Hello Juel1, 

I am so sorry for your loss and wanted to send you our sincere condolences from the Cancer Chat team.  You definitely didn't let your mum down when you went out of the room for a few minutes - you definitely shouldn't blame yourself for that and I am sure your mum appreciated knowing that you were there for her. All those complex feelings are part of the difficult grieving process and you can read more about this on this page. Don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling and what you should be doing. Grief is a very personal thing and there is no right or wrong way of grieving.

You have come to the right place though to talk to others who have also lost a loved one to cancer and I hope you will get to talk to some of our lovely members here who have been in a similar place before. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi there ...

And welcome to our little chat room.... just wanted to add to our kind Lucie,  your not alone ...  I've lost way to many this year ... esp my granddaughter to leaukemia....  you feel just how your mind feels ... go with it, what ever it is .. try to get it in balance... but we all grieve differently .. 

I'm sure your mum is looking down , so proud of her girl ... she'll know how much you loved her ... everyone has regrets ... no one can say there's nothing they wouldn't change ... but us mum's... we love unconditionally.... and I'm sure she'll be looking after you in the future ... just coz we can't see them, doesn't mean they are not around .... sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie x

Do not fear Gtp, for Mod Steph is here ;)

If you look at the post you made to Juel you'll notice an '@' symbol is now in front of their name. This means they are now tagged in the post and should receive an email notification letting them know your post was meant for them.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Moderator Lucie,

Thank you for your reply. It means so much that people care. I have been beginning to sort things out which I have found absolutely exhausting. There is so much to do regarding paperwork type things. It feels overwhelming. Sad to think so many people are going through the same thing.

Juel1 xxxx

Hi Chriss,

Thank you so much for replying.  

So sorry you have had so much loss. It means so much that in the midst of your own grief you have such lovely words of comfort for others. I do feel differently since reading your post, that because I can't see mum doesn't mean that she is not here 

I have to make arrangements now and am finding that hard. Struggling to make decisions. Finding everything exhausting.

Thanks again for your kind words and big (((hugs))) to you xxx

Hi Gtp,

Thank you for replying to my post. Sorry that you have been in the same place as me. Makes me sad that so many others have to suffer. I think you're right that about the guilt. It is tough though. I have been sorting out things that have to be done and finding it exhausting. I haven't been out of the house and know that is going to be difficult. It's easier to hide away at the moment because of the current situation. I feel like I am in a different reality and I will wake up and everything will be back to normal. Feel scared of the future really. 

Thanks again and take care xxx

Dear Juel1, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mum, it's the worst pain ever.  My Mum died the 29th December a few years ago, she had dementia and cancer, so she was also in a terrible state and pain, like you I was relieved when it ended as you tend to prepare yourself for the worst.  I sat with her the night before she died, left to get some sleep and when I rang to visit her she had just passed away, I was bereft and basically lost the plot as I had seen her all the time.  It seems that parents do not want us to see them die, you will read the same scenario again and again.  My mother in law had lung cancer, my husband went for a cup of tea and she died whilst he was at the tea machine.  You will find your way through it all but Christmas makes it even harder as I know.  You grieve in your own way, unfortunately most people don't know what to say so it becomes platitudes, just say thank you and leave it at that, it's hard on you but they mean well.  I hope knowing that others have been through the same will help just a little bit.  Kind wishes, Carol x 

Hi Dor06,

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it really means a lot that you have taken the time. I am sorry that you have been in the same situation as me, and your husband too. I think you are right about parents choosing to go when they are alone. I tell myself that, but still feel guilty. I am glad though that my mum is out of pain. I miss her so much. I feel so strange, like I am not in the real world and when I talk to people it's like I am just saying what I think they want me to say, like it's not really me. Sorry for rambling! I haven't bothered with Christmas, another thing that feels odd. I hope you have a good Christmas in whichever way you choose to spend it. Thanks again xxxxx