Hi Paulp I am so sorry that you lost your precious wife, I lost my mum ( she was also best friend & soul mate) 5 weeks ago ands I too have been feeling suicidal at times so I understand the feeling at least from my own perspective.  Please try to hold on for the sake of your lovely daughter & your dogs,  they need you now more than ever. If you're feeling like me,  you don't so much want to die but you want to escape the severe emotional pain that you're in right now. Can I suggest a book to you,  it's called "It's ok that you're not ok" and it has some good suggestions for lessening the suffering within extreme grief. I find it's best not to think ahead at the moment but just focus on making it through the next hour. I'm thinking of you.

Hello Paulp, 

Missmybeautifulmum has given you some very good advice and understands, like many on our forum who have lost a precious loved one, what you are going through and how hard it it is to cope at times. Keep strong and try and talk to your doctor first thing tomorrow if you can about how you are feeling and it is important that you mention too that the sleeping tablets you have been prescribed are not working and have made your nightmares worse  and that you have had to stop taking them. Be honest with your doctor about how you have been feeling, that you haven't been eating properly and ask whether there is anything else they could suggest that might help you. The tiredness and physical exhaustion, the fact you are not eating very well at the moment will also have a deep impact on how you are feeling emotionally so it is important that you go back to your GP and seek help. You have been through something that is deeply traumatic and there is support available for you. Grief counselling might be beneficial too but the most important thing is that you make that step to go and see your doctor and that you explain in detail how you are feeling. If it all feels too much for you and you have trouble talking to the doctor, perhaps someone could go with you to the appointment to help you talk about it, perhaps if she lives nearby the twin sister you mention could accompany you?

I wanted you to know Paulp that we are all here for you on the forum anytime you need to offload or talk to others who have also lost a loved one and who understand what you are going through at the moment. 

If you feel really down, don't hesitate to ring Samaritans at any time of day and night - their line is open 24h a day every single day of the week and you can find their details here. You can ring them on 116 123 for free at any time. 

We're thinking of you Paulp and just wanted you to know that you are not alone and we understand how painful this must be for you but that you need to be strong, that your lovely daughter and your dogs love you so much. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator 

I saw my GP today.  I tried very very hard to tell her what I'm feeling. I think somehow it must have made sense as she said she is worried about me and thinks antidepressants may help. She also wants to refer me to somewhere else,  but I was so disjointed I can't remember any details.   I do remember saying that although I think it's all pointless and won't help I'm prepared to try.  I guess I have to follow through on this somehow. 

It was very difficult meeting someone else and in many ways it was a relief to go home. I seem to be getting to the point I don't want to leave the house.  Even taking the dogs for walks is a short affair and a real struggle. 

I wish I could say I'm feeling better and more in control from having been to the GP,  but I don't. I see no end to this pain. I could never have imagined me reacting in this way.  I was always strong,  and now I feel so tired and lost. 

Hello Paul

Thank you for posting to update us. I'm so glad that you were able to see your GP this morning and that although it was incredibly hard, you were able to tell her just how much you're struggling at the moment. It was a really brave step and I know how difficult it will have been for you. 

I also wanted to say a big well done for accepting the help that she has suggested. Often the idea of medication, counselling or talking therapies can seem pointless and I won't lie Paul for a short while it may make things seem harder but please do stick with it. I know that for many, many people who have been devastated by the loss of a loved one that these things can make a difference. 

I remember someone once telling me that grieving is like having a bag of rocks thrown at you & having to carry them up a mountain. Forever. In time & with work you'll develop muscles that allow you to carry the bag. It will always be a heavy bag of rocks....but you'll be capable of carrying it. 

Keep in touch with us here Paul. As Lucie said in the reply to you last night, we'll do all that we can to support you through this. 

Sending my very best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Hello Paul,

It is extremely traumatic to loose the closest person in your life, particularly so quickly after diagnosis and with no treatment available. (I lost my wife Ann to Pancreatic cancer with very little hope of survival at diagnosis and she endured 9 months of treatment with so many side effects, it was all very difficult and distressing towards the end).

