My dad is dying and I can’t cope with it

My dad is 60 and I am 37. We are not the youngest or oldest to have these problems. 

He was diagnosed with a giant grapefruit size tumour of cancer on his liver a few months ago. We then met a specialist surgeon that said (in not these exact words mind)  that he could cut out that grapefruit and all our problems would be answered. Then yesterday he went in to do that very job and found it was much worse than he thought. Long story short nothing was cut out, there is nothing that can be done and my dad is dying.

now I’m in shock right now and trying to let this all sink in. My dad is the most important person in my life and the idea he won’t be here at some point soon fills me with absolute terror. He is my biggest support, the person I go to for all my support, guidance and generaL direction in life. 

we lost my grandfather, my dads father to cancer only a few months ago. This all feels too much and very unfair. 

I know what I am saying is nothing new here and people go through this every day. But I suppose I’m looking for some help on how to navigate this and manage things in the best way I can. Not just for me, but my mum, my siblings and most importantly my daughter. I just feel lost, alone and unable to see where I should start with all this. My dad would usually be the man to guide me, but he is trying to get his head around it all himself right now. 

Parents
  • I’m so sorry you’re going through this - it feels so overwhelming - it happened to me at the same age when my mum was diagnosed with stomach cancer. The same thing - after the operation the consultant spoke to me and said there was nothing that could be done - in a matter of fact way because he dealt with this situation all the time - but for me it was my mum and it felt like the whole world caved in and I could hardly breathe.

    i went to all the subsequent appointments with my mum, she decided not to have chemo but palliative care- that was a personal very tough decision for her - and one which - given the changes in chemo now and how there is so much more help that can be given with symptom and pain relief I would have hoped she would make a different choice.

    No one can tread your path - but know that taking each day as it comes, enjoying the love and happy and sad moments as they happen, making the most of each minute, whilst respecting the wishes of your dad and having all the helpline/triage/emergency numbers and medication to hand really can help. Finding a reassuring district nurse/ MacMillan/MarieCurie/palliative care nurse can really help - and the nurses by telephone at the hospital too. Please don’t feel alone in this - there are people who can help you cope if you reach out to them.

    My mum found massage and reiki very calming - and it allowed her time without having to talk about “ C” where she could just relax and enjoy the moment and cry if she wanted to without having to explain how she was feeling.

    Hoping the love of your family pulls you all together and helps support you through this. Here if you need to offload.

    Jackie

  • Thanks so much for this. It’s really helpful. Lots of useful info there. But can I ask how you carries on without her? How you made life worth living again? I can’t see how that is possible right now. 

Reply Children
  • I think for me it was a bit different as I had to carry on because I had my daughter 3 weeks before my mum passed - so she needed me and although it was the most incredibly difficult time of my life at least my mum got to hold my baby.

    I’m not going to lie - I felt a huge weight of sadness and a hole in my life - when anything happened with my daughter when I was on mat leave I automatically went to ring her - then realised and was upset - so I started to ring my nana or my auntie or my brother ( we’d moved 100 miles away from my family because of work) and so eventually I learnt ways of coping but it wasn’t easy - and I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this - but you’re not alone we’re here if you need us x