Hi I'm 45 and just found out that a lump I had on my breast is cancerous, I had lump and lymph nodes removed last tues, so I'm now waiting to hear what treatment I'm going to need, My consultant has said most likely 8 sessions of chemo every 3 weeks, so 6 months in total and then radiotherapy mon-fri for a month, so i'm kinda in the unknown zone at the moment. Not looking forward to the hair loss, terribly vain i know, but my hair is very important to me like most women, I colour it blonde which will obviously have to stop. As far as I know my chemo will be given intrevenously, so my hair will most probably fall out. I am going to look into getting a real hair wig as I dont think i've got the guts to go au natural, I've also picked up a couple of bandanas to wear about the house. My partner says it doesnt matter if my hair falls out, as long as i'm here. Luckily I've found the lump very early by self examination whilst on holiday and my consultant is very positive about me getting better. I'm very wary about the next 9 months but feel quite determinded that chemo is a wonder drug and will make me better. My girls are 22 and 20 and are amazing, they have read stories in magazines about Kylie, sally from corrie etc and are determined I will just do what the doc says and get better, my partner who ive only been with for 2 years is the most wonderful guy ever, dunno what I'd do without him, he's been with me every step of the way. I was worried about losing my breast, but fortunately I had a lumpectomy which looks amazing. my consultant says put your life on hold for the next 6-9 months get better and you'll never look back, oh yeah sounds easy, but im trying really hard. I hope I'm still this positive whilst I go through my treatment (def not I hear you say) lol, but I'm a determined ***!

Hope to chat to others in the same situation xx

hi colly

just had my lump and nodes removed thursday (12th Aug) so will know my treatment shortly. I am expected to have radiotherapy and chemo but i thought radiotherapy came first, seems on here it is the other way around - perhaps I wasn't listening. I'm feeling a bit daunted at what comes next but more so for the effect it will have on the family - i worry too about not being the glamourous vital woman i was and will that change my realationship with my partner and so on. Although we are planning to get married. So much to talk about! it would appear you will be going through treatment at around the same time as me, so if you would like to stay in touch and discuss our good and bad days, please do !!! my email is simplysara1@hotmail.com

wishing the best of luck to you

sara

Hi Col, Rose and all,

It is normal to wonder - i think that suddenly you become a bit paranoid. My sister (who had cancer of the cervix and was really really ill for three years) said the same. She said that it is probably because we are in at least some control of our lives, making decisions and having at least an idea or understanding what the consequences might be. Suddenly, everything is out of control and the fear and anxiety manifest themselves in strange ways. We are feeling let down by our bodies, unsure of the treatments and how we will look feel etc etc.,

I have been through this too and it is awful, but I keep reminding myself I am being paranoid and keep thinking about the wonderful comments from you all on here.

I had my cut a good three inches today - boo hoo- it was more than 17 inches long - took three years to grow it. I had planned on a perm - just typical. My front tooth fel out yesterday so I had to go get a fix - which means a plate next week after the old root has been removed. At least it will give me a week or two before the next treatments start. I am here with my pack of cigarettes - but have patches, gum and an inhaler because bedtime is my last cigarette EVER!!!!!

i am sometimes positive and shrug things off, other times i get tearful, but as i said to my distraught daughter (dumped by her fella yesterday) we have to keep on going and be positive, remember the old saying - negative attracts negative thoughts and so on ...........

It is normal to worry, so accept that it is, try and put it out of your mind and remember too that everyone and their treatment, reactions and reoccurence or not is different. Sending you a hug and some of the strength and positve feelings i found from somewhere today!!!

sara xx

Hi Ladies and Tony.

Well my results are good today, the lymph node biopsy is clear, so that

means it hasn't spread any further....... the first bit of good news

I've had since this crazy merry go round started. I will still need a

sentinal node biopsy during my operation, but that is still a couple of

weeks away (2 weeks tomorrow)

I spoke to my surgeon today and asked about the MRI scan, next week and

she told me that even if they find some more lumps, they will just

delay the operation for a week while they biopsy the new lumps.

I feel so much better today as I feel like I know a lot more of what is

going to happen, I am trying not to worry about the MRI scan too much at

the moment, I wll probably be a bag of nerves next week on the days

between the scan and the results.......... but that's next week.

