Hello Paulp,

                    your feelings clearly show how deeply you loved your wife and soulmate.That love is providing the deep and unremitting pain you are now going through.That same love ,in time,will provide the comfort in your life to allow you to move forward.The love does not leave you,its just at the moment been temporarily misplaced , iit will always be within you,part of you,and will journey with you through your life,

                           tread gently and take care of what you carry inside,

                                                                                                              David

Thank you to everyone for your support. 

It's taken some time to get the energy to read and respond. I'm still not doing too well. My daughter seems to be OK.  She keeps herself busy and being a teenager I sometimes don't see much of her.  

My GP has me on antidepressants, but after two weeks all they seem to have done is make me nauseous and extremely tired all the time. At the moment I see her every week as she says she is worried about my state of mind. I have absolutely no interest in anything.  I struggle each day to take the dogs for a walk but often only manage half an hour.  I have lost a lot of weight and have started a strange self harm issue that I don't seem to be able to control and can't understand.  It's like some other part of me takes over. I have called Cruse and at one point the Samaritans (when I really thought I had lost all control). Nice people and good listeners but in the end I didn't feel they were much help to me. Perhaps I'm just not ready for that sorry of talk yet. 

I'm still not back at work but I'm running out of time for full sick pay and I can't afford not to go.  The GP thinks I shouldn't think of work at all at the moment so I don't know what will happen. 

I sit thinking of Anna all day and dream about her each night.  Often there are nightmares covering her last few hours and the mistakes I made over the last few years that I feel led up to not finding her problem until it was too late.  I still can't see how I can have a life without her. My only plan at the moment is to sort her affairs out and then change all my legacy things to make everything as easy as possible for my daughter when I join her. The house is a real mess  I can't bring myself to touch anything of Annas at all. 

I guess this is all depressing and not positive at all.  Some of my acquaintances seem to think I should be 'normal' by now.  I wonder how they would feel if their world was torn apart and they were left with nothing but a hole and an intense yearning. 

I try to keep going but not thinking at all of any future, just going from minute to minute. 

Does this ever end?

I'm really sorry to read your post Paul although I'm glad you have returned to let us know how you are doing. I know it must have been a huge effort to write everything down but I do hope it has helped.

First of all I wanted to congratulate you on walking your dogs every day. I know you've been finding it rather difficult but the fact is you're still trying to do it and that is something to be proud of. I'm sure Anna would be really proud of you as well.

I know you mentioned you're self harming and you're not sure why but as you'll see on the Mind website, many people find the act of hurting themselves as a way of dealing with very difficult feelings, painful memories or overwhelming situations and experiences, and given what you're going through it's completely undestandable why you're finding it difficult to control. Self-harm does carry risks and once you have started to depend on it, it can take a long time to stop so if you haven't done so already, do let your GP know so they can help you work through this. The Mind website has some tips and advice on how you can help yourself now as well.

I'm sorry you didn't feel Cruse or Samaritans weren't really able to help. Talking over the phone can be completely different to seeing and speaking with someone face to face so I was wondering if maybe a bereavement support group may be more beneficial at this moment in time? If you feel this may be something you might be interested in then do see if your GP can give you some information about any that may be in your local area. However, if you don't quite feel ready for that, maybe the online bereavement counselling service that Sue Ryder offer may be better? They offer up to 6 free video counselling sessions to anyone in the UK who is struggling with grief so do get in touch with them if you'd like to find out more and see if this may help.

Depression and grief are very tough to live with and there will be times when you feel there is no end in sight but every minute of every day that you get through is a victory. Step by step, day by day, concentrating on the small things will slowly help.

I do hope some of our members who have already offered their support and guidance to you on this discussion will be back to help you once more but in the meantime, I just want to reiterate what my fellow moderators have said; we are here for you Paul and will do all we can to support you on this journey.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

I'm really sorry to read your post Paul although I'm glad you have returned to let us know how you are doing. I know it must have been a huge effort to write everything down but I do hope it has helped.

First of all I wanted to congratulate you on walking your dogs every day. I know you've been finding it rather difficult but the fact is you're still trying to do it and that is something to be proud of. I'm sure Anna would be really proud of you as well.

I know you mentioned you're self harming and you're not sure why but as you'll see on the Mind website, many people find the act of hurting themselves as a way of dealing with very difficult feelings, painful memories or overwhelming situations and experiences, and given what you're going through it's completely undestandable why you're finding it difficult to control. Self-harm does carry risks and once you have started to depend on it, it can take a long time to stop so if you haven't done so already, do let your GP know so they can help you work through this. The Mind website has some tips and advice on how you can help yourself now as well.

I'm sorry you didn't feel Cruse or Samaritans weren't really able to help. Talking over the phone can be completely different to seeing and speaking with someone face to face so I was wondering if maybe a bereavement support group may be more beneficial at this moment in time? If you feel this may be something you might be interested in then do see if your GP can give you some information about any that may be in your local area. However, if you don't quite feel ready for that, maybe the online bereavement counselling service that Sue Ryder offer may be better? They offer up to 6 free video counselling sessions to anyone in the UK who is struggling with grief so do get in touch with them if you'd like to find out more and see if this may help.

Depression and grief are very tough to live with and there will be times when you feel there is no end in sight but every minute of every day that you get through is a victory. Step by step, day by day, concentrating on the small things will slowly help.

I do hope some of our members who have already offered their support and guidance to you on this discussion will be back to help you once more but in the meantime, I just want to reiterate what my fellow moderators have said; we are here for you Paul and will do all we can to support you on this journey.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator