I struggle to understand how you have lived such a sad life because of your Dad's death, yes it's hard watching a father die an agonising death as my father did, as well, but being bitter is affecting you, no one else, so what are you achieving?  My father left us when I was 18 years old, just got in the car and drove off tto live a life with someone else who he then had a son with.  So many families have had traumatic lives but it can also make you stronger.  I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by your post, sympathy, understanding, when you can't even do that for yourself.  Life is not easy but it's what you make it, no one else but you can make yourself happy.  Carol

Because he SUFFERED, he was tortured, his spine was caving in because the cancer was eating away at it and the discs were cutting into the spinal cord, it's the worst pain possible. He was also practically paralysed and telling me he's in so much pain and the morphine isn't helping. When you have empathy it affects you, actually it doesn't matter that it's my dad, I would feel the same about seeing anyone in that level of pain. If he'd died of a heart attack I'd have gotten over it quickly, it's the suffering. I can't even put into words what the pain must've been like. Plus we have a useless oncologist in the equation, no one has to go through quite that level of pain, but my dad did because of massive failures by the hospital and his doctor.

I'm just sick of the pain, I've watched my grandfather before that die of cancer, different suffering maybe not quite at the same level as my dad but still horrific. I'm sorry you have watched similar, I'm glad it doesn't affect you in the same way. I don't want to be bitter, it's the way I feel if I could turn it off I would, I don't want to say I have more empathy than most people but I struggle to define it another way when everyone else seems to come to terms with suffering so easily and accept it. I don't understand life, I don't understand how you're meant to feel about any of it or how long you're meant to grieve for.

The responses would be so different if I came here and said I'd lost a child to cancer and I can't get over it there would be all sympathy and "no I'd never get over it either", or "I couldn't live without my kids" and endless sympathy and everyone would be in agreement but because it's a parent it's different. 

Because he SUFFERED, he was tortured, his spine was caving in because the cancer was eating away at it and the discs were cutting into the spinal cord, it's the worst pain possible. He was also practically paralysed and telling me he's in so much pain and the morphine isn't helping. When you have empathy it affects you, actually it doesn't matter that it's my dad, I would feel the same about seeing anyone in that level of pain. If he'd died of a heart attack I'd have gotten over it quickly, it's the suffering. I can't even put into words what the pain must've been like. Plus we have a useless oncologist in the equation, no one has to go through quite that level of pain, but my dad did because of massive failures by the hospital and his doctor.

I'm just sick of the pain, I've watched my grandfather before that die of cancer, different suffering maybe not quite at the same level as my dad but still horrific. I'm sorry you have watched similar, I'm glad it doesn't affect you in the same way. I don't want to be bitter, it's the way I feel if I could turn it off I would, I don't want to say I have more empathy than most people but I struggle to define it another way when everyone else seems to come to terms with suffering so easily and accept it. I don't understand life, I don't understand how you're meant to feel about any of it or how long you're meant to grieve for.

The responses would be so different if I came here and said I'd lost a child to cancer and I can't get over it there would be all sympathy and "no I'd never get over it either", or "I couldn't live without my kids" and endless sympathy and everyone would be in agreement but because it's a parent it's different.