Dear Racey1

I lost my husband 2 weeks ago & struggling too & have never felt sadness, loneliness, scared, confusion like it. 
I just thought to myself I can't wait to go to bed so I've done another day

I want him back, I want to chat to him & tell him all that's been happening & the 100's of tributes I have received. I want to hold his hand again. 
Racey I can't give you any advice but I think be kind to yourself. I like you think it's going to take time but I am sure like my Kev they will be proud of us by just keeping 
One foot in front of the other. 
I hurt beyond words & still have his funeral on Thursday how on earth am I going to get through the day. 
I feel completely broken just like you mate 

Hug from someone who knows how you're feeling x

Hi Babyem,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I am so sorry for your loss, There is me moaning about my situation while you are dealing with your recent loss. The funeral can be daunting but as long as you have family and friends surrounding you, you will get through it. We were only allowed 30 at Fiona's Cremation but we could have filled it 10 times over. I keep lots of sayings and poems regarding loss and on of the signs state that there are '3 stages of grief, 1st stage, middle stage and the rest of your life' whioch seems to be about right. after 9 months, my sleep pattern is all over the place but like you, as sson as I get to bed and to sleep, I can forget the extreme pain I am feeling. 

Thank you again for your lovely words and showing me that I am not alone x

Hi Babyem,

You are right, I am slacking. I do the washing, dry them and then hang them up for ironing. This load of ironing is hanging up and as I pass it every day and think, I will Iron that lot today but I go into the kitchen and take on another task and forget about the ironing. It started with 3 shirts and a couple of trousers and grew and grew and got out of control. 

I hope your first day at scholl went as well as it could and you coped. I sound like I am talikng to my daughter, 30 years ago.

As I mentioned previously, I have returned to my last job, one day a week as a volunteer and it is good to feel useful and be surrounded by old friends.

You metioned tiredness, I met with friends this morning when we all decided that we would meet every 3 to 4 weeks to have breakfast at different places while we give them a score on taste and value for money. Anyway, after breakfast, I drove one of my mates home. I decided that I wasn't going to go and sit at home so I went to Tesco's. Like you, my sleep pattern have been all over the place, anyway, I parked up, wound  the recliner part of my seat down, before getting out and laid back. I woke 2 hours later. Looking around trying to work out where I was and remembered but it was a deep, deep sleep. I probably won't sleep at all tonight.

 Anyway, Sausage & Mash tonight (from a pack).

I do have other sayings and poems, so when you feel a little low, I will find a saying or poem that will get you aout of that slump.

Take care x

I just signed on to see if you're ok & saw that you have only just put a message on here. Have to say you did make me laugh which is a dam sight better than the

tears that have left my eyes just recently & today was no exception I lasted until lunchtime & couldn't stand anymore everyone was too nice to me! & I did nothing but cry. So brought my work home which was fine. The Head has just texted me to say do mornings only for a bit just to help me which I think I might take her up on this suggestion. 
 

That's a nice thing to do to meet up with friends for breakfast my favourite meal of the day!

2 hours you must have needed it  im surprised no one knocked on your window to see if you're ok.  You'll be up till late tonight, finish your ironing! so bossy :happy:

Love one line sayings so always send them  

I see Fiona was born in January all good babies are born in January :wink::happy: 

Hope your evening, well what's left of it, is ok & sleep man!

Night 

Hi Babyem,

It was always going to be difficult on your first day back but, as you say, the more people are nicer to you, the more tearful you become. 

I went to bed at midnight and went  straight off to sleep (hooray)...............................................and woke uip at 4 am (groan). I could not get back to sleep, so many things going through my head so, I got up at 6 am and as today is my one day a week that I volunteer at work, I though that I would drive into work early, stop at a lay-by nearby and have a nap. I slept for 40 minutes and was raring to go.

Did you notice my level of education in my last post to you? I stated that 'I hope your first day at scholl goes well'  1/10.

Do you hate weekends? I could do without them.

Now, yoour comment on Birthdays, Birthdays in January is totally irresponsible. Presents for Christmas and again a couple of weeks later. Now, my Birthday took a lot of thought. I was born           17 June, right in the middle of the year so I have 6 months to wait til Christmas presents then another 6 months to wait til Birthdays presents. (that makes 6 pairs of socks, and a bottle Lynx).

