A warm welcome to Cancer Chat, Sarah and I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to send you our sincere condolences on behalf of the Cancer Chat team. As you say, I am sure your mum knew how much you loved her and there is no doubt that you made her proud. 

We have some useful information on our website which will hopefully help you understand the complex emotions involved in losing a loved one. You can read more about  coping with the grieving process on this page. 

Sadly, countless members of our forum have also lost a parent or a loved one and I am sure they will be along shortly to give you some tips or coping strategies based on their own individual experiences following the loss of a loved one. 

Our forum is always there for you anytime you need to talk. 
Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Sarah,

I'm so sorry for your loss, I understand how heartbreaking it is to lose your mum. I lost my mum on the 4th May 2020, 6 days before my 22nd birthday, so I feel like everything I wanted to experience with my mum in future has been taken away from me. I can't imagine how difficult brain cancer itself must have been to experience, but my mum did have lung cancer which spread to the brain, which was so challenging. I'm sorry to hear you lost your grandma three years ago as well, but perhaps it is comforting to think your mum and grandma are together now. 

It's been nearly three months since I lost my mum and for me it's been a rollercoaster of emotions. I've never had a problem coming to terms with it but there will be moments where I feel angry she's gone or I just need to have a good cry, and I think that's alright. I relate when you say your mum would want you to carry on, but she would know how strong you're being and she'll be proud of you for just getting through each day.  

I've found that speaking to other people who have experienced loss can help, so coming on this forum is a good first step. Just sharing feelings with people who understand and know what to say can be very cathartic process.

I hope this helped in some way. Take care of yourself and just take it one step at a time  ️ X

Hi Lucie, 

Thank you so much for your reply and advice. I have started to look at the links you sent me and I have found them useful. 
The last couple of days have been very tough. 
I am going to take some time out to look after myself and try and make sense of everything. 
Thank you for your kindness

Sarsh x

Hi there Sarah...

Oh my you touched my heart with your thread ... your mum was blessed to have her last journey with you all .. what a wonderful way to go ... and I've always said, it's those who cry the loudest that are o.k ... it's those who hold it inside that truely hurt ... 

Please remember you are half of her, she will live safely in your heart now, and see through your eyes .. I bet shes one proud mummy .... and we do learn to live without them in time, but we never stop missing them ... but then that shows how amazing they were ..and how blessed we were to have had them in our lives ... 

I've felt my wonderful mum close over the years .. like when I was diagnosed with breast cancer... from that day I found white feathers all around, even in my bra ... then the day I was told it was low risk of spread.... they just stopped ... so please if you feel anything or smell her perfume or see a white feather .. just look up and say hi ... though it only seems to happen when we don't look ...

If this cancer takes me one day , I know those I love will miss me, but oh how I'll listen for their laughter .. that's the sound us mum's treasure ... and you carrying on those lessons in life your mum taught you, will make her smile up there ... and like her mum was waiting for her baby, so your mum will wait for you too ...

Sending you a vertual hug.... be kind to yourself ... it's o.k to feel anything ... angry / sad / cuss / or laugh and be happy too .. there's no right  wrong way to grieve ... one day at a time ... Chrissie  

Hi Chrissie, 

Thank you for your kindness and lovely words. I'm so sorry that you have also experienced loss and have also had to fight your own personal battle. 
The strangest thing happened the morning after Mum passed away. I opened the back door and there sat a little white feather. I knew it was a sign. I put it in my desk. 
last night, I sat in the garden with my children and husband and we celebrated their achievements at school/university, as they've both worked so hard, alongside helping to nurse Grandma at night. We wanted to do something nice for them both. My husband told me to look outside the gazebo and there was a lone, beautiful white feather on the lawn. I truly believe it was sent from Mum. 
You are very right that our loved ones watch over us. I've asked for signs throughout Mum's illness and each time something has happened to convince me she was going to be safe with my Grandma. I know everyone has their own beliefs, but I'm quite a spiritual person and take great comfort that Mum has been restored in heaven. 
I know it will take time. I may always long for the day when we are reunited again, but until we are I will focus on my two children and husband and hopefully each day will get a little bit easier. 
I send my good wishes to you and thank you for taking the time to write such comforting words.

Take care 

Sarah x

Hi Gip, 

Thank you for your kind words I am lucky enough to have a month off work for the summer, so I'll find little jobs to do and go out for walks. My job keeps me very busy and I plan on starting my teacher training in the future. Mum would've liked that. 
The days seem very empty at the moment and I miss seeing Mum and texting her every day. We were very close. I am just going to try and get through each day at the moment and take things easy. 
Thank you for taking the time to reply. 
Take care 

Sarah x

Hi Sarah, 

I've taken great comfort in reading your posts and you sound such a lovely warm and kind person.Im so very sorry to read about your dear mum, you really are such a wonderful daughter and can rest assure your mum still continues to be proud of you every day.
My dad has been given a couple of months to live as he's battling kidney cancer and I find reading the posts on the cancer forum gives me strength as I'm connecting with others who have been there too.

