Hi Mickied

No I don't mind at all for replying, I welcome any messages of support and kindness.

Well I managed to get through the day yesterday and even managed to smile and laugh at something my little boy did. I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow as it is our anniversary but knowing that I got through John's birthday will give me the strength to challenge it.

I have quite a lot happening this weekend and I am actually looking forward to it. I support our local Rugby League team and my Brother is going to take me to the match on Friday night.

I think I have found a good friend in Beryl, she is so so lovely and really cares for everyone on this forum. I would love the opportunity to give everyone a big hug but I know we all live all over the country.

Thank you for contacting me I really appreciate all the support and knowing that I'm not alone in this

Sarah xx

Hi Bo Lee & Everybody,

I don't come on this site as often as I used to but if you click on my link you will see my thread from last year.

I too am travelling the same path as you are on now, just a little bit further along.  My Brian passed away July 2012 and I still miss him every day.  Can I just recommend another site which you may find useful: Way Up is a site for widows/widowers for people up to the age of 50  Way Up is a site for people 51 and over.  I fall into the latter category but have found the site invaluable sometimes just reading posts, sometimes commenting and sometimes posting.  Everybody has lost a much loved partner many through cancer as well accidents, heart attacks etc  It also gives you the possibility to perhaps meet up with somebody local for a coffee and a chat.  The empathy is there on the site because everyone there has not wanted to be in the position they are in now but are striving to take one day at a time on the path forward.  If you are able to meet up you do not have to worry about anything as everybody "gets it" the feelings of anger, guilt, sadness, despair or whatever you are feeling at any particular time.  No one judges you because they have all maybe been exactly where you are now .  You may find it a help so please give it a go.  Maybe not for everybody but perhaps worth a try.

Please keep your chin up and take it a day or even an hour at a time.  You have your son to take care of so, for the moment, let him be the total focus of your life.

Love

Poppy

Hi PoppyPetal

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and replying to me. I will indeed have a look at this site as I may find it useful.

I am struggling again today as it is our 2nd anniversary (The day that John officially said to me "what do I call you now?"), however we were together for about 2 months before. I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. I cried driving into work this morning and I was just talking out loud to John and telling him how much I love and miss him. Sorry to bombard you with this!!!

Take care

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah

This is going to be a tough week for you but it is amazing how kids get us through this.  I lost my father-in-law to cancer last November.  He had just been diagnosed as having secondaries in his lungs the previous month.  My youngest who is 5 took it bad and wants to know when she is going to see him again.  I will give you a laugh.  A week after he died I got a bit upset because she had been talking about him and she turned to me and said "You have to stop all this crying mummy because your 41 now".  She really made me sit up and take notice.  Good for your brother taking you to the rugby match.

I hope you enjoy it. 

Beryl is a wee treasure.  She is like the mother figure on this forum and we all turn to her for advice.  I hope you get through today OK Sarah and your friends at work will understand if things get too much.

There are some other people on this forum Sarah who were just make an instant connection with and Beryl is definitely one of them.

Take care and I am always here if you want to chat

Mickied

Good morning Beryl

Thank you very much for your kind words, I hope you are ok today? It is such a beautiful morning here in Yeadon, Leeds. I hope it's lovely where you are?

I actually feel ok at the moment, I have a lovely work friend who understands my pain completely. She lost both her parents quite tragically a few years ago so I find comfort when we talk.

I keep telling myself that John is watching me and how proud he will be of me. I always make sure that my hair and make up are perfect everyday for him. I know it might sound silly but I always made an effort for him and I want to continue doing that.

This time last year John, Rhys and myself were in Florida and having a lovely time (I made sure John was in the shade). I sometimes wish I could turn the clock back to a year ago but realistically the outcome would still have been the same.

I am going to have a nice walk at lunchtime, I don't work far from Leeds/Bradford airport and I enjoy watching the planes taking off and landing.

Big hugs

Sarah xxx

Hi Mickied

Thank you again for your kind words. Your daughter made me smile because that is something that my little boy would have said to me.

I do hope that they find a cure for this horrible illness and soon. How many more people should have to suffer with this?

The biggest shock was that no one even knew how poorly John was until I got him into the hospital. He only lasted until the evening then passed away. He had three secondary brain tumours and unfortunately he wasn't conscious for the Doctors to operate. John started with having some moles removed and then all his lymph nodes from his left armpit were removed as a precaution. He was ok and we all thought that he had beaten it as he was fine for about 18 months. Two weeks prior to his passing he started suffering with headaches but nothing to be really worried about. It turned out that a secondary cancer had got back in and unfortunately it had spread to his brain. If only they could have done something Mickied then he would still be here today. However, it would have only been 6 months as the prognosis wasn't good.

Sorry to ramble on!!!

Take care & best wishes

Sarah xxxx

Hi Sarah

I was so glad to hear you have a friend in work to confide in when things get too much.  It is a nice morning here too in Belfast and then it gets cloudy.  It is supposed to be 14 today.

Doesn't feel like it though.  I hope and pray they find a cure too Sarah because I have never heard of so many people before being diagnosed with cancer.

I don't think they realised how ill my father-in-law was too.  They had diagnosed pneumonia but I just knew it wasn't going to be good news Sarah myself.  My husband didn't want to admit that his father was so ill but at the same time he didn't want to leave him that night in the hospital but decided to go home as they had been told his heart was strong and that they would keep an eye on things.

We then received that dreaded phone call that when his mum arrived at the hospital his father had already passed away.  I had a close bond with my father-in-law I can't say the same for my mother-in-law though.  I remember after my own father died suddenly of COPD he put his arms round me and told me everything was going to be OK.  Plus me and him had a terrible sweet tooth and I loved listening to his stories.  He was a great artist and loved country and western music.

Sarah maybe if your John had of lived for a further 6 months just think of all the suffering he may have had to endure and you wouldn't have wanted to see him suffer.  He was too good of a person to have to suffer.

Will you stop apologising for rambling on you are doing nothing of the sort.  We are all here to try and help each other as best as we can.

Take care of yourself and your wee son

Mickied

Hello lovely Sarah

I am so pleased that you have a nice friend at work to help you through this awful time you are having.   You see she will understand how you are feeling and help you through.  I noticed you said to our lovely Mickied that you you were on holiday a year ago in Florida and you made sure that John sat in the shade and that is just what I did with My lovely David a year before he died we went to Sandals in Jamaica and I made sure that he sat in the shade we were told that he was cured and was not to go in the sun.  We had our 44th wedding anniversary and on our 45th he went into a coma so my wedding anniversary will now be remembered with sadness.

This all came back in January 2012 and on October 7th our wedding anniversary he went into a coma and Sarah he spent those remaining months having chemotherapy and he was so poorly there was no quality of life for him whatsoever.  So my darling I am glad for you that your lovely John did not experience that awful chemotherapy, Malignant  Melanoma when it gets to the stage that David and John got to is very difficult to get rid of and the chemotherapy given is only on clinical trials and with David it was terrible.

I hope you enjoyed your walk my luv incidentally my niece lives in Leeds she lives in a place called Barrick in Elmet I think that is correct.  I now live in Southampton I used to live up north I am a Liverpool Gal we moved here with David's job.  It is lovely here today so I am going to have a sit in the garden.  Keep strong lovely Sarah I send you loads and loads of hugs

Beryl xx

I just want to wish everyone on this forum who has taken the time to reply to me to have a lovely weekend. May the sun shine wherever you are

It is a bit cloudy today in Yeadon but I think the forecast for "up north" this weekend is quite nice. 

Big hugs to everyone

Sarah xxxxxx