Here is another slightly longer but also helpful wording:

If the mountain seems too big today, then climb a hill instead. If the morning brings you sadness, it's ok to stay in bed. If the day ahead weighs heavy and your plans feel like a curse, there's no shame in rearranging: don't make yourself feel worse. If a shower stings like needles and a bath feels like you'll drown, if you haven't washed your hair for days don't throw away your crown. A day is not a lifetime, a rest is not a defeat. Don't think of it as failure, just a quiet, kind retreat. It's ok to take a moment from an anxious, fractured mind. The world will not stop turning while you get realigned. The mountain will still be there when you want to try again. You can climb it in your own time. Just love yourself til then.

Take care, chat soon 

Ahhhh that's so lovely & doesn't that just speak volumes ~ best one so far Racey

How can you sleep in the car for so long ~ you did make me laugh 

Well there you go I didn't notice your spelling!!!
The last couple of days I just kept my head down & cracked on with my work. I did think; well at least I've been busy perhaps the weekend won't be so bad! How wrong was I I'm fed up already & it's only Friday night I too hate weekends wouldn't ask for much glass of something chilled & perhaps a game of cards but nope here I am feeling all lost & lonely. Just lately I've felt that I have just been trying to survive. Let's keep going hey & keep chatting 

Go careful matey & chat tomorrow 
 

Hi,

i don't know what it is about weekends but I loathe them. I had a hard time last night. A couple of Fiona's favourite songs came on. Besides all the support Fiona gave to othe Cancer sufferers, she involved herself as trustee to a Secondary Cancer group called 'Second Hope'. This group was for those who were diagnosed with Breast Cancer and were told after that the Cancer had spread to other parts of the body and brain.

Fiona was on a wonder drug called Kadcyla, to which she qualified for funding. Anyway, this Kadcyla had worked well on many people as well as Fiona but the Government and NICE decided to take it of the drug tariff because it was too expensive. Fiona and a couple of friends fought fearlessly, they campaigned Government and NICE and contacted the media ie papers, Radio, TV, Social Media and managed to get thousands and thousands of signatures, which she passed to the Government. NICE (the producers of Kadcyla) dropped their price and the Government placed the Kadcyla back on the drug tariff so it will be available for all who need it.

Fiona campaigned so hard while struggling with her own health. Anyway I had recorded 2 interviews Fiona did with Sky News and BBC Oxford. So, I can replay these interviews whenever I want and I can see her again when I want, which gives me comfort for a little while and then I agonise over losing her. I feel ***.

I realise that I go through each day to get to the next day and basically just killing time until it is my time to leave this cruel world.

I am so sorry this is a lot heavier than my normal post. I will snap out of it and get back to my jokey side. Iam glad you liked the last poem, it has such lovely words of support and guidance.

Have a day and tomorrow and hope the weekend is kind to you. 

Take care x 

I was just sending an email out when a notification popped up!
 

Hey Mr you're allowed to have off days & im not surprised you feel crap, seeing & hearing her voice again must just pull at your heart bloody hell man that's tough for you. I wish I could hear Kev but know equally I would probably be as sick as anything after. 
 

You must be immensely proud of her for her tireless hard work she did & actually for others I salute her from one women to another. 
 

You are so right about going from one day to get to the next but listen up my friend; I don't know you personally but what I can make out you're a top guy; you work hard & nap hard!! & I am sure your friends would be saddened to hear you say you're just 'killing time' so matey, make your lovely Fiona proud of you, get your fight back into your belly today & do 1 thing positive big or small it doesn't matter even if clean out the cutlery drawer!! 
I've done 1 positive thing today as I felt lost & low this morning as I dreamt about Kev last night mine was rubbish, tidied up my shoes, did it make me feel better? Nah not really but for that brief hour it made me think of something else & it has given me a clean cupboard so felt good I had done that. 
If you're feeling rubbish later say on here & I'll be popping back in :happy: Bet you can't wait to hear from me hey :happy:

I'm gonna check on you whether you like it or not :happy:

Ta Dah for now

Hiya I felt the same when my husband passed 9 months ago it’s horrible I cry constantly at anything when you have lost someone so important in your life like your Fiona and my john you wonder when you will feel okay again just try to stay strong it’s hard but think of all the good times you had with her x annie

Said I'd check in god it's a late night for me 

how you doing? 
Did my day pan out ok! No not really but I got through it & I hope you feel like me. 
the Vicar who conducted Kevin's funeral rang today to see how we were ~ that was lovely of her but actually 'it's **** but how can you tell a vicar that

I'm off to bed it's late for me please leave a message tomorrow even if it's a thumbs up to me you're ok yeah?
good night my friend xx

Hi,

I am ok, thanks fo your concern. I wouldn't do anything to myself.  Just had a low spell and needed time to process everything.

