Hi Bex1994,

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum, we have recently had a stage 4 cancer diagnosis in the family, so can fully emphasise with what you're feeling atm.

I've not accessed any support myself but we were given a McMillan booklet with a family support phone number on:

0808 8080 00 00

I assume cancer research and other organisations will also offer similar support - help is out there for families/carers so definitely make contact with someone!  You need to look after yourself and your young children at this time in addition to being there for your Mum.

Take care

Lorraine 

Bex1994 - they might not be able to identify the primary cancer location.

My husband was diagnosed as CUP (unknown primary) in the spring. Despite several tumours in the liver of up to 13cm and nothing else seen on scans, they decided to treat him with chemo, then immuno targeting lung cancer because that looked more likely in the biopsy results.

It will be impossible to tell how well any treatment works until it has been tried. And maybe your mum will get a few additional years out of it! As for pain/soreness, they should be able to control that with painkillers.

Unfortunately we have gone from initial diagnosis in March to last few weeks (at best) in just a few months, but it's not the same for everyone.

My husband is age 70, I am "only" twice your age (will be 53 in November). My mother died a slow and painful cancer death back in Germany over several months in 2009, my father died unexpectedly in 2014. There is some advantage in sudden deaths - and my husband has said he sometimes wished he had died quickly when he went to A&E and they found clots on the lung -, however for me it's enormous relief that we had time for a few more short trips in Scotland inbetween treatment sessions and that we managed to sort through paperwork & update our wills.

You may not be able to control the cancer and if/when it takes your mum, but you can control - to a certain extent - how you spend the time until then and to plan ahead. And take photos, plenty of photos.

I am so so sorry to hear about your husband, mother and father. I honestly dont even know why I wrote this post, I suppose it seemed like some sort of escape from my reality and pray for a mirace story. 

I know there are have been huge advancements in treatments over the years, however she has been told that it is pallative and that they will offer radiotherapy in an attempt to control the tumour on her spine that is compressing her spinal cord affecting her bowel and bladder functions and now only recently her legs have started to feel numb, however that is just to attempt to improve her quality of life..

It feels so surreal to write that my mum will die. I know death is innevitable but I have been completely ignorant and expected her to be here for a long long time to come. Long enough to see me get married, to go on that 'last family holiday', to watch her grandchildren go off to school, academy, watch them get married and so on. 

I guess I just dont know how to process these emotions..  There is really no reason for my post other than to air my emotions and to try not cry infront of my mum.. 

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I will look into MacMillan for a chat while continuing to make the most amazing memories with my mum for however long I have left with her.

Thank you all so so much xxx

Hi Bex

I am really sorry to hear of your Mom's diagnosis. I am 27 and my Dad died 10 months ago. It was about this time last year that he was having tests done. We had about 6 weeks with him after they found the cancer (he had a backache too but thought he pulled it gardening). Of course, I am not saying this will be the case for you. <3

Hope for the best but begin to prepare for the worst after you find out the results. I feel like I grieved a lot before he passed away. I cried every day and had trouble sleeping. I was so anxious after his diagnosis and had a constant knot in my stomach so I can relate and sympathize with what you're going through. Nothing prepares us for this and it really hurts :( My Dad was all the way in America so I wasn't around him until the very end. I tried to be strong but eventually I let him see my pain. It is undeniably sad and I think it's OK to show that. I made sure he knew how much I appreciated all he had done for me and that he was a great father. 

 My Dad was an incredible athlete so his quality of life was very affected being so sore and unable to walk or take care of himself. Looking back I am so grateful his suffering didn't last long, so if that is the case for your mom I hope you can find some peace in that. Cancer is brutal and it is difficult to watch a parent struggle in that way. Help her take her pain medicine on time so she can be as comfortable as possible (best to not wait until the symptoms of pain are present). Share all of your stories with her and be there for her as much as you can but make sure you get your rest. I'm sure she will have so much joy being around you and her grandchildren. xxxx 

I hope you find good news and am wishing you and your family all the best during this difficult time. 

Bex1994 - our oncologist told us, once the liver is affected, they always consider it "terminal" and it's palliative treatment only. That's because there isn't a range of highly effective treatments available as for some other cancers. Maybe ask the consultant about clinical trials as well?

On a more practical note: check what benefits/grants your mum is entitled to, there's a useful section covering that topic on the Macmillan website, for example, see www.macmillan.org.uk/.../benefits-and-financial-support.