Hello Paulp, 

Missmybeautifulmum has given you some very good advice and understands, like many on our forum who have lost a precious loved one, what you are going through and how hard it it is to cope at times. Keep strong and try and talk to your doctor first thing tomorrow if you can about how you are feeling and it is important that you mention too that the sleeping tablets you have been prescribed are not working and have made your nightmares worse  and that you have had to stop taking them. Be honest with your doctor about how you have been feeling, that you haven't been eating properly and ask whether there is anything else they could suggest that might help you. The tiredness and physical exhaustion, the fact you are not eating very well at the moment will also have a deep impact on how you are feeling emotionally so it is important that you go back to your GP and seek help. You have been through something that is deeply traumatic and there is support available for you. Grief counselling might be beneficial too but the most important thing is that you make that step to go and see your doctor and that you explain in detail how you are feeling. If it all feels too much for you and you have trouble talking to the doctor, perhaps someone could go with you to the appointment to help you talk about it, perhaps if she lives nearby the twin sister you mention could accompany you?

I wanted you to know Paulp that we are all here for you on the forum anytime you need to offload or talk to others who have also lost a loved one and who understand what you are going through at the moment. 

If you feel really down, don't hesitate to ring Samaritans at any time of day and night - their line is open 24h a day every single day of the week and you can find their details here. You can ring them on 116 123 for free at any time. 

We're thinking of you Paulp and just wanted you to know that you are not alone and we understand how painful this must be for you but that you need to be strong, that your lovely daughter and your dogs love you so much. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator 

I saw my GP today.  I tried very very hard to tell her what I'm feeling. I think somehow it must have made sense as she said she is worried about me and thinks antidepressants may help. She also wants to refer me to somewhere else,  but I was so disjointed I can't remember any details.   I do remember saying that although I think it's all pointless and won't help I'm prepared to try.  I guess I have to follow through on this somehow. 

It was very difficult meeting someone else and in many ways it was a relief to go home. I seem to be getting to the point I don't want to leave the house.  Even taking the dogs for walks is a short affair and a real struggle. 

I wish I could say I'm feeling better and more in control from having been to the GP,  but I don't. I see no end to this pain. I could never have imagined me reacting in this way.  I was always strong,  and now I feel so tired and lost. 

Hello Paul

Thank you for posting to update us. I'm so glad that you were able to see your GP this morning and that although it was incredibly hard, you were able to tell her just how much you're struggling at the moment. It was a really brave step and I know how difficult it will have been for you. 

I also wanted to say a big well done for accepting the help that she has suggested. Often the idea of medication, counselling or talking therapies can seem pointless and I won't lie Paul for a short while it may make things seem harder but please do stick with it. I know that for many, many people who have been devastated by the loss of a loved one that these things can make a difference. 

I remember someone once telling me that grieving is like having a bag of rocks thrown at you & having to carry them up a mountain. Forever. In time & with work you'll develop muscles that allow you to carry the bag. It will always be a heavy bag of rocks....but you'll be capable of carrying it. 

Keep in touch with us here Paul. As Lucie said in the reply to you last night, we'll do all that we can to support you through this. 

Sending my very best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Hello Paul

Thank you for posting to update us. I'm so glad that you were able to see your GP this morning and that although it was incredibly hard, you were able to tell her just how much you're struggling at the moment. It was a really brave step and I know how difficult it will have been for you. 

I also wanted to say a big well done for accepting the help that she has suggested. Often the idea of medication, counselling or talking therapies can seem pointless and I won't lie Paul for a short while it may make things seem harder but please do stick with it. I know that for many, many people who have been devastated by the loss of a loved one that these things can make a difference. 

I remember someone once telling me that grieving is like having a bag of rocks thrown at you & having to carry them up a mountain. Forever. In time & with work you'll develop muscles that allow you to carry the bag. It will always be a heavy bag of rocks....but you'll be capable of carrying it. 

Keep in touch with us here Paul. As Lucie said in the reply to you last night, we'll do all that we can to support you through this. 

Sending my very best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator