Hi Loubell

My mum died two days ago on the 18th of Aug and I am in the exact same boat as you, I lived with her and she was my best friend and now I'm alone in a house that i don't want to be in. I have older brothers and i'm the only girl in my family and now i feel like i've lost my whole world. 

When I found out that her cancer was spreading and that the chemo she was having would only extend her life it broke my heart in two and i knew that i wouldn't be able to cope without her and made the decision that i wanted to go with her. 

I haven't told any of my siblings that because i know how much it would hurt them to hear me say that. 

I had made up my mind that the moment my mum passed away then i would go with her. I looked up ways in which i could go and every time i did the ideas were all worse and then a couple weeks ago she fell ill and ended up in hospital without even having any chemo and we found out over last weekend that her organs were failing and she would have days and we were told that on Monday 17th Aug and then the next day she died. 

I was okay the next day but then when i found a letter that she had wrote to me and opened it up i broke and now i can't stop crying. I still want to be with her so badly because i don't honestly think i will be able to cope without her here but at the same time i want to live and do all the things i talked about with her but the grief is starting to get unbearable to the point i wander around the house and cry. 

Will i survive this? I honestly don't know because the grief is starting to kick in but everything else in me wants to so badly try at life. 

I'm really sorry for your loss Kerrie and I can't begin to imagine how painful and difficult this must be for you at the moment but please try to reach out to your family or friends and let them know how you're feeling as I'm sure they will want to do everything they can to help

If you're really struggling with being in the house by yourself, would it be possible for you to get in touch with one of your brothers and stay with them or they come and stay with you? I know it's tricky with the pandemic but having someone with you or being in a different environment may really help at this time.

If that's not possible just yet and you just need to someone to talk to about this then you could get in touch with the Samaritans. They're available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on 116 123 and are there to listen and support you in any way they can.

Some of our members have found bereavement counselling to be really helpful when working through their grief so this may be something you could look in to as well.

As you've seen on this forum, you are not alone on this journey and our members really do understand what you're going through. If you can try to take things a day at a time and remember that your mum lives on through you and I'm sure she would really want you to keep going and do all those things that you talked about.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

I'm really sorry for your loss Kerrie and I can't begin to imagine how painful and difficult this must be for you at the moment but please try to reach out to your family or friends and let them know how you're feeling as I'm sure they will want to do everything they can to help

If you're really struggling with being in the house by yourself, would it be possible for you to get in touch with one of your brothers and stay with them or they come and stay with you? I know it's tricky with the pandemic but having someone with you or being in a different environment may really help at this time.

If that's not possible just yet and you just need to someone to talk to about this then you could get in touch with the Samaritans. They're available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on 116 123 and are there to listen and support you in any way they can.

Some of our members have found bereavement counselling to be really helpful when working through their grief so this may be something you could look in to as well.

As you've seen on this forum, you are not alone on this journey and our members really do understand what you're going through. If you can try to take things a day at a time and remember that your mum lives on through you and I'm sure she would really want you to keep going and do all those things that you talked about.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator