Hi bo-Lee

I am so very sorry to hear of your sad loss.  I lost my husband to malignant Melanoma in October 2012 .  Like you it has left me and my 2 children devastated we were married for 45 years and we had just got our bungalow all ready for retirement only it was t to be.  David started with a small mole on his shoulder and we were told it was malignant but in the very early stages so it wasn't even graded.  Then in January 2012 David was taken into hospital with diverticulitis and whilst he was there they did an x-Ray and found he had secondary tumours in both lungs, he had 3 lots of chemo but to no avail we found out he had more tumours in his brain.  The doctors then stopped treatment because the cancer had then spread all over him it moved so fast in a matter of weeks.

Like you I long to be with David as I now live alone as my children are obviously older than your little boy and they now have homes of their own.  I am still struggling with David's death it has left me broken hearted, but I have to be strong for my children like you have to be for your lovely little boy. 

All that I can say to you is that  keep the memories you and your fiancé shared together and hold them in your heart, nobody can take memories from you.  He is still with you watching you and caring for you I know it is no consolation but people have said to me that time is a great healer and I am hoping it will be eventually.

Me and my daughter have just booked a holiday and I never thought I would ever do that but there you go, I will miss David terribly and i actually feel guilty going because he suffered so much.  What I am trying to say Bo-Lee that I lost David 6 months ago and things must be getting a little easier for me to even agree to go on holiday .

It will all feel very raw for you at present and everything you do will be a huge effort so all that I can say is just take 1day at a time, if you want to cry, you cry, if you want to scream you scream do whatever you want as long as you get one minute free from that awful pain called grief that you are feeling.

I wish I could put my arms around you and give you a big hug but I can't so I send you a great big huuuuug.  Keep in touch a d let me know how you are getting on.  I do hope I have been of some help to you I wish I could take away your sadness.

Take care

Lots and lots of hugs

Beryl x

Hi Bo-lee,

So sorry to hear about your fiance, it so hard to deal with loosing your loved one. I lost my husband to cancer 24 November 2012 after a battle of over three yrs. It,s nearly 5 months & I just want him back, I know I can,t so now having tryed to get on & can,t I want to be with him. So yes I do know how you feel but you have a lovely 4yr old to be there for & I think he will help you though this horrid time. I cant say it get,s better as for me in the last 5 months it,s got worse, so sorry I can,t.  But there are people on here who are lovely & will give you lot,s of support in the week,s & months to come. Wish I could help more sorry. thinking of you. Gioux x

Morning Bo-Lee,

Well done for finding this website - I am sure you will find many kindred spirits who are generous with their support and kindness. Question - is the little one your Fiance's son or your own?  

I am eight weeks today from the time my lovely man "Left the Buillding". (You are probably too young for Elvis quotes - sorry) so I really do understand that terrible feeling of not wanting to go on. Luckily for me my daughter, who is 39 guessed what I was feeling and made me promise I would wait six months before seriously comtemplating trying to join my other half in Fishing Heaven. That somehow seemed to take some pressure to self destruct off and I have kept very, very busy with practical matters. The acute pain of grieving is agonising, but it does very gradually become more bearable. Yesterday I laughed out loud at a silly photograph of him an old friend of his gave me, which just a couple of weeks ago would have made me howl with distress that he wasn't around.

We survivors/ ones left behind do have it tough , maybe not physically like the ones we have lost, but in the emotional agony we have to go through to just try and survive - but as we wouldn't expect the patients to just give up at the first hurdle nor must we. You can and will continue be a brilliant Mum to your little one. I know it is hard to lose someone quickly or suddenly but then it is also very hard to have an extended period of suffering for them ,  trying to live normally but feeling under threat all the time.

Hang on in Girl -  make him proud of you...I am sure they can see us, silly I know

best regards

sueps

Hi bo-lee

So very sorry for your loss, and i know the pain you are feeling. It's 4 months tomorrow since my wife passed away at only 51 and my heart still aches to want her back so very much. I've been to the place where all you can think about is not wanting to be here anymore, so i got in touch with an  organisation called cruse , a ladt came to me last Wednesday and i talked none stop about how I was feeling and she just listened and just kept reassuring me everything I was feeling was very normal in the grieving process, it just helped me talking to a total stranger which i never thought i would do, as i have 2 grown up daughters and my wifes brothers and sisters to talk to but i know they are grieving also and felt i didn't want to put extra pressure on them how i was feeling. Its still very early days for you also and all i would advise is yet to take it hour be hour and day by day, and please keep in touch anytime you want, there are many wonderful people on here who are going through the same thing and have helped me cope when I'm struggling, so I'm sure you will get lots of responses to your posts

                            Take care john

Hi Sue

Thank you for your kind words and support.

My son is mine to a previous relationship but John felt like he was his Dad. He spent more time with him and did more things with him than his own Dad. I suppose that's to be expected when we all live together. My little one is coping fine as I have explained to him where John has gone. I have also read him a lovely book which explains death to young children. I am channeling all my energy into Rhys at the moment, he is a bright little boy for 4yrs old and the goals that John and I had in mind for him I am going to continue with.

Although it's difficult for me to come to terms with what has happened as it was so sudden. If John had other symptoms then maybe it could have been treated sooner. However, the Doctor did say to me that his life expectancy would only have been 6 months if they had managed to operate and treat. It breaks my heart every day knowing that John didn't want to leave us and he didn't know he was so poorly. We were getting married in August this year too. If the operation was successful then John would have been having some sort of treatment but who knows how he would have reacted. He might have been too poorly to get married, he could have lost the use of some limbs I dread to think. I want to remember John as being a fit and healthy 35yr old, he was always on the go, playing rugby etc. I would have hated seeing him so ill and I dare say John would have hated it too.

Sorry to go on but I find it helps me to justify everything when I talk and write things down.

Take Care

Sarah x

Hi Beryl

Thank you for your kind words, everyone on this site has been very friendly and it's nice to know that I'm not on my own.

I am sorry to hear about your David. I'm not sure which is the easier way to look at it...To battle with this awful illness for months or even years or to go suddenly like John did. As soon as they can get a cure for this awful illness the better. I have lost Grandparents to cancer and it's horrible what they had to go through.

My John was only 35yrs old when he passed away and it just seems so unfair why God has taken him so soon. If he had any other symptoms that were visable then we could have had more of a chance to treat it. He was incredibily fit and healthy so he didn't show any other signs of being ill. I keep re-living that awful day and trying to see if anything else could have been done. Unfortunately there was nothing that they could do as the Doctor said that the three tumours that he had in his brain had got so aggresive that his life expectancy would only have been 6 months. It breaks my heart that we couldn't have caught it sooner but John only had organ scans once a year, the last one he had didn't pick anything up. All the moles that were taken out had traces of tumour in them.

I feel so sad and lonely, we were getting married this August too and I am dreading when that day comes up.

Right now I am focusing on my son and making sure that he is ok and doing well at school. John and I set some goals for Rhys and I would like him to acheive them. I know he is only young at the moment but if I start now with him he will have a better understanding and education when he goes to High school.

I will keep in touch with you Beryl and let you know how I am coping. I am seeing a bereavement counsellor tonight so I hope that will help.

Take Care

Sarah

Hi Sarah

How lovely to hear from you, I agree this site is wonderful and at the same time it makes me feel so sad as many people are going through hell with this terrible diseases called cancer.  It has wrecked and is still wrecking many lovey people's lives.

David like your John went very quickly he was told without treatment he had 6 months with treatment they could not answer us he had chemotherapy with no quality of life at all in the few months he had left.  When he died in October 2012 they said the one good thing was that they got him an extra 3 months Sarah the extra three months wasn't worth it to him as he was so ill.  This is the trouble with Malignant Melanoma there are no symptoms and it is so aggressive once it get hold that's it.  David had tumours in his lungs and once they found them they did a brain scan which was clear 3months later another brain scan was given a d his head was full of tumours this how fast it is.

I feel do sad for you because John was so young and yet he would be so,proud of you because here you are bringing up your son, setting him goals and I am sure he will grow up to be a fine young man. 

I also lost my father to this terrible disease and the sooner they find a cure the better.

Keep in touch Sarah let me know how the counselling goes and remember I am sure John is looking after you and watching over you I still talk to my lovely David I loved him so much.

I send you a great big hug and one for your son too

Take care

Beryl xxx

I feel terrible today It's my John's 36th Birthday today and I feel so lost without him. I don't even know how to get through the day or what I should be feeling/doing. Ironically, it has always been a nice, warm sunny day on his birthday. I have only celebrated two with him but they have been lovely.

I have come to work as that is what would have happened anyway, it would have been a normal day for us both. Maybe we might have gone out for something to eat in the evening. I have another heartbreaking moment as well this week, it will be our 2nd anniversary (when we first got together) on the 2nd May. It's horrible that everything is happening this week.

I wake up every morning and just for a split second I think everything is ok but then reality hits me and it's like someone has thrown a bucket of cold water over me. I just want John back so that we can carry on with our perfect life. We hadn't finished sorting our wedding out so that would have been on the go. I don't want to dwell on the past but I want to think what could have happened if he had been well.

Sorry to go on but I am very upset today

Sarah xx

Oh Sarah

My heart goes out to you I can feel your pain and sadness could you just try and think of the two you spent with him maybe a funny moment you shared together, or a tender moment.

Oh my darling please try and I know this is hard but don't think what could have been just think of the lovely times you shared and how privileged you were to have been in love with such a lovely man.  He is still with you he is watching over you and always will he will never ever leave you.

Take care Sarah and I am so sorry your upset try and do something nice that you would like. 

Take care I send you a huge huuuuuug

Beryl xx

Hi Sarah

I hope you don't mind me replying.  As you say everything hits you at once between birthdays and anniversaries.  My mum is the same every other month there seems to be an anniversary of one of her loved ones.  You are right about reality hitting you and age doesn't come into it at all when it comes to cancer.  It just gets a hold on both the young and the old.

Just a thought - what about if you and your wee son went to the cinema and then for something to eat in memory of your lovely John's birthday.

Please don't think you are going on that is what this site is for and I am so glad you have met our Beryl.  She is such a lovely warming person which I have discovered myself.

I hope you have some friends Sarah who you can turn to for support and also some family.

Take care of yourself and your wee boy.

Mickied