I know what you're saying...i lost my husband 14 months ago to the horror of cancer, he was only 44 and not ready to go, i have to raise our two girls alone now, and it's not easy. I miss lots of the little stuff...'in' jokes, that only we understood. The comfortableness of hanging out with someone who knew you so well and you didn't have to pretend with, the memories you'd made together that now noone else remembers...it must be similar for you too as you were so close to your Dad. It often feels like there's not much left to live for, certainly i feel 'the sun never shines so bright again', it feels like there's a cloud over everything. My girls have made me carry on and get through, the only ones i can talk openly to about him and know they feel the loss sorely too. Life is NEVER going to be the same for us is it, and I don't know if i will ever get joy out of this 'new' life again, certainly not like i did, it sucks!!!

It must be unbelievably challenging for you. It sounds as if you had an amazing relationship with your husband. I don't want to sound bitter or angry or resentful because (as others in this thread have pointed out) that doesn't help, but I do feel that it's just dreadful that you should have had to go through something like this.

I'm glad you have your girls, though. They sound like a gift from the gods.

Hi there,

I hope you don't mind my replying to your message - I know you were replying to plebbs (not me), but I couldn't help responding to you because I (believe I) can understand what you're going through. At least I feel I can put myself in your shoes.

I know the feeling of things getting worse not better. That's how I feel too, at times. Not being to see my dad, hear my dad, and feel my dad (I used to cuddle him a lot) is utterly devastating. So I can imagine how it feels for you not to have your wife - such a shock to the system, such a loss, such an enormous void in your life. When you say, "I'm really lost at the minute" that resonates with me because I've felt totally lost for the last 18 months too (since my dad died).

I'm so sorry that the loneliness (sometimes) feels so unbearable you don't know what to do. If i had a solution, I would give it to you. But I don't because I often feel that the loss of my father is utterly unbearable as well.

I'm glad you feel you've got some great people around you who at least help a tiny bit. I'm wishing you strength to get through this horrendous period. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your wife (one that I hope I can have one day).

I know what you mean about some people not feeling it as much, it's almost a bit of an intensity thing in a way, my sister in law is a prime example,  muscled her way in during his last weeks taking over (after hardly seeing him for ages before), now he's gone the kids and i never hear from her, she's busy out and about living her life, got engaged straight after, I'm sure she misses her brother on some level but her life is pretty much carrying on as it was before, ours is not! Our whole world has come crashing down! It's not the same life for us anymore and never will be anything like it again ....and very few people do get that....lucky for them i guess,  wish i still didn't 'get it' either! It really depends i guess on how close you were and how involved with the person you've lost, if you've only seen the person who's gone once or twice a year it's easy to move on isn't it....i do find it's good to hang out with people who knew him well and can talk and reminisce comfortably about him with us. My mother-in-law has become close, she went thru the whole journey with us, attending every appt, bad news after bad news, i know she feels it intensely like me...she also moved in with us to help me in his last weeks (he died at home), I'm more comfortable around her now then my own mother because we've been through so much together  i guess,  my mum really doesn't get it which is nice for her,  but sadly has meant i've received very little support there. One thing that has been really interesting is the people i thought were good friends who've completely vanished. particularly bad are often the ones my husband did stuff for...like the family who's kid my husband took out mountain biking regularly with our daughter....now he obviously can't do that anymore silly me thought they might return the favour! But no, instead they've vanished off the face of the earth! Apart from coming round a couple of weeks after he went to buy cheap his concrete mixer that they were exceedingly quick to point out he no longer needed! hmm.....! Still, we're better off without those 'friends' anyway! It's hurtful though how some people seem to take advantage when you're at your most vulnerable, certainly been a big learning curve for me

Yes - I've often thought that this would be so much easier if I didn't feel as intensely, if I didn't love my father as much as I did. I love(d) him more than life itself. But all that's done is cause tremendous pain. I know people who love lost their parents or loved ones who are sad, of course, but not utterely devastated. They say "It is better to have loved and to have lost than never to have loved at all" - I guess that's true. But it seems to me that love that is so intense (too intense?) just causes too much pain.

It sounds as if you've at least got a few people who "get it." I'm starting to realise that a few is all one can hope for. I think you have to expect most people NOT to get it. Maybe even virtually everyone. Part of it may be self-protection. For somebody to truly "get it," they have to step into your shoes. But stepping into your shoes (when you're experiencing soul-destroying pain, as I am) isn't exactly fun for anyone. I think that I myself avoid it in a way. I could, for example, put myself in my mother's shoes more than I do. She has lost her life partner of 45 years. I have the ability to empathise with her and it doesn't take much for me to feel her pain - all I have to do is think about what she has lost: the man she's spend her entire adult life with, the man she's woken up next to almost every day for 45 years, the person she would do the crossword with in the mornings, probably the only man she's truly loved. It's absolutely heart-breaking even thinking about it. And that's not MY pain. That's hers! But I have so much of my own pain that I don't think I can start taking on her pain as well. So to some extent I don't put myself in her shoes as much as I could. I think there's a natural limit to how much one can, or how much one wants, to empathise with others because we can only take on so much grief (before we're utterly overwhelmed). So perhaps some people in your life are doing that - protecting themselves from the pain they'd feel if they truly put themselves in your shoes.

The only "solution" that I want is the childish, impossible one - to have my dad back.

The only solution i want is my husband back too! If only we could reverse time a bit! I think it's too close to home for my Mum to feel my pain, Dad also has cancer (prostrate) and I only found out a few weeks ago his cancer is also terminal and he now has 1-3 years left, i think they kept it from me as i was already coping with so much, but now i have that to contend with too... life just seems too hard sometimes. And you're right that we can only cope with so much, you are dealing with a huge loss yourself and can't take on your Mum's too. I have found better affinity with strangers who have come into my life thru this, eg at cancer support group. Several of us have now lost partners, some are 'ok' but living on a knifes edge, we meet up regularly and they all knew Tom, it's nice to be among a group of people living it too. Several in the group have gone now, we talk about them and its just a comfortable place to be..it's two years since my husband's diagnosis when we first went to the group, we have all left the 'official' group now as circumstances have changed, but meet independently to support each other and it's a relief to be around them that know...most people feel uncomfortable talking about the person you've lost, they don't realise it's what we want to do! So it's good to find others who are suffering too and not afraid to say their name!

I suppose I have always been a spiritual person and honestly the word soulmate wouldn't exist if there wasn't such thing as a soul

Yes once the person has left this physical life they're gone but they are always with you and you will meet again

If there wasn't so many near death experience stories and evidence of this honestly I feel like I could snap and end up sectioned

Consider this life we are living as a trial run, and the next life as pure peace and happiness with the ones who we truly love

Life is just so strange complicated and sad and being able to speak to people like this just takes the edge off the madness

Despite your grief and the awful loss, you seem to have a really positive energy. I feel optimistic about your chances of finding a way through this ***.

Either that or my brain is being delusional in coping about how I'm eventually going to deal with losing her I just don't even know

Sorry that was in response to someone else but thank god for cancer groups ect any support is positive!

Hi there yes I agree, we all get each other no one understands unless they have been through what we have been through. I feel that you have to be a new you which is really hard.  It been 1 yr and 9 months since my husband passed away and still doesn’t feel that long ago .  People do not realise how fresh it still is and that you think about them everyday and the pain never goes away you just put on a brave face and deal with life! At my work I just hide my unhappiness behind my mask .  It is like you say day by day. I try to find comfort in being by myself with my amazing dog , I try not to put pressure on myself too. X

Yes our lives are changed FOREVER,  and others don't get that,  they very quickly move back into their regular routines and forget all about us. We can't do that ,  our 'regular routines' are no longer there! And the things they used to sort out...at the moment i have something he wired up in the bathroom for the hot water gone bung, flat tyre on daughters bike, trees overgrown and need chopping...all things he would've just sorted! not to mention the lawns need doing AGAIN! I'm struggling to keep up with it all and raise two kids alone now with no help anywhere..only good thing is i don't have much time to think about me and my sadness.....

Yes our lives are changed FOREVER,  and others don't get that,  they very quickly move back into their regular routines and forget all about us. We can't do that ,  our 'regular routines' are no longer there! And the things they used to sort out...at the moment i have something he wired up in the bathroom for the hot water gone bung, flat tyre on daughters bike, trees overgrown and need chopping...all things he would've just sorted! not to mention the lawns need doing AGAIN! I'm struggling to keep up with it all and raise two kids alone now with no help anywhere..only good thing is i don't have much time to think about me and my sadness.....

It's very isolating 

my mums still here fighting we find out how long tomorrow can only be positive as possible but it's terminal

no one could ever understand unless they were in our situation 

it's beyond words but it's comforting to know we're all in this together as sad as it is, it's unconditional love and we've all been blessed to experience that

not sure how ill cope when she's gone from this "world" but being spiritual helps a lot - my dad is very old fashioned and says we're all dying each day which in a way as horrible as it is helps!! No day is guaranteed we just have to be thankful for what we have in the moment

Fingers crossed for tomorrow for you all. Its so hard to hear but remember the prediction can be wrong either side so cherish every moment ask questions you want to ask video moments and take photos this will help after a little anyways.

I'm not spitual but I believe my Dads give me signs I took comfort I hope it was signs xx

Yes sadly it is true that we are ALL terminal,  it is just a matter of when! Makes you realize you need to make each day matter. I think one thing most of us would change if we could was how much time we spent with the person...i think of all the times i popped to the shops when i probably could've managed...up late on the computer researching cancer when i could of been in bed cuddling him....time is what that really don't have and one of the only ways we can really help them is to give them as much as we can xx