I too struggle (even after two years), and nothing is the same anymore and even now I kind of think  my wife Ann is out shopping and will return.

I am fortunate to have a great daughter and two young Granddaughters that kind of keep me distracted from the ongoing thought that my wife has gone but I still have so many things I wished I could have said and done during our life together.

It’s obviously very difficult for you to cope with life at the moment but the pain will eventually ease and hopefully you and your daughter will be able to to have good memories that you shared together.

Best Wishes, (You are not alone!)

Thank you to everyone for your support. 

It's taken some time to get the energy to read and respond. I'm still not doing too well. My daughter seems to be OK.  She keeps herself busy and being a teenager I sometimes don't see much of her.  

My GP has me on antidepressants, but after two weeks all they seem to have done is make me nauseous and extremely tired all the time. At the moment I see her every week as she says she is worried about my state of mind. I have absolutely no interest in anything.  I struggle each day to take the dogs for a walk but often only manage half an hour.  I have lost a lot of weight and have started a strange self harm issue that I don't seem to be able to control and can't understand.  It's like some other part of me takes over. I have called Cruse and at one point the Samaritans (when I really thought I had lost all control). Nice people and good listeners but in the end I didn't feel they were much help to me. Perhaps I'm just not ready for that sorry of talk yet. 

I'm still not back at work but I'm running out of time for full sick pay and I can't afford not to go.  The GP thinks I shouldn't think of work at all at the moment so I don't know what will happen. 

I sit thinking of Anna all day and dream about her each night.  Often there are nightmares covering her last few hours and the mistakes I made over the last few years that I feel led up to not finding her problem until it was too late.  I still can't see how I can have a life without her. My only plan at the moment is to sort her affairs out and then change all my legacy things to make everything as easy as possible for my daughter when I join her. The house is a real mess  I can't bring myself to touch anything of Annas at all. 

I guess this is all depressing and not positive at all.  Some of my acquaintances seem to think I should be 'normal' by now.  I wonder how they would feel if their world was torn apart and they were left with nothing but a hole and an intense yearning. 

I try to keep going but not thinking at all of any future, just going from minute to minute. 

Does this ever end?

I'm really sorry to read your post Paul although I'm glad you have returned to let us know how you are doing. I know it must have been a huge effort to write everything down but I do hope it has helped.

First of all I wanted to congratulate you on walking your dogs every day. I know you've been finding it rather difficult but the fact is you're still trying to do it and that is something to be proud of. I'm sure Anna would be really proud of you as well.

I know you mentioned you're self harming and you're not sure why but as you'll see on the Mind website, many people find the act of hurting themselves as a way of dealing with very difficult feelings, painful memories or overwhelming situations and experiences, and given what you're going through it's completely undestandable why you're finding it difficult to control. Self-harm does carry risks and once you have started to depend on it, it can take a long time to stop so if you haven't done so already, do let your GP know so they can help you work through this. The Mind website has some tips and advice on how you can help yourself now as well.

I'm sorry you didn't feel Cruse or Samaritans weren't really able to help. Talking over the phone can be completely different to seeing and speaking with someone face to face so I was wondering if maybe a bereavement support group may be more beneficial at this moment in time? If you feel this may be something you might be interested in then do see if your GP can give you some information about any that may be in your local area. However, if you don't quite feel ready for that, maybe the online bereavement counselling service that Sue Ryder offer may be better? They offer up to 6 free video counselling sessions to anyone in the UK who is struggling with grief so do get in touch with them if you'd like to find out more and see if this may help.

Depression and grief are very tough to live with and there will be times when you feel there is no end in sight but every minute of every day that you get through is a victory. Step by step, day by day, concentrating on the small things will slowly help.

