Dear Racey1

I lost my husband 2 weeks ago & struggling too & have never felt sadness, loneliness, scared, confusion like it. 
I just thought to myself I can't wait to go to bed so I've done another day

I want him back, I want to chat to him & tell him all that's been happening & the 100's of tributes I have received. I want to hold his hand again. 
Racey I can't give you any advice but I think be kind to yourself. I like you think it's going to take time but I am sure like my Kev they will be proud of us by just keeping 
One foot in front of the other. 
I hurt beyond words & still have his funeral on Thursday how on earth am I going to get through the day. 
I feel completely broken just like you mate 

Hug from someone who knows how you're feeling x

Hi Babyem,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I am so sorry for your loss, There is me moaning about my situation while you are dealing with your recent loss. The funeral can be daunting but as long as you have family and friends surrounding you, you will get through it. We were only allowed 30 at Fiona's Cremation but we could have filled it 10 times over. I keep lots of sayings and poems regarding loss and on of the signs state that there are '3 stages of grief, 1st stage, middle stage and the rest of your life' whioch seems to be about right. after 9 months, my sleep pattern is all over the place but like you, as sson as I get to bed and to sleep, I can forget the extreme pain I am feeling. 

Thank you again for your lovely words and showing me that I am not alone x

I just signed on to see if you're ok & saw that you have only just put a message on here. Have to say you did make me laugh which is a dam sight better than the

tears that have left my eyes just recently & today was no exception I lasted until lunchtime & couldn't stand anymore everyone was too nice to me! & I did nothing but cry. So brought my work home which was fine. The Head has just texted me to say do mornings only for a bit just to help me which I think I might take her up on this suggestion. 
 

That's a nice thing to do to meet up with friends for breakfast my favourite meal of the day!

2 hours you must have needed it  im surprised no one knocked on your window to see if you're ok.  You'll be up till late tonight, finish your ironing! so bossy :happy:

Love one line sayings so always send them  

I see Fiona was born in January all good babies are born in January :wink::happy: 

Hope your evening, well what's left of it, is ok & sleep man!

Night 

Hi Babyem,

It was always going to be difficult on your first day back but, as you say, the more people are nicer to you, the more tearful you become. 

I went to bed at midnight and went  straight off to sleep (hooray)...............................................and woke uip at 4 am (groan). I could not get back to sleep, so many things going through my head so, I got up at 6 am and as today is my one day a week that I volunteer at work, I though that I would drive into work early, stop at a lay-by nearby and have a nap. I slept for 40 minutes and was raring to go.

Did you notice my level of education in my last post to you? I stated that 'I hope your first day at scholl goes well'  1/10.

Do you hate weekends? I could do without them.

Now, yoour comment on Birthdays, Birthdays in January is totally irresponsible. Presents for Christmas and again a couple of weeks later. Now, my Birthday took a lot of thought. I was born           17 June, right in the middle of the year so I have 6 months to wait til Christmas presents then another 6 months to wait til Birthdays presents. (that makes 6 pairs of socks, and a bottle Lynx).

Here is another slightly longer but also helpful wording:

If the mountain seems too big today, then climb a hill instead. If the morning brings you sadness, it's ok to stay in bed. If the day ahead weighs heavy and your plans feel like a curse, there's no shame in rearranging: don't make yourself feel worse. If a shower stings like needles and a bath feels like you'll drown, if you haven't washed your hair for days don't throw away your crown. A day is not a lifetime, a rest is not a defeat. Don't think of it as failure, just a quiet, kind retreat. It's ok to take a moment from an anxious, fractured mind. The world will not stop turning while you get realigned. The mountain will still be there when you want to try again. You can climb it in your own time. Just love yourself til then.

Take care, chat soon 

Ahhhh that's so lovely & doesn't that just speak volumes ~ best one so far Racey

How can you sleep in the car for so long ~ you did make me laugh 

Well there you go I didn't notice your spelling!!!
The last couple of days I just kept my head down & cracked on with my work. I did think; well at least I've been busy perhaps the weekend won't be so bad! How wrong was I I'm fed up already & it's only Friday night I too hate weekends wouldn't ask for much glass of something chilled & perhaps a game of cards but nope here I am feeling all lost & lonely. Just lately I've felt that I have just been trying to survive. Let's keep going hey & keep chatting 

Go careful matey & chat tomorrow 
 

Hi,

i don't know what it is about weekends but I loathe them. I had a hard time last night. A couple of Fiona's favourite songs came on. Besides all the support Fiona gave to othe Cancer sufferers, she involved herself as trustee to a Secondary Cancer group called 'Second Hope'. This group was for those who were diagnosed with Breast Cancer and were told after that the Cancer had spread to other parts of the body and brain.