Until then, i think a bottle of wine is in order to celebrate

We don't get much good news with this gig.... so I am going to make the most of it

Love Caz xx

Hi Rose thanx i know im prob being paranoid, its as though ive got swollen glands, i had one lymph node affected, but had all lymph nodes removed under 1 arm and consultant said the are round about is clear, but im just worrying prob unecessarily. Thanx to you other girlies too for replying. My hair has fallen out dramatically tho i still have a lot of hair but very thin and can see my scalp, but im able to get away with clipping it up with a kirby at back and i wear a big thick hair band the stretchy type i used to wear as a kid. Ive got a fab wig just not got the guts to wear it yet. I dont smoke and havent drank since starting chemo as it tastes like metal lol plus im trying to be a healthy bunny, my downfall is chocolate, which cancer loves seemingly, dunno if thats been proven or if its an old wives tail. Sorrry about your daughter being dumped, my daughter dumped her fella last week and she feels bad but it was for the best, shes only 20 and been with him since she was 16, so although she misses him she knows its for the best. Enjoy your wine caroline.Thanks again girlies xx

Hi Caz,

That is fantastic news...I love the glass half full approach (especially with wine in it, sorry poor joke )

I don't feel all of us on here are strangers as we share some of our deepest darkest thoughts and I for one have made some great friends on here.

Stay cool, there are some tough times ahead but you will get through it...it is great having a supportive family and a group of people that have been where you are going... I found that at times I didn't want to upset my family and its not that they don't understand just that this is different and you need different areas of support.

Enjoy that wine...hope its a good red as allegedly cancer hates red wine or at least the red grapes that are in it...so it is medicinal after all.

Much Love

Tony xx

Colly,

I am so sorry that you're having such a bad day honey, you are so far in front of me with your treatment you can rest assured that as my treatment progresses, I will be turning to you and all the others that have been through it all before me for support.

To me, one of the best things about this site is that we can all support each other when we have bad days... You never have to go through anything alone if you don't want to.

I am going to make the most of a nice glass of wine while I can still enjoy it.

If you are worried about the chocolate then ask your doctor or nurse, they will tell you... I must admit I've never heard of cancer and chocolate being linked (but I might be wrong) at least if they tell you it's ok to eat chocolate you can treat yourself without worry.

My biggest fear is losing my hair as it's below my waist.... but I will face that problem when I get to it.

I have got aches and pains all over, especially in my other breast (my good one) but I try not to think about it because it would drive me mad with worry, and I think this is a hard enough road we are on already

Today I am having a good day.... I hope you have a better day tomorrow honey

Love Caz xxx

Hi Tony,

Thanks, I agree that we do have times when, as much as our family are brilliant and supportive, sometimes we need to talk to people going through the same dark thoughts we are going through ourselves.

And yes, it is a red wine.... and that is good news about it being medicinal

Love Caz xx

hi ladies.

sorry ive not been on for a while, ive been checking the post but had a lot happening. i'm glad this page is helping all the newbies, makes me feel a lot better. colly, i'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down and worried about whats to come. what helped me was tackling everything one stage at a time. dont think about whats to come, you've still got a lot to go through, so day by day, step by step. and i love the way the new ladies have got these words of wisdom to help us all. its as if theyve been there from the first post!

actually had a really nice weekend. had one of jons friends from essex down for the weekend n it was a right laugh! also had family down from leicester so had a bbq down beach on saturday with a glass of wine or two! then went out for a meal on sunday with them all, really had a nice time. so nice to have a nortmal weekend when everything werent about cancer.

this week has been harder. had radio cancelled twice, got to go sat as well now, and one added at the end! great! had mri scan today due to right eye playing up, took hour and a half with the little man being a ******. something else to worry about!

really worried about lou, not heard from her in such a long time. if youre reading this let us know how you are. and lee hope youre ok darling. dont like not hearing from you for a while, gets me all worried! and i know things arent great, got enough worry already without worrying about my cyber buddies!!! one day we'll make it real buddies.

as for you new ladies, bless your heart for having to go through all this but your positivity is just amazing. i raise a glass to you all. sometimes the odd glass is a much needed tonic! can make you feel so much better, but not too much eh.

at last i know what chemo i was on! hurrah! it was docetaxel and carboplatin. lovely stuff! big bags as well, even the nurses said. but if it makes me better, then it is all worth it.

i hope rose is enjoying her wonderful new grandchild and cherishing every moment. i hope patricia is enjoying her new sick note, and much needed rest and normality. thinking of both of you and sending you my love. tony, youre a star as always. what a diamond you are. thankyou for pointing more ladies our way, any help we can all be makes us all feel so much better. and its nice to worry about someone else for a change! ha ha.

my lovely husband has been writing this for me.

lots of love to you all, my wishes and thoughts are with you.

