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I've lost my dad

EMFPatts
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My dad passed away 10 days ago, 7 weeks to the day he left hospital with palliative care. 

Things dont really seem real. I was a complete mess the first two days but now I just feel nothing really.

Last time I saw him, he was so poorly- I have never seen someone so poorly! You would be forgiven for not even realising it was him. A shadow of the strong man I know, unable to do anything for himself and mostly sleeping. Was all so upsetting. 

I'm relieved he is no longer suffering and then I feel guilty for feeling relieved. 

I feel awful he is currently alone while we are sorting funeral plans and cant bare the thought of him in the funeral home with no family around him.

When i go to bed I lay awake for hours just thinking about him when I last visited and feel so distressed at how quickly he deteriorated. 

I just dont feel like I thought I would - I imagined being the biggest mess but I'm not. Is this all normal?

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    Hi EMFPatts, 

     

    I feel for you, my mum passed away on Monday. Two and a bit weeks after leaving hospital after a stroke. Ovarian cancer had spread to the brain with my mum, and she too deteriorated very quickly. We were given a 3 month prognosis with mum, and it was extremely disturbing to see her worsen so quickly. 

     

    I know there are no words that can bring you real comfort, but I just want you to know you are not alone. I too lie awake at night with a lot of thoughts. I am taking some comfort from knowing my mum is now in the comfort of a chapel of rest, I am seeing her tomorrow and have extended the invite to many of her family and friends. If you are familiar with your dad's friends or extended family I'd recommend picking up the phone, I even managed to crack a smile at one of my mum's best friends, who said she'd love to visit her at the chapel of rest. 

     

    I also feel a sense of relief, and I beat myself up for that. On mum's final day she took quite a dramatic turn for the worse and I have managed to convince myself that keeping her here would've been cruel. She was in such a bad way, but remember it is not relief she has passed, its relief that our loved one is no longer going through the suffering of their final days/hours. 

     

    Rest assured I have also had a few days where I haven't cried and felt nothing. I have my wobbles, but our parents are a part of us, your dad sounds just as strong as my mum and I can only hope that our parents have left us with an element of this strength. They would never want to see us breaking down. 

     

    You really are in my thoughts, please remember you are not alone, your story is extremely similar to mine and you have my deepest sympathies. 

     

    Take care, 

     

    Catherine x 

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    HI MY DAD WAS 68. HE DIED IN MAY WE DIDNT HAVE THE BEST RELATIONSHIP BC HE COULNT ACCEPET MY EPILEPSY I FORGAVE HIM AND WE GOOD AGSAIN THEN HE DIES IM SO HEARTBROKEN 

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    I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN I LOST MINE IN MAY 6M NOW I WAS TOLD TODAY TO GET OVER HIM I STROMED OUT IN TEARS 

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    Hey, 

    I lost my dad 20 months ago to this vile disease, he was 58 (story on my profile). 
    My story is different as I was due to have his first grandchild and went in to labour the day after the funeral, my mind was all over the place to say the least. 
    We had a 10 day wait from when he went to sleep and I the same as you found the hardest part thinking of him alone. 
    For me not seeing him was the right decision although I do feel terrible guilt that I could have done 10 more times. 
    BUT what I really want to say is that the day before the funeral the man from the funeral directors came round to introduce himself (probably not something happening with Covid) and he said so many things that made me feel like dad wasn't alone there and they had genuinely taken care of him. 
    'Your dad is a very handsome man' 

    'Your dad looks so young and peaceful asleep' 

    'Your dad has the pillow you made with all your photos with him' 

    I could go on, but I felt so comforted and that they genuinely cared, they knew my dad and he wasn't alone. 
    Still to this day remembering those kind words helped me and I know it would be the same for your dad, they have so much respect. 
    Thinking of you at this difficult time, I promise you everything you feel is normal and it will come and go in waves, but you will get through it one day at a time, or 'learn to live with it' as they say! 

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