I struggle to understand how you have lived such a sad life because of your Dad's death, yes it's hard watching a father die an agonising death as my father did, as well, but being bitter is affecting you, no one else, so what are you achieving?  My father left us when I was 18 years old, just got in the car and drove off tto live a life with someone else who he then had a son with.  So many families have had traumatic lives but it can also make you stronger.  I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by your post, sympathy, understanding, when you can't even do that for yourself.  Life is not easy but it's what you make it, no one else but you can make yourself happy.  Carol

Because he SUFFERED, he was tortured, his spine was caving in because the cancer was eating away at it and the discs were cutting into the spinal cord, it's the worst pain possible. He was also practically paralysed and telling me he's in so much pain and the morphine isn't helping. When you have empathy it affects you, actually it doesn't matter that it's my dad, I would feel the same about seeing anyone in that level of pain. If he'd died of a heart attack I'd have gotten over it quickly, it's the suffering. I can't even put into words what the pain must've been like. Plus we have a useless oncologist in the equation, no one has to go through quite that level of pain, but my dad did because of massive failures by the hospital and his doctor.

I'm just sick of the pain, I've watched my grandfather before that die of cancer, different suffering maybe not quite at the same level as my dad but still horrific. I'm sorry you have watched similar, I'm glad it doesn't affect you in the same way. I don't want to be bitter, it's the way I feel if I could turn it off I would, I don't want to say I have more empathy than most people but I struggle to define it another way when everyone else seems to come to terms with suffering so easily and accept it. I don't understand life, I don't understand how you're meant to feel about any of it or how long you're meant to grieve for.

The responses would be so different if I came here and said I'd lost a child to cancer and I can't get over it there would be all sympathy and "no I'd never get over it either", or "I couldn't live without my kids" and endless sympathy and everyone would be in agreement but because it's a parent it's different. 

What do you mean by "I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by your post, sympathy, understanding, when you can't even do that for yourself"???

Hello cantmoveon

I'm sorry to read your post and hear that you're still struggling with the loss of your Dad. It sounds like it was an incredibly difficult period that you went through and it continues to impact your life on a daily basis. 

Although most of us expect our parents to die before us, many adults are surprised by the complexity and depth of grief when a parent dies. If they died unexpectedly or while younger this can be very difficult to cope with. For many people, the death of a parent is a significant loss. It changes many aspects of their lives and feelings may be complicated. 

You mention in this post that following your father's death you became severely depressed. I'm unsure if you've ever spoken with your GP about how you're feeling or sought any type of counselling support to help you deal with the thoughts and feelings that came about after he died. 

Even this far on it's never too late to seek bereavement counselling. It may be the first step in helping to improve things and for you to be able to move on. I'd encourage you to talk to your GP about your situation and to have a look at the Cruse website as well. 

I hope that this helps in some small way. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Thank you Jenn for your kind post, that's the sort of thing I was looking for when I posted, I guess that's why you are a moderator :happy:

Well it's hard to come to the realisation you will probably go through 3/4 of your entire life without one parent and when my mum dies probably 1/2 my life alone, it seems pointless since the only reason I'm here is because of them-they wanted this life not me. Children only exist because of their parents. 

I've never had counselling or anything I've thought about it but never gone for it. I know I should as no one else wants to know, and at least a counsellor gets paid to listen to you.

Carol-"life is not easy" is about the biggest understatement of the century, I never expected life to be easy, I do expect to not have to go through or watch someone go through horrific pain and suffering, and if that isn't possible then my parents shouldn't have brought me here.

His death has made me stronger in some ways, not having children and going against the masses is not an easy decision and I may not have much to be proud of in life but I'm incredibly proud of that decision to stop the cycle of suffering right here. I've also never taken drugs or drank, most people struggle through life with the help of addictions because most people find life incredibly hard and I don't blame them.

It's funny all this talk these days of mental health issues and getting people to open up and then when they do people don't understand AT ALL. We are truly alone in life. 

You have so much negativity in your post, even blaming parents for having you, you're responsible for your own life and those decisions are yours, no one else's.  I have seen my husband go through a lot of pain and hurt as he has incurable lung cancer so if I was sad and self concerned for me, not him that would be my choice but I put  him and family first.  You've chosen to live a lonely life and that's your own way of dealing with things.  Jenn is right you obviously need some guidance and yes she is sympathetic because that his her role on this forum. I'm more forthright as I'm just a woman dealing with cancer on a daily basis.  I hope you get the help you need.  Carol 

Hi cantmoveon, I usually just float on these forums but felt compelled to reply to you after reading one of the replies. You came on here, like most of us do, to ease the pain we feel at losing someone dear to us, and I felt sad that you did that, only to receive what I thought was quite a judgy and uncaring response saying that you have a lot of negativity in your post!

You lost your dad to an agonising disease and it sounds to me as if you have PTSD, and you are trapped in a cycle of grief and loss. I don't think it's at all surprising that your post is 'negative'! Most of us come on here to vent and release the intense grief we are feeling, and hope to receive some level of understanding and support.

Hopefully, in time, you will find ways to cope with the loss you've experienced, cantmoveon (and the fear of losing your mum which I think comes through from reading between the lines), especially if you do go ahead and have some counselling, and then I hope you will feel more at ease with life.

I agree that life is not easy, and that there is lots of suffering, but I also think there is a way forward, but you probably do need help in dealing with the PTSD so that it's not the focus. Wishing you lots of strength and love from here x

Hello Cantmoveon

I wonder whether it may be useful to speak with your GP and to explain exactly how you are feeling?  Whilst we never forget those we have loved and lost, and the sometimes awful circumstances in which they died, we do have to carry on living our lives and finding some happiness, where we can.  I think your feelings are understandable and you do need some help to deal with them, as far as you can.

What you've done so far has been totally on your own.  There is help out there.  Please seek it out as you are still so young and need that professional help in dealing with your loss.  
 

Take care.  And do it today!  Ring the GP ️