I can't imagine life without my dad, he's my world and we too are so close.Im trying to spend as much time with him as I can, making the most of what time he has left but it's so very hard.If you have any more advice or words of wisdom on how you coped please let me know.

Im a teacher too so I'm so very grateful of having this time to focus on my dad and spend time with my two children also.
One thing I wanted to ask was if because of the pandemic, how that effected arrangements for your mums funeral? Im worrying already about how many we will be able to have to celebrate dads life as he has so many friends that that in itself is a concern.
Thank you for listening, thank you for posting what you've done, it's helped me so much.

Saffron.

Hi Saffron,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I am truly sorry to hear what you are going through and my thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time. 

If I can give you one piece of advice, it would be to spend precious time with your Dad and tell him everyday that you love him and remind him how happy he has made you throughout your life. There would be days when I would really struggle, but I always tried to make my Mum laugh. I would cry, but I always stood behind her, or popped out into the garden, as I didn't want to upset her. Her bravery and strength was beyond anything I have ever witnessed.

I never talked to her about the outcome of her illness. She was told in hospital with none of her family around her, which broke my heart more than anything. However, I knew as soon as we got Mum back, everyday I would remind her what a fantastic Mum she was. I looked after Mum at night. This was a peaceful time when I could explain to her that I would help her through the journey that she was on and there was nothing to be afraid of. This would be a really positive thing to do with your Dad and I'm sure would bring him comfort. 

As time moved on, I started to see changes in Mum. As a former auxiliary nurse (many years ago), I had nursed cancer patients and had sat with many as they left this world. I knew what signs to look for.

In the final two weeks, Mum's appetite changed and she was talking less, but I still continued to chat to her and tell her all the children's news. It is important to know that your loved ones can hear everything that you say, so always talk to them. It brings great comfort.

I wish I could take the pain away for you, as I know what you are facing. I was with my Mum at the very end of her life and I held her hand. I understand it's not something that everyone can do, but it really helped me and I felt it to be a great privilage. 

I dealt with organising for Mum to be taken to the chapel of rest. It was difficult, as she passed away at home. I found everyone to be incredibly kind and understanding. The day after the Mum passed away, I began to organise the funeral. I won't beat around the bush, it was the toughest thing I've ever had to do. 

You asked about funeral arrangements in these difficult times. On the night Mum passed, the undertakers gave me a booklet regarding arrangments in the county where I live. I found it to be incredibly helpful. As lockdown restrictions had eased, I was able to book the small chapel at my local cemetery and I contacted a celebrant to carry out Mum's funeral. She was amazing! Nothing was too much trouble and we worked together to ensure Mum's day would be perfect. We were only allowed 14 attendees and we had to abide by health and safety measures (wearing face masks in the chapel), but I can honestly say it was perfect and very intimate. I decorated the chapel with red roses and a photo of my Mum, showing her beautiful smile and blue eyes. This was important to me, as I wanted her grandchildren to remember how she was. The sun shone and everyone said it was lovely.

The road ahead will be tough at times, but try and focus on the here and now and talk about lovely memories with your Dad. He will enjoy recollecting and you will be surprised how many things you will learn. Make this time precious, but also make time for you and your children. You must look after yourself. We all do things differently and react in our own way to situations. There is no right or wrong way. There will be days when you feel overwhelmed and days when you will find strength you didn't know you possessed. 

I hope this has been of help to you. I truly feel your pain. Sending you a hug and here if you need a chat. 

Sarah xx

Hi sarah, 

sorry for your loss. I lost my mum last week, 28/07/20, she was just 73 on 24/07/20. She had leukaemia, and had spent 6 months as an inpatient on a chemo trial which we found hadn't worked right at the end, she then tried another palliative chemotherapy which made her very unwell, she decided to stop treatment as she had enough and I understood her decision. I have just been looking through my texts to my mum, laughing and crying at some of the things we said to each other. I am a nurse and I had to go back to work as she picked up, and my sister was able to care for her, but I was with her in her final days, and she was perfectly lucid up until the last day. I was able to hold her hand and stroke her hair and tell her how much I love her. I told her to go to her mum (my nanny) and she died shortly after. It's been a long year since her diagnosis, and she was tired, so this gives me some comfort to think she is better off out of the pain and frustration she felt as she was normally so independent. I will love her forever, and you should take as long as you need off, only you can judge that. I will probably go back to work quite soon as mum said she wanted me to get on with my life, but if I start to break down at work I will go off sick. Just be kind to yourself. It's so hard to watch your mum die, but we know we did the nicest thing for our lovely mums. I think we were lucky they were at home surrounded by the people they love. Sorry it's so long but im unable to sleep, probably because I napped earlier on the day! 
take care 

Alison x