Hi, my mum passed away last April. She was also so sick her final days and I have been haunted by that. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, in shock like someone had punched me in the gut. I kept going over those images again and again... How weak she got, how much she deteriorated day by day. Her final moments. The pain and the indignity of it all. It was all so traumatizing. Then a few months ago I started speaking with a bereavement counsellor. It really helped me over time. We would talk about those final days a lot. She also taught me some tools - that I should try to "change the channel" on those thoughts and think about her happy and healthy remembering that her life was so much more than her illness.  It's not easy and my mind goes back to all the bad memories but I try and use these tools as much as I can. I also remind myself that my mum wouldn't want me to remember her that way and she would want me to focus on the rest of her life. I found this group of bereavement counsellors through the NHS. The program is run by a charity and I can donate for my sessions if I want to. I think they are amazing. 

I understand how alone you feel and I feel the same way. I'm 43 and single. I was very close to my mum. My counsellor understands everything I tell her, yet she helps to give me more perspective on things. You should definitely find out if you can see someone too. 

Love and Hugs, R

Thank you rk999, I'll definitely look into that. The only thing I worry is I actually don't want to remember her well because the pain of knowing what I had and been robbed of is too difficult aswell. I always quite literally 'change the channel' by turning on my phone or tv to block it out! Thank you for the advice and I'm so glad the counselling has made a difference for you, hopefully it will fit me too

Thank you rk999, I'll definitely look into that. The only thing I worry is I actually don't want to remember her well because the pain of knowing what I had and been robbed of is too difficult aswell. I always quite literally 'change the channel' by turning on my phone or tv to block it out! Thank you for the advice and I'm so glad the counselling has made a difference for you, hopefully it will fit me too