Fiona was on a wonder drug called Kadcyla, to which she qualified for funding. Anyway, this Kadcyla had worked well on many people as well as Fiona but the Government and NICE decided to take it of the drug tariff because it was too expensive. Fiona and a couple of friends fought fearlessly, they campaigned Government and NICE and contacted the media ie papers, Radio, TV, Social Media and managed to get thousands and thousands of signatures, which she passed to the Government. NICE (the producers of Kadcyla) dropped their price and the Government placed the Kadcyla back on the drug tariff so it will be available for all who need it.

Fiona campaigned so hard while struggling with her own health. Anyway I had recorded 2 interviews Fiona did with Sky News and BBC Oxford. So, I can replay these interviews whenever I want and I can see her again when I want, which gives me comfort for a little while and then I agonise over losing her. I feel ***.

I realise that I go through each day to get to the next day and basically just killing time until it is my time to leave this cruel world.

I am so sorry this is a lot heavier than my normal post. I will snap out of it and get back to my jokey side. Iam glad you liked the last poem, it has such lovely words of support and guidance.

Have a day and tomorrow and hope the weekend is kind to you. 

Take care x 

I was just sending an email out when a notification popped up!
 

Hey Mr you're allowed to have off days & im not surprised you feel crap, seeing & hearing her voice again must just pull at your heart bloody hell man that's tough for you. I wish I could hear Kev but know equally I would probably be as sick as anything after. 
 

You must be immensely proud of her for her tireless hard work she did & actually for others I salute her from one women to another. 
 

You are so right about going from one day to get to the next but listen up my friend; I don't know you personally but what I can make out you're a top guy; you work hard & nap hard!! & I am sure your friends would be saddened to hear you say you're just 'killing time' so matey, make your lovely Fiona proud of you, get your fight back into your belly today & do 1 thing positive big or small it doesn't matter even if clean out the cutlery drawer!! 
I've done 1 positive thing today as I felt lost & low this morning as I dreamt about Kev last night mine was rubbish, tidied up my shoes, did it make me feel better? Nah not really but for that brief hour it made me think of something else & it has given me a clean cupboard so felt good I had done that. 
If you're feeling rubbish later say on here & I'll be popping back in :happy: Bet you can't wait to hear from me hey :happy:

I'm gonna check on you whether you like it or not :happy:

Ta Dah for now

Hiya I felt the same when my husband passed 9 months ago it’s horrible I cry constantly at anything when you have lost someone so important in your life like your Fiona and my john you wonder when you will feel okay again just try to stay strong it’s hard but think of all the good times you had with her x annie

Said I'd check in god it's a late night for me 

how you doing? 
Did my day pan out ok! No not really but I got through it & I hope you feel like me. 
the Vicar who conducted Kevin's funeral rang today to see how we were ~ that was lovely of her but actually 'it's **** but how can you tell a vicar that

I'm off to bed it's late for me please leave a message tomorrow even if it's a thumbs up to me you're ok yeah?
good night my friend xx

Hi,

I am ok, thanks fo your concern. I wouldn't do anything to myself.  Just had a low spell and needed time to process everything.

I am going out for a push now, to get some fresh air, I will message you later x

Hi Babyem,

I am back. Weekend was pretty rubbish. Friday & Saturday was really low and Sunday I had a tummy bug.

And that is when it hits you. Whenever I was unwell, Fiona was there to escort me to bed, get my food and medicine and generally make a fuss of me but on Sunday, it was just me. Anyway, I am better today and kept busy. 

How has your weekend been? and what about today? 

In answer to your question from your previous post, yes, I am so very proud of Fiona and all that she had accomplished. She was special. 

Bacause of the nice weather, I have decided to drive to Southend tomorrow and push along the Promenade. 

I assume that as you go to Lakeside and must live in that general area, you have probably visited Southend many times too.

How did your vicar expect you to answer? I suppose it is nice in some way that he was concerned about you.

I am not sure of your comment about how hard I work but I do nap hard. 

Thank you for kind words and for your concern.

Well, it's 9:54 and I am yawning away so, I hope you sleep well and have a day tomorrow. x 

Hi Annie,

I don't think I will ever feel ok again, I have lost a big part of me and find life pretty pointless at the moment. Like you, I cry regularly.

Did your John pass away at home or the hospital? Fiona and I were married for 27 Years when she passed and we were together for 2 years before we married. 

How do you cope? Do you manage to keep yourself busy?

I hope you had a reasonably good weekend and please  message when you want to chat, if I can help.

Take care.

Hi Annie,

I don't think I will ever feel ok again, I have lost a big part of me and find life pretty pointless at the moment. Like you, I cry regularly.

Did your John pass away at home or the hospital? Fiona and I were married for 27 Years when she passed and we were together for 2 years before we married. 

How do you cope? Do you manage to keep yourself busy?

I hope you had a reasonably good weekend and please  message when you want to chat, if I can help.

Take care.