Hi,

i don't know what it is about weekends but I loathe them. I had a hard time last night. A couple of Fiona's favourite songs came on. Besides all the support Fiona gave to othe Cancer sufferers, she involved herself as trustee to a Secondary Cancer group called 'Second Hope'. This group was for those who were diagnosed with Breast Cancer and were told after that the Cancer had spread to other parts of the body and brain.

Fiona was on a wonder drug called Kadcyla, to which she qualified for funding. Anyway, this Kadcyla had worked well on many people as well as Fiona but the Government and NICE decided to take it of the drug tariff because it was too expensive. Fiona and a couple of friends fought fearlessly, they campaigned Government and NICE and contacted the media ie papers, Radio, TV, Social Media and managed to get thousands and thousands of signatures, which she passed to the Government. NICE (the producers of Kadcyla) dropped their price and the Government placed the Kadcyla back on the drug tariff so it will be available for all who need it.

Fiona campaigned so hard while struggling with her own health. Anyway I had recorded 2 interviews Fiona did with Sky News and BBC Oxford. So, I can replay these interviews whenever I want and I can see her again when I want, which gives me comfort for a little while and then I agonise over losing her. I feel ***.

I realise that I go through each day to get to the next day and basically just killing time until it is my time to leave this cruel world.

I am so sorry this is a lot heavier than my normal post. I will snap out of it and get back to my jokey side. Iam glad you liked the last poem, it has such lovely words of support and guidance.

Have a day and tomorrow and hope the weekend is kind to you. 

Take care x 

I was just sending an email out when a notification popped up!
 

Hey Mr you're allowed to have off days & im not surprised you feel crap, seeing & hearing her voice again must just pull at your heart bloody hell man that's tough for you. I wish I could hear Kev but know equally I would probably be as sick as anything after. 
 

You must be immensely proud of her for her tireless hard work she did & actually for others I salute her from one women to another. 
 

You are so right about going from one day to get to the next but listen up my friend; I don't know you personally but what I can make out you're a top guy; you work hard & nap hard!! & I am sure your friends would be saddened to hear you say you're just 'killing time' so matey, make your lovely Fiona proud of you, get your fight back into your belly today & do 1 thing positive big or small it doesn't matter even if clean out the cutlery drawer!! 
I've done 1 positive thing today as I felt lost & low this morning as I dreamt about Kev last night mine was rubbish, tidied up my shoes, did it make me feel better? Nah not really but for that brief hour it made me think of something else & it has given me a clean cupboard so felt good I had done that. 
If you're feeling rubbish later say on here & I'll be popping back in :happy: Bet you can't wait to hear from me hey :happy:

I'm gonna check on you whether you like it or not :happy:

Ta Dah for now

Hiya I felt the same when my husband passed 9 months ago it’s horrible I cry constantly at anything when you have lost someone so important in your life like your Fiona and my john you wonder when you will feel okay again just try to stay strong it’s hard but think of all the good times you had with her x annie

Said I'd check in god it's a late night for me 

how you doing? 
Did my day pan out ok! No not really but I got through it & I hope you feel like me. 
the Vicar who conducted Kevin's funeral rang today to see how we were ~ that was lovely of her but actually 'it's **** but how can you tell a vicar that

I'm off to bed it's late for me please leave a message tomorrow even if it's a thumbs up to me you're ok yeah?
good night my friend xx

Hi,

I am ok, thanks fo your concern. I wouldn't do anything to myself.  Just had a low spell and needed time to process everything.

I am going out for a push now, to get some fresh air, I will message you later x

Hi Annie,

I don't think I will ever feel ok again, I have lost a big part of me and find life pretty pointless at the moment. Like you, I cry regularly.

Did your John pass away at home or the hospital? Fiona and I were married for 27 Years when she passed and we were together for 2 years before we married. 

How do you cope? Do you manage to keep yourself busy?

I hope you had a reasonably good weekend and please  message when you want to chat, if I can help.

Take care.

Hi Racey

How you doing? How was Southend? 
 

My weekend was rubbish like you I hate them, I hate being on my own, hate it with a passion. I don't want to bother friends as they want to be with their families at weekends so without a shadow of a doubt I do struggle. 
Im finding that the slightest thing sets me off I hold it all together at School & as soon as I step outside & get in my car the tears flow, just don't know if it's because im holding it together all day whatever it is it's crap!

When you mentioned that you was feeling under the weather that's one of my fears, if im I'll & because im on my own who'd look after me now :sad:

It's my turn Racey to be on a downer it's so rubbish & I constantly feel sad which pulls me down  

Anyway hope you're ok

Keep going Racey 

Hi Babyem,

We seem to be sharing the same feelings and experiences when the weekend comes round. My Counsellor has advised me to try and stay busy over the weekend ie do my shopping, go out for a walk (or a push in my case) to get some fresh air or go for a drive. It sounds easy but isn't.

I am sorry to hear that your weekend was crap also. 

Had a good day in Southend but it was weird being there without my Fiona. I spent time pushing along the Promenade and sitting at the end of the pier.

I am been thinking, (dangerous I know) but perhaps if you are ok with this, if one of us is having a particularly hard time, especially over the weekend, we go on this site to tell each other and we try to chat about things that may help us to feel better ie favourite holidays we havebeen on, or politics (preferrably not) or films & tv, or even sport, just to get the other person out of that current slump. What do you think? Or, if it not to painful, you can talk about Kevin and I will talk about Fiona.

I met my second cousin, Sheila, tonight with her husband, along with my sister and her partner and had a nice meal. Half way through the evening, Sheila said to me 'you are doing really well' How do I answer that one? Sheila can't see the pain I am feeling but I didn't want to sound like a misery guts, so I nodded. errgghh.  

How is your work going? any thoughts of when you will return to school? Are you planning to meet up with your boys soon?

I think I have gone on too much, so I will sign off and will chat soon.

 Keep on going.

Hi Mr how you doing?
was just answering another post to a Gary who has lost his wife & told him to join our chats as we help each other. 
I have also been told to keep busy *** me Racey my house has never been so clean. I emptied the dishwasher tonight for the first time in a week!! Haven't yet done any washing where as the machine was on 2/3 times a day! Keep busy they say but doing what?  Your suggestion about catching up but catching up with special memories of theirs & ours favourite things so yes please that would be lovely. 
 

School, I have been going in. When I pull into the car park I say to my Kev 'ok babes I've got work to do & I will chat later' & with that I go into work. Ever now & again I have a weak moment & take myself off & out of the way. As soon as I get in there I want to come home & then when I'm home I'm lonely as hell. 
 

This situation is definite isn't it which scares me beyond anything

I saw my eldest daughter in the week who was very sad & my son has now got COVID how much more can be thrown at us  My other daughter who lives in London rang tonight to say she cried today because she wanted dad to come & put some shelves up in her new home :sad:

(deep sigh) best go & throw some food down my throat  

Let's give our weekend chats a thought perhaps a theme at a time & 1 funny story that we have done with them.  Kev always made me laugh so.......

Ta Dah for now x