Hi all,
Lost my dad years ago now but still feel very bitter about life. Actually I've always hated life and wished I had never been born. My dad was a much older father so when he became terminal with cancer I was only in my early 20s and this had a big impact on me as all my friends were out travelling the world and I was watching my elderly dad dying for a year and then grieving the loss for years. Something that my friends probably won't have to go through until decades later. My 20s supposed to be some of the best years of my life were my absolute worst, I became a recluse and severely depressed. Not a day goes by when I don't wish I had never been born. Like who even needs this.
I did finally get over my dad's death it took about EIGHT years but the only thing I could do was say "I don't care anymore" which is not particularly healthy or nice but it's the only thing I could do to cope and accept as nothing else can make you come to terms with how horrible it was. Stuff used to trigger me all the time just even catching a hospital programme or something so I had to just say "I don't care about the suffering anymore" to not get triggered by it.
I know I'm over it now as it seems like a lifetime ago that I had a dad and I can barely even remember him anymore (except the suffering, that'll never go away) but the bitterness about that part of my life still remains. I know I'm not the the only person to lose a parent young to cancer (although I know for a fact my dads pain was off the scale the most pain you could ever have), how on earth do people still have an ok life after that and go on to have children? I never could, I don't want kids anyway but even if I did I would have denied myself them because of what life is like and what I've seen, I don't understand why other people don't feel the same. I could cry everytime someone I know gives birth thinking what that innocent child will have to go through in life.