I do hope some of our members who have already offered their support and guidance to you on this discussion will be back to help you once more but in the meantime, I just want to reiterate what my fellow moderators have said; we are here for you Paul and will do all we can to support you on this journey.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hello again Paulp,

                            sadly l can relate to everything you write,losing my wife felt so unreal and l totally disconnected with reality for a period and l did not want to return,l think because doing so would have equated to acceptance,and can you ever be prepared for that to happen.Inside my head was a void,and yet it was filled with a relentless restlessness.l found myself walking the local lanes through the night trying to find the exhaustion that would allow me to sleep and have just a few hours away from the situation l found myself in.

                                          As you write ,others depend on you,with you your daughter,for me it was Mother-in -law who was living with us since we had jointly purchased a large property that needed a complete rebuild to turn into three seperate dwellings.The insides had been taken back to a shell when we moved in and l was hit by a car as l set off to pay the bridging loan two days later.It took 5 years for me to walk and use my hands and be able to commence the rebuild,the person l cared for most in the world passed on a year later just as we were getting sorted, that really took the ground from under my feet.

                                The reality that it was not only my life upended,helped me pull through,since l had to finish the properties and enable MIL to sell and release funds since she had no desire to continue in residence.For you it is your daughter,and although at times you may wish you did not have it,a focus away from the heartache is helpful.

 It does get better,but l am not going to tell you its easy or quick,its little things day by day,hardly noticeable,and gradually you become aware of what your partner would have wished for you,and how important it becomes to not let them or their wishes for you down.For me l felt l carried those hopes for two people and not to go forward would have been an utter betrayal of our partnership and the values contained within it from all the years we spent together.Over time it changed me,for the better, gave me a calmness l had never before known,and an inner strength which was put to the test several years later as l faced my own cancer struggle.

                                                                                      l have never shared these feelings with anyone else until now,and l do not have any answers for you,just the knowledge that you must find these for yourself and in a way that you can manage and is right for you.Amongst all the paths this trauma has presented to you,there is one that will lead you out from your misery to a destination of contententment.Its slow going at first,a real trudge,but gradually your steps become surer and one day without being previously aware, you realise you have moved forward,a little distance maybe,but a huge advance with your mind registering forward momentum.Its this understanding that makes your future steps more surefooted and why l will sign off by wishing that you stay safe and tread gently

Time seems to be going by so slowly,  and I have to say each day gets harder to face. I really feel like I'm facing losing the battle to get through this. 

On top of lack of sleep and significant loss of weight ,  my GP has doubled the antidepressants and that really seems to make me feel worse.  Nausea and tiredness are becoming quite a problem,  but she keeps telling me the side effects will fade. 

My daughter still seems to be doing well and being a teenager spends much time talking to her friends and playing games.  I envy her,  but we have little overlap at the moment.  That was pretty much how it was before I lost Anna, so I don't think that's a problem for her.  I do feel isolated though but don't want to push any of my problems on her.

I feel I have become dependant on the self harm events.  I think it's because the minor pain of it focuses my attention away from the severe emptiness and pain I have all the time.  It's frightening to think but without it I honestly think I would be ready to give up. 

I'm also at the stage where everyone is getting on with their lives yet I'm still in limbo.  I have no real friends of my own,  mostly just friends via Anna, and they have now become more remote.

My employer hasn't been in touch for a while,  and I know I'm running out of paid time.  I really don't feel ready to do anything but soon I'll be forced to go back to work although I'm worried that I cannot focus on anything much.  I honestly don't know where the daytime hours disappear to and it seems to me that everything since May 13 is just a blur and a bad dream. 

I have been in touch with Anna's oncologist, looking for answers to why events happened the way they did.  Unfortunately I don't feel comforted with the answers. I feel an awful lot of guilt and Anna's last few hours haunt me every night. 

I guess this is all a bit rambling, but I'd hoped by typing some of this it might help as it's not as direct as talking to Cruse / Samaritans, which is incredibly hard for me to do. 

I wish I could be more supportive to everyone else on this forum.