leonie xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Leonie, thought the spelling was too good for you lol, only joking babes, thats lovely of Jon to type your message for you. Glad you had a lovely time with your friends and relatives, its nice to just chill out and not think of whats happening to yourself. Im feeling fine and yes i need to take one day at a time. The new ladies are such an inspitation to us too, worrying about hairloss all the things that we were all worried about, hairloss to me was the biggest hurdle to cross and to be honest still is, i feel so unattractive, just cant get into the wig but i'll have to if i want to go out and about as seeing my scalp may put people off their dinner lol, at the mo still wearing the scarves in the house and my skip cap when im out at shops etc. I still have quite a lot of hair and nurses are amazed how much ive left, but its thin and wispy, a bit like a babies hair where you can see their scalp and when they wake up in the morn its all sticking up lol well thats my hair. Anyway i'll get away and tidy up a bit. Hope everyone is well. Col xx

hi col

feeling how you are is normal. half way through chemo i felt awful n each one made things worse physically n mentally i was in such a dark place. youre left in your own pain thoughts n feelings n thats a lonely place to be. by that time i could hardly move n you wonder about the end of treatment. thing is there are no answers cos chemo should of done its job n they dont scan to make sure you are cancer free. you just have to check yourself n listen to your body n thats not very comforting is it. mamograms yearly but it doesnt check the rest of your body does it. it made me realise its never gonna be over. do you remember my post when i asked about the all clear? you just got to believe in the meds youve been given n raise money for cancer research so they can find a cure. a good way to spend time n energy i think. when your minds in a better place everythings easier to cope with.

as for feeling unattractive, thats the way it is for us women. we dont make it easy on ourselves either do we. ask your john n he finds you as lovely now as he did when he met you. we look a bit different thats all. i just didnt look in the mirror. i couldnt wear makeup cos my eyes were stinging all the time. now i cant wear mascara cos ive hardly enough lashes to put it on! eyebrows are coming back with a vengance n my hair is growing but not all over yet. it will get better.

caroline, if you are on benefits you will be able to claim petrol money n parking fees for any hospital app. so ask for a petrol form at the reception of your app n then you go to another office n they give you your money back. also macmillan give out grants so speak to your cancer nurse about it. hope that helps.

charly will be home in a min so better get off. its took me an hour to write this, thats why jon typed last night! hope some of it helps you colly but know its also scary what i wrote. try not to worry too much, we cant change any of it. day by day ey.

lots of love leonie xxxxxxxx

Hi Leonie thanks for replying, your post brought tears to my eyes, it is very worrying that we dont get a scan after everything we've been through. I know im blessed to have caught this early and should be grateful im alive. Just cant help worrying, anyway im going to try and not worry, ive not lost my eyebrows or eye lashes, maybe thats still to come i dunno.S Anyway i think im just a born worrier lol. Speak soon. Col x

Hi Leonie thanks for replying, your post brought tears to my eyes, it is very worrying that we dont get a scan after everything we've been through. I know im blessed to have caught this early and should be grateful im alive. Just cant help worrying, anyway im going to try and not worry, ive not lost my eyebrows or eye lashes, maybe thats still to come i dunno.S Anyway i think im just a born worrier lol. Speak soon. Col x

Hey all,

my daughter of 16 just split with her fella and she's all tears. my front tooth fell out today. I messed up my neices face book by accident and nearly lost her her job. oh deep joy.

anyway all sorted. I had my hair cut three inches. I am going to buy a wig next friday ready for the chemo - and to choose a couple of others for when cash allows so i can have a change. I was very tearful at the prosepct of losing my hair after taking 5 years to grow it from 7 inches to 17. However, i have found WIGBANK. if you ladies (and gents) are having a few money issues, (cancer is expensive!!) have a look at this site. Before I realised I could afford at least one (cheaper end) wig, i found this site and cried with relief.

It hit me then afterwards, that if I felt this, but had a partner who said me being bald with no eyebrows or lashes and a false tooth could still love me, what about those who did not have such support. I have written to wig bank to see if they will help me set up something in my area, and I am going to learn how to attach false eyelashes and draw on eye brows. I am going to learn how to use subtle makeup to enhance ladies who need a little confidence, tlc and pampering. It will be a free service but they will pay for any makeup or lashes wigs etc that they want.

I also decided I couldn't do much about losing my hair - it will be out of my control, therefore how do I turn this into an advantage? Well, I always wanted long hair, sometimes I like it curly, sometimes I don't. So why not have two or three wigs of the same colour with straight, wavy and curls? I can change according to my mood and each style will just look like I have done soemthing different. I can even have the hair of my dreams for my wedding. Let's just hope the tooth on a plate that comes next week is better than the nanny mcphee look I've had since monday!!!!

