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I've lost my dad

EMFPatts
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My dad passed away 10 days ago, 7 weeks to the day he left hospital with palliative care. 

Things dont really seem real. I was a complete mess the first two days but now I just feel nothing really.

Last time I saw him, he was so poorly- I have never seen someone so poorly! You would be forgiven for not even realising it was him. A shadow of the strong man I know, unable to do anything for himself and mostly sleeping. Was all so upsetting. 

I'm relieved he is no longer suffering and then I feel guilty for feeling relieved. 

I feel awful he is currently alone while we are sorting funeral plans and cant bare the thought of him in the funeral home with no family around him.

When i go to bed I lay awake for hours just thinking about him when I last visited and feel so distressed at how quickly he deteriorated. 

I just dont feel like I thought I would - I imagined being the biggest mess but I'm not. Is this all normal?

Parents
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    Hey, 

    I lost my dad 20 months ago to this vile disease, he was 58 (story on my profile). 
    My story is different as I was due to have his first grandchild and went in to labour the day after the funeral, my mind was all over the place to say the least. 
    We had a 10 day wait from when he went to sleep and I the same as you found the hardest part thinking of him alone. 
    For me not seeing him was the right decision although I do feel terrible guilt that I could have done 10 more times. 
    BUT what I really want to say is that the day before the funeral the man from the funeral directors came round to introduce himself (probably not something happening with Covid) and he said so many things that made me feel like dad wasn't alone there and they had genuinely taken care of him. 
    'Your dad is a very handsome man' 

    'Your dad looks so young and peaceful asleep' 

    'Your dad has the pillow you made with all your photos with him' 

    I could go on, but I felt so comforted and that they genuinely cared, they knew my dad and he wasn't alone. 
    Still to this day remembering those kind words helped me and I know it would be the same for your dad, they have so much respect. 
    Thinking of you at this difficult time, I promise you everything you feel is normal and it will come and go in waves, but you will get through it one day at a time, or 'learn to live with it' as they say! 

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    Hey, 

    I lost my dad 20 months ago to this vile disease, he was 58 (story on my profile). 
    My story is different as I was due to have his first grandchild and went in to labour the day after the funeral, my mind was all over the place to say the least. 
    We had a 10 day wait from when he went to sleep and I the same as you found the hardest part thinking of him alone. 
    For me not seeing him was the right decision although I do feel terrible guilt that I could have done 10 more times. 
    BUT what I really want to say is that the day before the funeral the man from the funeral directors came round to introduce himself (probably not something happening with Covid) and he said so many things that made me feel like dad wasn't alone there and they had genuinely taken care of him. 
    'Your dad is a very handsome man' 

    'Your dad looks so young and peaceful asleep' 

    'Your dad has the pillow you made with all your photos with him' 

    I could go on, but I felt so comforted and that they genuinely cared, they knew my dad and he wasn't alone. 
    Still to this day remembering those kind words helped me and I know it would be the same for your dad, they have so much respect. 
    Thinking of you at this difficult time, I promise you everything you feel is normal and it will come and go in waves, but you will get through it one day at a time, or 'learn to live with it' as they say! 

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