Grief can be overwhelming and completely swamp us within it. You are still there, though, as you always were, and you will refind yourself as you work through this awful sadness and loss. In the meantime you may feel trapped by these feelings and at those times it is not unusual to think of how to find a way out. That's what the brain does when we are trapped. Please recognise your feelings as bereavement and loss and believe that you will find your way through that maze and also refind yourself. In the meantime, there is support available, please Google NHS IAPT to self refer for therapy or contact a bereavement charity or your GP. And be patient with yourself because what you are working through is very, very hard. 

Hello Maria21, 

Flummoxed has given you some excellent advice and used the perfect words to describe the situation you find yourself in at the moment. The awful sadness you are feeling and sense of loss can be so overwhelming and powerful that you cannot imagine life without the person you sadly lost.  There is information on coping with grief on our website which explains the different stages involved in the grieving process. As Flummoxed said, you are probably feeling trapped at the moment by these feelings and you are understandably in a fragile state of mind that makes you feel that you won't be able to shake those feelings. But the truth is there is help at hand that you will allow you in time to rebuild yourself so that's why it is really important if you haven't done so already that you talk to your GP about it as soon as possible and that you are honest about how you are feeling so they can give you the best possible support. 

I know it's really hard for you to do this at the moment considering the crushing pain you feel inside you but try and focus on the people who love you so much around you, who want you to be there for them because they like being around you and they love you in an unconditional way even when you are feeling down. Your partner seems like an amazing person and your little ones need their mummy too - if you can try and spend as much quality time with them as you can, try and go out if you can with them to nice places, anything to appreciate their company and to try and live in the moment no matter how difficult this may seem to achieve at the moment. I know it is so hard considering everything that is going on in your head at the moment and these thoughts that you are finding difficult to stop. If you feel you need to talk to a doctor over the weekend, there is also 111 so don't hesitate to ring that number. Help is available every day of the week and with the right support things will gradually get better even though it seems impossible for you to imagine that at the moment. 

I just wanted you to know that we are all there for you and our community will be attuned to how you are feeling as so many here will have experienced a similar trauma. There's the Samaritans helpline too I mentioned to you before if you feel you are struggling that you can call even in the early hours of the morning on 116 123. 

So keep strong I know it's really hard and I am sure your brother would be very touched by how much you love him but he would want you to carry on, to be enjoying life with your loving family. That doesn't mean you will ever forget him - he will always be there in your heart for you to love and keep his memory alive, for you to talk to your little ones and future generations about him. 

I am glad you have a supportive partner by your side. It is so important in times like this.

Have a chat with your GP as soon as you can. I know it's hard to find the right words or even to open up to someone about this, but if you do that it will be a major step in the right direction. 

I am thinking of you during this difficult time and am so sorry for your loss. We're all here for you so keep coming on the forum anytime you feel the need to reach out to others who understand what you are going through. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator 

Hi. My wife passed away on Thursday after a horrible cancer battle over the past 6 months and to be honest I have thought exactly the same as you, what's the point now. Life will never be the same again, I can't cope, I don't want to be here. I have a twin boy and girl who are also being extremely stoical as they don't want to add extra upset to me but inadvertently they are as I am really concerned about their state of mind etc. I guess the reason I am writing beyond your loss is to say I went through a period in my early 20s of serious self harm. I had major issues with my parents etc but through counselling etc I managed to get to the other side. Years on I am glad I am still here as at least I have something in the seriously dark times to focus on....my kids. I 100% understand the thoughts in your head as even saying what I have I could go backwards and go down a dark path again but there simply is nothing to be gained from that. After each 'event' the next day I felt even worse so I would say seek out the right person to talk to as self harm / thoughts of it are understandable but you can overcome them. Ultimately all you will be doing is piling on the pain to your partner and your kids. It's very hard not to be selfish when you feel at your lowest but if you have love and children make the most of it. Best wishes and stay safe. James

Thanks for your message. Yes thats how i feel trapped. I'm no good for anyone, i dont want them to worry about me either, but i cant snap out of it. People, like my partner want me to go for walks etc with them and i do sometimes, but then i dont want them to see me cry when they bring my brother up. And then sometimes i just want to stay in bed but then i feel bad for not wanting to go anywhere with people.  I want to sleep but hate trying to drop off and then i dream of my brother and wake crying. And the guilt of going on with my life tears me up inside, because my brother should be here enjoying it too. 

Im so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your message.  I dont mean to feel this way as i feel bad that i should be focusing on my loving family and theyre the only thing stopping me from doing anything when i feel like i really dont care sometimes, as selfish and horrible as it sounds. My chest hurts all the time. If i didnt know what a broken heart feels like, i do now xxx

Hello again Maria21, 

It's completely understandable that you are feeling so down. It has all been so traumatic for you and it can be hard to be carrying on as normal - all this is still so raw. But you are being so brave and doing the right thing in trying to get out and about and your partner seems lovely taking you and the kids out. You may feel sometimes you are forcing yourself and you don't feel like going out for example but it will do you some good if you can to be with your family and spend time with your little ones.  

I definitely think you should speak to your GP as soon as you feel that you can and the earlier, the better I would say. Don't worry about the fact that you may end up crying when you speak about your feelings. The doctor will be used to this and will not force you to take tablets or anything if you don't want to and there are other things they could offer like grief counselling for example. I have also found this page on the NHS website which is about grief after bereavement or loss and the type of support that may be available to you. I think a little chat with your GP would not do any harm and if you feel the need to cry, your doctor I am sure will be very sympathetic so you needn't worry about that. So whenever you feel ready or have managed to summon up the courage to take that important first step and I know it is no easy thing to do, get in touch with your GP and don't hesitate to talk freely about how you've been feeling. They will I am sure be able to point you in the right direction. 

I will now let our other members who have experienced a similar type of bereavement chat to you and share their stories as they have done already. They will know better than anyone how hard it can be for you at the moment and it helps a little to know you're not alone. Keep strong, we're all here for you!

Lucie