I am going out for a push now, to get some fresh air, I will message you later x

Hi Babyem,

I am back. Weekend was pretty rubbish. Friday & Saturday was really low and Sunday I had a tummy bug.

And that is when it hits you. Whenever I was unwell, Fiona was there to escort me to bed, get my food and medicine and generally make a fuss of me but on Sunday, it was just me. Anyway, I am better today and kept busy. 

How has your weekend been? and what about today? 

In answer to your question from your previous post, yes, I am so very proud of Fiona and all that she had accomplished. She was special. 

Bacause of the nice weather, I have decided to drive to Southend tomorrow and push along the Promenade. 

I assume that as you go to Lakeside and must live in that general area, you have probably visited Southend many times too.

How did your vicar expect you to answer? I suppose it is nice in some way that he was concerned about you.

I am not sure of your comment about how hard I work but I do nap hard. 

Thank you for kind words and for your concern.

Well, it's 9:54 and I am yawning away so, I hope you sleep well and have a day tomorrow. x 

Hi Babyem,

I am back. Weekend was pretty rubbish. Friday & Saturday was really low and Sunday I had a tummy bug.

And that is when it hits you. Whenever I was unwell, Fiona was there to escort me to bed, get my food and medicine and generally make a fuss of me but on Sunday, it was just me. Anyway, I am better today and kept busy. 

How has your weekend been? and what about today? 

In answer to your question from your previous post, yes, I am so very proud of Fiona and all that she had accomplished. She was special. 

Bacause of the nice weather, I have decided to drive to Southend tomorrow and push along the Promenade. 

I assume that as you go to Lakeside and must live in that general area, you have probably visited Southend many times too.

How did your vicar expect you to answer? I suppose it is nice in some way that he was concerned about you.

I am not sure of your comment about how hard I work but I do nap hard. 

Thank you for kind words and for your concern.

Well, it's 9:54 and I am yawning away so, I hope you sleep well and have a day tomorrow. x 

Hi Racey

How you doing? How was Southend? 
 

My weekend was rubbish like you I hate them, I hate being on my own, hate it with a passion. I don't want to bother friends as they want to be with their families at weekends so without a shadow of a doubt I do struggle. 
Im finding that the slightest thing sets me off I hold it all together at School & as soon as I step outside & get in my car the tears flow, just don't know if it's because im holding it together all day whatever it is it's crap!

When you mentioned that you was feeling under the weather that's one of my fears, if im I'll & because im on my own who'd look after me now :sad:

It's my turn Racey to be on a downer it's so rubbish & I constantly feel sad which pulls me down  

Anyway hope you're ok

Keep going Racey 

Hi Babyem,

We seem to be sharing the same feelings and experiences when the weekend comes round. My Counsellor has advised me to try and stay busy over the weekend ie do my shopping, go out for a walk (or a push in my case) to get some fresh air or go for a drive. It sounds easy but isn't.

I am sorry to hear that your weekend was crap also. 

Had a good day in Southend but it was weird being there without my Fiona. I spent time pushing along the Promenade and sitting at the end of the pier.

I am been thinking, (dangerous I know) but perhaps if you are ok with this, if one of us is having a particularly hard time, especially over the weekend, we go on this site to tell each other and we try to chat about things that may help us to feel better ie favourite holidays we havebeen on, or politics (preferrably not) or films & tv, or even sport, just to get the other person out of that current slump. What do you think? Or, if it not to painful, you can talk about Kevin and I will talk about Fiona.

I met my second cousin, Sheila, tonight with her husband, along with my sister and her partner and had a nice meal. Half way through the evening, Sheila said to me 'you are doing really well' How do I answer that one? Sheila can't see the pain I am feeling but I didn't want to sound like a misery guts, so I nodded. errgghh.  

How is your work going? any thoughts of when you will return to school? Are you planning to meet up with your boys soon?

