My dad passed away 10 days ago, 7 weeks to the day he left hospital with palliative care. 

Things dont really seem real. I was a complete mess the first two days but now I just feel nothing really.

Last time I saw him, he was so poorly- I have never seen someone so poorly! You would be forgiven for not even realising it was him. A shadow of the strong man I know, unable to do anything for himself and mostly sleeping. Was all so upsetting. 

I'm relieved he is no longer suffering and then I feel guilty for feeling relieved. 

I feel awful he is currently alone while we are sorting funeral plans and cant bare the thought of him in the funeral home with no family around him.

When i go to bed I lay awake for hours just thinking about him when I last visited and feel so distressed at how quickly he deteriorated. 

I just dont feel like I thought I would - I imagined being the biggest mess but I'm not. Is this all normal?