Hiya love 

I know how u feel it would be a year on Friday that I lost my mum to bowel cancer.it is so hard and I think about her every day.i too lived with her and my family and looked after her since she became poorly.I talk to her out the window every night and blow kisses up to her, its my way of coping I guess.I went to cruse counselling 2 months after we lost her and they were so lovely and it did help in time.I'm so sorry u r feeling the way u do losing someone so close it does hurts like hell.it does help to talk to people even if u don't know them or talking to family and helping each other.my dad brother and me talk about my mum all the time it helps even though we get upset.it's always good to talk.I learnt to let my grief out alot and still do.

I've had my own challenge as well I was diagonised with breast cancer 5 months after losing my mum and had 18 wks of harsh chemo and just had op today.i kept thinking why have i got it why has cancer come after me.all I wanted was my mum too I just wanted a hug from her to tell me it will all be ok.

Sending u big hugs

xxx

Hello Loubell. 

I'v just joined and came across your post as I'm going though losing my mum ( best friend) too. As I read each word on your post i sat here crying as I could feel your love, pain and lost in each word you posted. 

My mum is still here but she hasn't got long left. Each night I wake up crying, sweating and my heart feels it's going to come out of my chest as it all comes back to me that it isn't a nightmare it's real. I'm sorry I don't know how your mum passed away, mine had breast cancer which she was given the all clear at Xmas just gone then in Janurary she had a fit which later found out it had travelled to her brain. I was sat with her on her hospital bed and can still see the look on her face when the doctor just told her she has weeks to live. That was nearly 7 months ago. I don't think she has very long now as she's being sick, losing weight and now on morphine every 2 hours. I'v reach out to Marie curie which a lovely lady rings me each week and I just tell her How I'm feeling but spend most of the conversation just crying. 

I was so touch by your message as I feel the same way even tho she's still here shes not if that makes sense. My mum is my world and I just feel I have no one who can relate to the pain I'm going though untill I read your post. I'v properly not been very supportive in this post but as I'm sat here crying writing this post I just wanted to let you know your not alone. I feel the pain too :( 

Thank you for replying, i am so sorry you are going through what you are. The pain of missing out mums is overwhelming, my family are not interested but my friends are there for me thank goodness. Sending hugs back xx

Thank you so much for replying, i really don't know how i'm getting through each day, the thought of not being with her for the next hour let alone longer is killing me. The only comfort i have is that we will be together when i pass away, it sounds awful but i hope it's soon and i'm 38 now. I don't have children and may not be able to have any, it kills me my mum would have loved a baby to pieces. I just take comfort we will be together again xx

Thank you so much Gtp, you are so right, it feels impossible to see any way ahead, so i try to find any way to get through each hour, sometimes minutes. They say the amount of utter grief you feel is in comparison to the love you had, and my god did i love my mum. I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad, but my amazing person is gone and i feel so alone without her. Each day is a step closer to her, and that keeps me going. Xxx

Hi Loubell

My mum died two days ago on the 18th of Aug and I am in the exact same boat as you, I lived with her and she was my best friend and now I'm alone in a house that i don't want to be in. I have older brothers and i'm the only girl in my family and now i feel like i've lost my whole world. 

When I found out that her cancer was spreading and that the chemo she was having would only extend her life it broke my heart in two and i knew that i wouldn't be able to cope without her and made the decision that i wanted to go with her. 

I haven't told any of my siblings that because i know how much it would hurt them to hear me say that. 

I had made up my mind that the moment my mum passed away then i would go with her. I looked up ways in which i could go and every time i did the ideas were all worse and then a couple weeks ago she fell ill and ended up in hospital without even having any chemo and we found out over last weekend that her organs were failing and she would have days and we were told that on Monday 17th Aug and then the next day she died. 

I was okay the next day but then when i found a letter that she had wrote to me and opened it up i broke and now i can't stop crying. I still want to be with her so badly because i don't honestly think i will be able to cope without her here but at the same time i want to live and do all the things i talked about with her but the grief is starting to get unbearable to the point i wander around the house and cry. 

Will i survive this? I honestly don't know because the grief is starting to kick in but everything else in me wants to so badly try at life. 

Ohh Kerrie30 I am so so sorry, I could have written your post too. The pain without her is so unbearable I just wander about all day thinking of all the things we would have been doing,  the depression is horrible and I now have terrible anxiety. I think as we were in the position of living with our mums, everything we have is built around them and all I want is to be with my mum too. I can't imagine tomorrow without her let alone any longer........ but i know my mum wants me to live and would be furious if if i didn't try.....yet the pain is utterly unbearable at times i know i really do i have had your thoughts many times, but we will nit be with them again that way i promise you. I don't have a Dad, and now only have a brother and 2 sisters who are sick of me and my utter despair, they did absoloutly nothing for my mum and it kills me they have gone back to life while mine is in tatters. They couldn't care less about me, and it hurts even though i know they have empty lives and are despicable people. I have now let them go too. I find i feel so scared, shaky and worried, and i know its because my rock has gone and i'm on my own now. The only comfort i have is i truely believe i will be with her again one day, and each day we get through is a day closer to her. My mum had great faith & i pray i will be with her soon. We WILL survive this, our lovely mums made us strong or we would't have got this far. I am so so sorry your going through this pain too, i know i am not writing anything helpful at all. When the pain becomes too much i just say to myself i will be with her again, and got through another day. I am so sorry i wish i could take your pain awayxx Please message me anytime you want to chat if i can help in any way i really mean it xxx

I'm really sorry for your loss Kerrie and I can't begin to imagine how painful and difficult this must be for you at the moment but please try to reach out to your family or friends and let them know how you're feeling as I'm sure they will want to do everything they can to help

If you're really struggling with being in the house by yourself, would it be possible for you to get in touch with one of your brothers and stay with them or they come and stay with you? I know it's tricky with the pandemic but having someone with you or being in a different environment may really help at this time.

If that's not possible just yet and you just need to someone to talk to about this then you could get in touch with the Samaritans. They're available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on 116 123 and are there to listen and support you in any way they can.

Some of our members have found bereavement counselling to be really helpful when working through their grief so this may be something you could look in to as well.

As you've seen on this forum, you are not alone on this journey and our members really do understand what you're going through. If you can try to take things a day at a time and remember that your mum lives on through you and I'm sure she would really want you to keep going and do all those things that you talked about.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Lou.  Sorry to hear this.  It must be so hard.  Hope you can take comfort from all your lovely memories although its not the same.  You are normal to feel the way you do.  I'm sure your Mum would want to find a way of coping and to find ways of being happy so please don't give up,  she sounds like she was a lovely person so she would want you to live the best life you can, its ok to feel overwhelmed and so sad though but keep going, for her xx