I think I have gone on too much, so I will sign off and will chat soon.

 Keep on going.

Hi Mr how you doing?
was just answering another post to a Gary who has lost his wife & told him to join our chats as we help each other. 
I have also been told to keep busy *** me Racey my house has never been so clean. I emptied the dishwasher tonight for the first time in a week!! Haven't yet done any washing where as the machine was on 2/3 times a day! Keep busy they say but doing what?  Your suggestion about catching up but catching up with special memories of theirs & ours favourite things so yes please that would be lovely. 
 

School, I have been going in. When I pull into the car park I say to my Kev 'ok babes I've got work to do & I will chat later' & with that I go into work. Ever now & again I have a weak moment & take myself off & out of the way. As soon as I get in there I want to come home & then when I'm home I'm lonely as hell. 
 

This situation is definite isn't it which scares me beyond anything

I saw my eldest daughter in the week who was very sad & my son has now got COVID how much more can be thrown at us  My other daughter who lives in London rang tonight to say she cried today because she wanted dad to come & put some shelves up in her new home :sad:

(deep sigh) best go & throw some food down my throat  

Let's give our weekend chats a thought perhaps a theme at a time & 1 funny story that we have done with them.  Kev always made me laugh so.......

Ta Dah for now x

Hi,

I have posted a message on Gary's post. How are you doing?

I am glad your home is spotless but if you are bored and have nothing to do, my home could do with a spit and polish. Well, it's Friday, the horrible weekend is upon us (groan). I am going to try and stay busy like doing shopping, along with everybody else in our town. My sister has asked me over to Camden for lunch on Sundayso that will bring me closer to Monday again. 

I mentioned about chatting if either of us was feeling low but realise that, the other person may not read the post immediately or cannot get to our PC to reply so, I think that wasn't one of my best ideas. 

I had a great sleep on Thursday.............................in my car. I went in to do my voluntary work in MK from 9:45am til 4:30pm and drove home after. I arrived home aroun 5:15pm. I reclined the back of my car seat to get my wheelchair out and leaning back, I thought, 'this is comfy' and woke up 6:45pm. Where does the time go?  

So, I take it from you previous post, you have two daughters and two sons. Have you plans for the weekend? If not, you can meet up with one of your kids this weekend, and then another next week. This way, you want duplicate until a months time.

Anyway, I have gone on too long. Take care.

Hi oh you do make me laugh with your sleeping you are clearly comfy:laugh:

How has today been? I have deliberately made myself busy today. Town, cooked my sons some meals & delivered them on his doorstep, went over to see my sister, my eldest came over & my grandson & now home. 1 day nearly gone 1 to go, crikey that sounds awful. 
I felt better than I did yesterday held it all together at school then floods of tears when I got home actually fell asleep crying  

Soon be time for bed ~ happy soul hey!
 

3 kids, twins 1 of each & another daughter who has a little boy who is 5. He keeps painting pebbles for Kevs grave :love:

I hope your day went ok & you've got something planned tomorrow 

Did you suss out the private message bit how to do it?

Hi Babyem,

Today has not been too bad. Got up later than usual, pottered around the home and went out to M & S for food for tonight.

I am going to my sisters house in Camden tomorrow for lunch. We get on really well, although, I was a little *** to her when I was younger. (I was).

I think, that if we allow the pain and heartache to consume us, we struggle and cry again. I have tried to be a little more positive yesterday and today.  I have quite a busy week coming up. I am playing indoor bowls and catching up with an old work colleague on Monday. Tuesday, I am volunteering all day at my previous job. Wednesday, I am taking Fiona's mum to Hospital, as she is having problems with her Pacemaker. Thursday, I am at an Exhibition in Birmingham  amd Friday. more Bowls and catching up.

I did find a way to privately message Gary by Friending him on a Private site. I have tried to help and chat to him to see if I can guide him in any way. It is so difficult, as I used to try to add my words of support and guidance on a Bereavement site but my Counsellor explained that I shouldn't try to support other people at the moment, as I am not coping and need to look after myself. 

Well, M & S Fish Pie with Cauliflower tonight (yummmyy).

I hope you have another good day tomorrow and a better week.

Take care

Sent you a friend request hopefully I've done it right 

Hi Babyem, yes you have private messaged correctly and I sent a small reply. Have a day