Yes i am annoying and sound so positive right now, and i know i won't feel so great when the radiation and chemo start, but you've all been so lovely to me, I hope that some of my positive feelings right now will rub off on some of you.

i too get my sentinel node biopsy results next week and i am a bit nervous - it may mean more nodes need to be removed and possibly more from the breast. I share your fears with how it all pans out. So for those of you who have wine - god i would love a glass but pay day is next week and i can't get any till then. do me a favour and slug that gorgeous nectar around and have a glass for me - a BIG one!!! Love and best wishes to all

sara x

Hi sara,

You are far from annoying and it is lovely to read up beat posts,it helps us all.that is a lovely idea to pass on tips about hair and make up.I will send some sites that i have come across tomorrow.Here in sunny Wales we have a Maggies center and they have workshops for make up and hair and it is great to have this help and to get together with people in the same situation as ourselves,

Roll on next week,that wine will taste all the better for the wait :love:

Rose xxx

A big hello to everyone

I have been reading the posts and felt quite - well overwhelmed I guess. You are all so warm and welcoming, caring and supportive when you are probably in some ways at your worst. thank you all so much for making me feel so welcome - and taking away that terribly lonely isolated feeling.

sara xxxxxxxx

Hi Ladies

It's good to hear from you all

Lonie, Thank you for the advice about petrol and parking... I didn't realise that you could claim expences back.... that is a huge weight off my mind, and I have got a appointment with the Macmillan benifits officer next wednesday... so I am calming down a bit now.

I was watching a film yesterday and when it finished I just left the television on, and another film came on called "Matters of life and dating" And it was all about a woman called Linda Dankin (Played by Ricki Lake) and it was based on a true story...... And it's all about a single woman called linda who finds out she has breast cancer.... It's a very moving story about how this woman coped with finding she has cancer, having a mastectomy and her recovery and how she got back to work and back into dating..... I laughed, I cried but I most definitely related to the film..... It is so inciteful that I thought there muct have been some serious research gone into making the the film..... but as you get to the end of the film you see that the whole film was made by a poet friend of the lady in question "Linda Dankin" who was also in the same cancer support group as Linda having undergone a mastectomy and chemotherapy herself.

A fantastic film that I could recommed to anyone going through breast cancer..... She had so many of the same worries and fears that I have myself...... it's definitely worth a look

It's called..... Matters of life and dating.

Love Caz xx

Hi guys

so sorry Its been so long, but I have been reading all your posts, Hi to Sara and Caroline sorry you have had to join us, but Im glad the chats have been helping you, I myself have found so much strength from these wonderful ladies, Tues I go for my 3rd Chemo ....so sorry you havnt been feeling to good Colly and you too Lonie your previous post made me cry I wanted so much to just give you a great big hug.

Rose Im glad your not returning to work too soon, thought Id update you on the bald front lol, trying to see the bright side .....quicker showers! no need for an umbrella, money saved on shampoo etc etc.

Have been feeling great these last 2 weeks and have joined the gym again, but am aware that come tues I will feel like pooh again for a few days, still almost half way there ...roll on christmas hey!!.

Much love to you all

Lee xxx

Hi lee well don't you look fab without hair. You have a lovely face which obviously helps. I feel so much better but like yourself I know come wed I'll feel rubbish for a few days then back to normal. Hope everyone is well. Col x

You look sooooo pretty !!If I looked like that I would shave my head permanently.Glad you have mostly good days.On the bad days you must cwtch up on sofa and watch rubbish while eating icecream,its the law !! I cant belive you are so far on with your treatment,seems only a couple of weeks ago you wrote your first terrified post.

Good luck and love

Rose xx

wow Lee, I agree with Colly - you look stunning! i am inspired to hear about you and the gym. I am nearly off smoking (well i cheat a bit but i am not even smoking a whole cig a day so compared with 30 a day thats good - patches and inhaler help!) and intend to do my best to get into shape regardless of the treatments I will have to endure. I still don't really know what they will be or what to expect. Was told radiation and probably chemo. Results of lumpectomy and sentinel node biospy due Tuesday.

I am feeling very nervous about chemo, keep hearing about so many effects. however, Lee you look gorgeous and you have inspired me- i think a long walk tomorrow with my daughter and grandchildren, wear them out and get my lungs and muscles working !

Hope you all had a good weekend - shame about the weather but your comments here always leave me with some sunshine in my life.

sara xx

Hi Sara,

We sent the previous post at exactly the same time !:shocked: Well done with the ciggies Keep up the good work.

Colly,glad you get some good days as well as grotty ones.You have come so far and are always so happy with everyone.

Where is Loumack these days?Let us know how you are Lou.

Love to you all

Rose xxx

Hi Sara

good luck for Tues my thoughts will be with you and with you Colly on Wed this whole situation is one big roller coaster ride for all of us and we will have good days and bad days but thanks to this site we will never have alone days, thanks girls for the lovely comments on my new look!! it took some getting used to but I guess its not forever.

Take good care all of you

Lots of love

Lee xx