. It does so change us all.

And with that said, I read though nearly all the posts again here today and the love and strength that always comes through regardless of our own feelings is truely amazing. I wish you all well and look forward to hearing your news.

with love,

sara xx

Hi lee well done to you for getting back to work, have you went back full time or part? I've got a line till end of feb then using my hols for march then phasing gently in April. I really need to get to the gym, my bones are so stiff with all the treatment, lack of oestrogen they say. My boob really red and peeling, the gel hosp supply is really good, I usually tan but seemingly that goes for nothing, I've been braless for a couple of weeks now lol, just wearing boob tube tops. Happy birthday leonie hope you had a fab day. Colette x

Hi Sara I got 6 weeks the last week is a boost week where they concentrate only where tumour was, so you may be ok with 3 as it was about 4th week mine starting getting red, everybody diff so you never know, hope you don't. Good luck. Colette x

hi rose, ladies

thank you for remembering my birthday. you too colly. i did like the idea of a pain free day. im so glad you are feeling better. i will get there one day, hopefully soon. we stayed at a friends for the night minus the little one n ended up getting quite drunk! didnt feel good yesterday at all. serves myself right i know but did have a good laugh with our dear friends.

charly starts back at playschool tomorrow n jon work, so i will start writing again n keeping my eye on you all. been so slack, tired n busy n miss you girls. no news on caz? i do hope she is ok. we are lucky that we have the right man n support from him, cant imagine how hard things are for her.

best wishes tomorrow colly n good riddance to treatment! got flu jab tomorrow, hope its ok.

be back soon. love leonie xxxxx

Hi all

I think it's about time I let you all know what is happening with me now.... first me

I had my first appointment at the reconstruction clinic last month, and it seems like there is a lot more to this than I first thought, I have an option of 2 diferent types of reconstruction...

1st... They insert expanding implands under the chest wall muscle with a tube going under my arm and a little port where they inject saline every few days to expand the muscle and the skin..... when it's expanded fully, they remove the tube and the port using local anesthetic... leave them in for 2 or 3 months to let everything settle and then another operation to remove the exandable implants and change them for proper silicone implants.

2nd option.... they place silicone implants on top of the chest wall muscle then using a sheet of muscle they have taken from my back, they lay that over the implant, and then using some skin from my back they open my scars and insert the skin to make a new breast

If the first op doesn't work they will then do the second one... the surgeon recons I have got a couple of years of surgery ahead of me

I have to go back on the 1st March and make my decision about which option I want

Now to Dave.... well he has gone.... Six weeks after my operation I found messages on his computer between him and a big busted, supposed "friend" of mine where thay were both declaring their love for each other... when I confronted them both, they both swore it was just flirting that had gone a bit too far and they said it had stopped... Dave gave me the sob story about my cancer bringing it all back about losing his mum.... and I believed him, I really did, I felt so guilty because I had got cancer and was causing him all this pain.... Well it has now all come out that they never did stop messaging each other... and he left me to be with his girlfriend.... He lied... he really was a breast man after all.

I am absoloutly devastated, because he has left me when I have all this surgery still to come.... but I think his betrayal has hurt me the most... I really trusted him

I am seeing the doctor regularly and I now have a counciler that i go to see.... every day is a struggle at the moment.......... but I'm still struggling........ and I am still here.

If two differant types of breast cancer at the same time didn't finish me off

Then he's not going to!!

But it really hurts.... at the moment I feel like I am dying inside

thank you all for your concern

Love Caz xxxxxxxxx

Hi Caz, all my love coming your way, you must be devastated by the way your husband has acted, no point in us all saying he's not worth it, but he's not babe honestly, what goes around comes around, just try and stay strong and positive and im sure you will be fine.It will be a long slog re surgery but you'll get there in the end, obviously a big decision as to what procedure to choose, unfortunatley ive no idea, maybe some of the other girls could advise on that.

My treatment finished today, so now its onwards and upwards for me, hopefully try and get back to some kind of normality and back to work in a couple of months. If you have facebook add me and we can talk privately colette jameson (barbour).

Love Col xx

Congratulations Colly ,at last the end is in sight.Take it easy though as it takes a long time for recovery/Hope your side effects all clear soon,some sunny weather needed now to boost your recovery.Well done,you have come through so well and helped so many others on your way.

All best things to you,

Rose xxx

Oh darling Caz,

I really thought he would have second thoughts and change his mind but these revelations are so bad.I cannot even begin to think of what to say to you,you have so much hurt to deal with,but at least I suppose you now know that it is definitely over and not your fault but the betrayal is beyond comprehension. Grieve for him as you would any loss but dont let them destroy your life any more.

I had the first option you mentioned.It is not a very painful procedure and you can choose the size to stop at .I think it will be better that you are having both done together as matching one to a natural breast is not easy and mine are different sizes especially now that I have lost weight.It may be an idea to look at the recons on the other BCCt cancer forum as the girls there have a variety of different ops .

How is you daughter bearing up?She must be such a godsend to you now.

Keep posting sweetheart,we are always here for you.

Stay strong,

Rose xxx