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It feels like it is getting worse...

Jalexmith
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I lost my husband in March.  We planned for funeral of 250+ and little by little it all got taken away. On the day (1st April - the joke was on me) it was just me and my son. And I had to drive us there and back again.  Two weeks after that, I began fighting for the survival of my business because of COVID.  There is loads of support advice out there for employees, but I cannot find any support networks for when you are the Boss and the business needs you to keep going.  My staff treat me like nothing has happened.  I haven't been hugged since he died, apart from my son. He is struggling mentally so I'm trying to be his rock.  But there are days when I want to scream for someone to acknowledge the sheer significance of my loss and what I am having to cope with.  And it is getting worse. The days are darker, longer and emptier.  I don't know how to keep going.  I want to harm myself just to feel a different kind of pain.  I drink during the evenings to fill the time.  I know I have to stop but it is like being at the bottom of a well and no one can hear you cry for help.

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    Hi there ...

    So so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment... this new way of life sinse covid has made hard situations even cruler ..

    But please know turning to alcohol is a temporary solution ... I used to work at a 're hab ... and trust me, it starts off as a crutch, and turns into the problem you will find it so hard to stop ..  it will be far worse then facing the situation you are in ..

    On this site, we all have enormous problems ... wer either going through cancer our selfs or caring for someone we love with it .. or both ... those problems your comming a cross, your not alone ... we've all been there, that's how we ended up here too .. but we try to hold each other's hand through those tuff times we face ... so we don't turn to other things to take the pain away ... it's so hard, but it's doable ..

    I myself have had my cancer journey.. then 2 other close family got diagnosed within months of me .. then I lost a young niece to cystic fibrosis... then lost a sister to dementure.. then my granddaughter got acute myeloid leukaemia in Feb... facing chemo .. radio .. and stem cell .. at 18 ... and now another niece has been diagnosed with cancer last week ...

    So hunny, I know all too well how easy it would be to have a drink to dull the pain ... but I know in the end it would have a hold on my life ... and like you I have a son who needs me to keep it together, as wer all holding on ... just .. and at my big sisters funeral .. I had to wait outside .. only a few let in .. and through all of this, we've not been able to hug either .. yes it's overwhelming crule .. but it's a world now where everyone is hurting .. everyone misses hugs .. your not alone .. we know how it feels ..

    So yes life is hard for you .. but you have a son to help you through .. so many on here have no one .. you have that amazing gift your hubby left you .. a son that is part of him ..

    If I were you, I'd put all those feelings into making a go of your business... to stop you thinking 24/7 .. they may all have problems of their own, you don't know about ... so when things get hard ... come on here, talk to us .. don't turn to drink .. 

    There's loads here , you could help as well as be helped .. so many on here just want a vertual hug too .. not quite the same .. but a step to feeling someone cares .. so go on, reach out, help those going through tuff times too .. you may find you get far more then you give here .. 

    Sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie x

  • Hi Jalexmith and welcome to the Cancer Chat Community . 

    I'm really sorry for your loss and to read how difficult the last few months have been but I'm glad you've reached out to us as you'll find many of our members have been on this journey so will understand what you're going through at the moment and I'm sure some of them will offer their support and advice to you soon.

    Coping with grief is tough but there is support out there. Bereavement counselling is one option you could explore as some of our members have found this a real source of strength when working through their grief.

    For those times of the day (or night) when no-one may be around then the Samaritans are available on 116 123. Their phone lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and are really good at letting you get anything and everything off your chest.

    It may be worth booking in with your GP if you can as they will also be able to help you at this tough time.

    It may feel like you're lost at sea at the moment Jalexmith but you are not alone and will find a way through. Sending big virtual hugs and support your way.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    I so feel your Pain. I also lost my husband in June its horrific . 

    Nothing can prepare you for the loneliness and specially in the evenings.

    Im sure if you contact your GP their should be some help out there for your son.

    With Covid it has only added to the situation, and owning your own buisness I cant imagine how hard it must be with all extra stress. 

    After the funeral apart from the odd call or text people leave you to it dont the.

    I feel like my life is over and somehow got to pick myself up and carry on, nightmare.

    take care and keep in touch xxx

    Debbie

  • Offline in reply to AlexMatthew

    Debbie, thank you for replying.  And I'm sorry that you are experiencing the same thing. It is just cruel, isn't it. Sending you my love and hugs, Jane xx

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Steph

    Thank you Steph.  I will get myself booked in.  Your thoughts and suggestions are much appreciated. 

    Jane x

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Hey Chrissie - wow, I feel ashamed of feeling sorry for myself.  You are up against so much, and yet so postive.  I'm hugging back xxx

    Jane x

  • Offline in reply to Jalexmith

    Hi there ...

    I only told you as I wanted you to know we get it on here ... every journey is really heart breaking... but we hold on .. esp when things get too much out in the big world ... and this year seems doubly crule .. 

    You'll always find someone here will hold your hand ... and when we know wer not alone we find a way to get through one more day ...together ...

    I just so scared when someone says a drink helps ... I've seen what it does to those who think it's a cure to dull the pain .. in moderation it is ... but it devistates lives in excess.... it stops the pain in the early days .. but we need to feel and go through grief ... it's part of the process ...

    And those people that let you down, that's their problem, not yours ... your welcome here any time ... put those thoughts down .. it sucks at funerals now ... they even closed the door at my sister's funeral, so we couldn't even listen from outside .. you've got some lovely responses from the amazing people that come on here ... so don't grieve alone ... so you've got lots of vertual hugs here ... 

    I'm sure your hubby is proud of you, and would want you to help his son ... and you know we don't loose them, we just keep them tucked up safely in our hearts now ... you can take him with you ... it will be a really hard year .. but hold on in there ... Chrissie  

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