This is going to be hard for me to write so please bear with me.

My wife survived breast cancer 6 years ago,  but in May it came back with a vengeance, totally unexpectedly.  She died within 10 days of diagnosis. It came back in her liver,  and by the time we knew what was happening there was no possibility of treatment.  She was quite fit and well and it seems that her body managed to cope with loss of liver function until the last 24 hours.  Her death was very traumatic.

Anna was an extremely talented musician and teacher. She is the centre of my world and without her there is nothing. 

We have an 18 year old daughter and 3 dogs who were Annas constant companions.  Mary seems to be coping quite well,  and I did too for a short while.  Now I'm just falling apart.  I miss her so much.  I walk around the house looking for her or just sit waiting for her return. 

Since I can't sleep the doctor gave me sleeping tablets but I had to stop as these made my nightmares worse.  I'm also unable to eat properly and struggle to do pretty much everything. 

I know from reading that these are all common symptoms of grieving, but that makes no difference. 

I have strong thoughts about following her,  and one event where had it not been for an interruption from one of the dogs I would not be here.  Everyone is telling me I should think of our daughter and the dogs,  but the pain is so physically severe at times.  I am not religious,  but if there is an afterlife why should I not seek it, and if not then at least the pain will have gone. 

I struggle to actually talk about any of this.  I have a twin sister who I think knows how I feel and I have tried to talk to the doctor about it, but I end up crying and unable to speak. I have tried to talk/ online chat with various bereavement support agencies but that just makes me feel worse. 

I see no end to this and am completely out of energy to deal with it anymore. I am torn between what is expected of me and what emotionally feels right.

I have lost family members in the past,  but never expected to feel as I do now. 

How are we supposed to carry on?