Hello worriedsis, 

First of all I am so sorry for your loss - it must have been really traumatic for you to watch your sister suffering and I can understand why you are feeling haunted by these memories. It does sound like it would be a good idea for you to reach out and get some professional help so that you don't keep having those unbearable flashbacks and you can gradually learn to get through the day. I am sure your family will not mind that you talk to them about it even if they themselves are going through the same and don't worry I am sure it will not drag them down to listen to you. It may on the contrary be a good thing that you can open up about it and that they can also share with you how they have been feeling since your sister passed away. 

There are counsellors who actually specialise in grief counselling and even though as you say they didn't meet your sister in person, they will have the expertise to guide you and to help you, with time, feel a little better. You could talk to a GP first about this if you wish and discuss whether it would be beneficial for you to talk to a grief counsellor. 

You have done the right thing to come here and get all this off your chest. I hope it will help you to reach out to others who understand what you are going through at the moment and the complex emotions involved during the grieving process. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and you may be interested to read more on the subject on our website here. 

I will now let our other members who have also lost a loved one to cancer come and say hello and share their own personal grieving journeys with you. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and we are all here for you anytime you wish to talk to others who understand how you are feeling.

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi

can I do a friend request and message you? In the same boat. 

Hi

My daughter died eighteen months ago and she suffered so much and without complaining. I also keep thinking about her suffering on a daily basis. I did find counselling helped but then covid 19 came along and it was stopped. 

The only thing I have found to do, is to stop myself thinking about the bad times, as soon as I start thinking I try to shut the thoughts down, its not easy but I am hoping with time I will be able to remember good times without the bad.

Stay strong and safe

Mum76

Hi, my mum passed away last April. She was also so sick her final days and I have been haunted by that. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, in shock like someone had punched me in the gut. I kept going over those images again and again... How weak she got, how much she deteriorated day by day. Her final moments. The pain and the indignity of it all. It was all so traumatizing. Then a few months ago I started speaking with a bereavement counsellor. It really helped me over time. We would talk about those final days a lot. She also taught me some tools - that I should try to "change the channel" on those thoughts and think about her happy and healthy remembering that her life was so much more than her illness.  It's not easy and my mind goes back to all the bad memories but I try and use these tools as much as I can. I also remind myself that my mum wouldn't want me to remember her that way and she would want me to focus on the rest of her life. I found this group of bereavement counsellors through the NHS. The program is run by a charity and I can donate for my sessions if I want to. I think they are amazing. 

I understand how alone you feel and I feel the same way. I'm 43 and single. I was very close to my mum. My counsellor understands everything I tell her, yet she helps to give me more perspective on things. You should definitely find out if you can see someone too. 

Love and Hugs, R

Yes that would be lovely! Always nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what I'm feeling and at the moment I don't feel I have anyone to talk to as it was always my sister I went to. I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way too though, wish things could be different! X

Thank you for sharing mum76. My mum is coping with it the exact same way as you! Some people think it's not right to bottle up emotions and not think about the loved one but if we think of her and especially what she went through for a single minute our lives just come crashing down. So against all advice we just try to block it all out. I'm so sorry that you have these memories of your daughter. I feel like I can't think about her I'll because I don't want to remember how she suffered but I can't think about when she was well because I'm devastated at the thought of what we're all missing now x

Thank you rk999, I'll definitely look into that. The only thing I worry is I actually don't want to remember her well because the pain of knowing what I had and been robbed of is too difficult aswell. I always quite literally 'change the channel' by turning on my phone or tv to block it out! Thank you for the advice and I'm so glad the counselling has made a difference for you, hopefully it will fit me too

I've sent you a friend request ( I think!). It's so so hard isn't it?