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First Christmas without my dad

Nats54
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My dad died of cancer in September of this year, I feel like I just want to hide away and come out in the new year. I am really struggling, I fee; really low and have little or no interest in celebrating Xmas this year. Some friends or colleagues cant seem to understand why i dont want to put a tree up, or to get excited about everything.

I saw ny dad the day he died, my mu didnt realsie he had died she thought he was sleeping or had lapsed into a coma, but the minute i touched him i knew.

I feel so alone and also so tired all the time, I have a friend whom i thought was a good supportive friend but she has changed jobs and i dont hear fron her so much, its like out of sight out of mind. Yesterday was the 3 month ago that he died. I feel lost i'm going through stuff and i want his advice but i cant have it. 

I have an epmtyness in my chest and it hurts 

  • Hello Nats54 and welcome to Cancer Chat, although I'm sorry to read about the reason that brings you here.

    It's very normal not to feel festive when someone we loved so dearly was taken away from us, so try to take one step at a time and give yourself the space to go through all the emotions you need to while grieving.

    I hope that some of our members who are also facing Christmas without a loved one will post to share their experiences. The other thing I wanted to mention is this article from Cruse about coping with grief at Christmas, I hope this can help a little.

    Thinking of you at this difficult time. 

    Best wishes, 

    Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi natz

    So sorry for your loss. The first Christmas that came after my husband died i felt the same: the tree, tinsel and the rest of it could all stay in the loft afterall what was there to celebrate. Then suddenly i had an idea, went out and bought a fresh tree, a huge pack of blank red cards with envelopes and a reel of gold ribbon. 

    I wrote loads of great memories we shared in those cards, asked all the family to write him a card.

    All were private to the individual person who wrote them, i hole punched the corner and tied them all on the tree with gold ribbon bows.

    The tree was the nicest i ever put up in my entire life, it was a tribute to him as he loved Christmas (actually born boxing day). I felt peaceful and happy remembering all those good times i'd written to him and a way of getting through christmas WITH him.

    Love and hugs to you

    Xxxx

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    Hi

    i know exactly how you feel , my dad died in august this year., it's so hard isn't it .  My dad had renal and heart failure and his dialysis was withdrawn very abruptly and not in the best way. 
    I'm finding it tough too. 
    just trying to buy a Xmas card for my mum is so hard , when I see all the mum and dad cards. And trying to buy presents and food , it's all so triggering and I need to run out if the shop ‍♀️
    Meaning it's Xmas eve tomorrow and I've hardly bought anything and still have Xmas food to buy !! So today I'm going to try again and get a few bits. 

    im also a specialist palliative care nurse so dealing with some very sad families at the moment . From my personal and work experiences I'd say it's so important to remind ourselves that it is totally normal to feel like this , it's early days and it's going to be hard. Recognise that and just go with it.  Try and do things that make you feel good , walking outside listening to a podcast has really helped me. I walk somewhere quiet in the fields and cry and listen to a podcast . There's some great ones about grief or some really funny ones if that helps. 
    I went through a period where my diet consisted of peroni and toast so try and eat well if you can. I felt so much worse not eating properly. 
    Don't make yourself celebrate and put the tree up just to please everyone else. Do what you need to so you can get through Xmas and remember it's only a few days.  We are just trying to do different things this year , I'm working Xmas eve then travelling down to my daughters Xmas day 2 hrs away which we wouldn't normally do. But my plan b was to go to the beach and have a cold walk . 
    I just had to keep telling myself it's ok to feel like this and this first Xmas will be hard. It's sort of helping me to reinforce this in my head. I'm lighting a candle for my dad everyday and hopes he sees it . 
    take care and look after yourself , I'll be thinking of you xxxx

     

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    Hi, just reaching out because I'm in the exact same situation as you. My dad passed on my birthday last month, so it's all very raw. I feel numb and tired and have no will to celebrate either. I just want to say take it easy, and please put yourself first. If you don't wanna do Christmas - don't do Christmas. Just make sure you've got yourself some nice food and a warm blanket and a good movie. 
     

    My mum has gone full throttle wanting a big family Christmas to honour his memory as it was a big time for his personality. I'm dreading it, to be honest, I just don't feel ready to go home tomorrow and him not be making the dinner. 
     

    I know my response seems pretty defeatist but I just want you to know you're not alone and your grief is valid. :)

     

    Please take care. 

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