That was actually the "nice" version. I left out the bits that I can't even bear to think about let alone say out loud. I told one of only friends afterwards that I don't think I could even imagine a worse way to die. It was truly horrific and has left me with what seem like PTSD symptoms. WHen you have that many lesions in your brain, it causes utter devastation.

But that's not actually what's causing me most grief right now. Rather, like you (I think), I feel as if my heart and soul have been taken from me. Forever. My dad was my world. He wasn't a "part of me" as some people have suggested. He WAS me. And I was him. I know that sounds odd (and my friend who I sometimes speak to couldn't understand it). But I didn't distinguish between him and me. We weren't separate entities. We were one being. He was my soul, my sunshine, my other (and better) half. He was the hope and laughter. I really don't want to live without him. Every day the consciousness that I can never be with him again hits home and destroys me. I don't CARE about anything else, without him. I just want to cuddle him again and tell him I adore him. I know I sound like a child, but he was my meaning. The gulf betweeen him and everyone and everything else in the universe is enormous. He meant more to me than my own life.

It's a worrying thought that. I don't think it's right or normal or healthy for me (or anyone) to pin everything on one person, like that. But what can I say? He was the most remarkable human I have ever come across. He gave the world meaning. And the only thing I want is to be with him again.

Oh, and I feel as you do - most people DON'T get it. In fact, I've felt that NOBODY gets it, except for perhaps people here.

I am really sorry to hear about your dad Sandra. Your dad sounds like mine in not letting the disease stop him from living. It must have been horrendous to lose him. I think you're right that it happened quickly (2 weeks). Sadly, my father's TORTURE went on for months. As I said in my previous post a moment ago, it couldn't have been any worse. If the devil himself had wanted to devise a more torturous way to die, he wouldn't have succeeded. Brain lesions are the worst, in my view, because your brain is everything - it controls your feelings, emotions, thoughts, speech, memories, movements, behaviour. Everything. Each one was taken away from my dad. One at a time. Slowly enough to be excruciating. But not slowly enough to allow him (or me) any respite. Even just writing these words is bringing back the pain, so I'll have to stop dredging up those memories.

It sounds like you have a lot more strength and hope and ability to live than I do. I relied far too much on my dad. He was my favourite thing in the universe.

Cancer is horrific in it's many forms and your poor dad sounds like he suffered tremendously but, if you can - and please, even though it seems impossible - please take some comfort that he is not suffering any longer.  

Your love for your dad is so strong and it can remain so.  Your dad would not want you torturing yourself with the images of his horrendous last months and weeks, he would want you to remember the happy times and it is these, eventually, that will get you through this and out of the deep black hole of debilitating grief and despair. 

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but this thought came to me just after I lost my dad and on the realisation that for the first time in my life, I no longer had parents.  This is the way it's meant to be.  Your parents are supposed to pass before us.  It's the circle of life. I agree, we don't get long enough time here and who knows for certain what's on the other side but I do believe that our loved ones never leave us. 

Pay tribute to your dad by surviving this awful time.

Sending strength to you x

Thank you Sandra. Yes, I'm trying to remind myself that it's natural, normal and inevitable to lose one's parents. One of my problems has been that I've attached myself to them too much and not branched out and made meaningful relationships with others. My dad was (and is) everything to me - my hope, my laughter, my MEANING in life. That's what it is - he stood for everything. He was everything that's good about life. 

Some people seem to be able to deal with the passing of their parents better than others. I always suspected (or rather KNEW) that I would not be one of them. 

Anyway, thanks for your support and have a nice weekend

Hi adam we have spoken before some months ago sucks dosnt it .i wonder how your poor mums getting on she will be suffering the most hope your supporting her may take your pain away a bit doing that . Loosing a parant real realy hurts but loosing a husband or wife i can tell you did you is the pits did you get any   any counciling certainly sounds like you need it you may have had a bit of a breakdown with the stress of it all ime not a dr or anything but ive lost both parants the love of my life and a grandson so i know how it is we tend to grieve for ourselves the we grieve for our loved ones  its hard i know but it does get easier . But your poor mum this she will never get over it my best wishs p

Hi Paulus - it's tough for my mum of course. Awful, in fact. However, she wasn't anywhere near as close to my dad as I was. He wasn't her soulmate the way he was mine. She's actually picked herself up very well and is managing to get on with things in a way that I have not been able to emulate. You might have expected the reverse - the spouse (who's spent most of her adult life with the man) should be the one who finds it "impossible" to get over, who no longer sees any purpose in life etc. But that's not how it is. My mother's attitude (which is the right one) is: "We should now make the most of OUR lives." I admire her tremendously. I only wish I had the same interest in life. Right now, I don't.

By the way, don't think for one minute that I'm assuming everything is rosy in her world. It isn't. She has her low moments. She misses my dad. She has regrets. But overall she's getting on with things in a way that I have not been able to do (so far).

Well shakespear said the worlds a stage and all the the people are actors we all put on acts maybe your mum is anyway maybe a bit of counciling might help you it did me ime a tough bloke if you knew what ive been therough this last year ime sure you would agree but you would never know it if you met me .youl get through it all with you being so close to your dad it may take a lot longer buts theres lots of help out there for you just need to ask a trip to gp maybe show him your post from here ime sure he will help ive put posts on to otheres about life and death is not the end theres a huge post on here sarapine8 put on theres many put there experiances on have a read it may give you some comfort you will know if you where so close to your dad ime sure he would want you to get on with your life ime a dad and grandad thats what i would want ok maybe a bit of sadness but not what your going through best wishs paul

I wish you all the best on your journey too

Hello Adam (AKA Bras 1548), judging from everything you said, I know that your dad was one in a million (like mine)! I lost my dad to lung cancer 3 years ago. Like yours, my dad was my everything. Ever since I was a litte girl, I was afraid to lose him and I would cry at the thought of it. I remember he worked a blue-collar job just to support my mom and 3 kids. I also remember when he bought me a prom dress that he could barely afford. I can go on forever talking about all of the sacrifices that he made. For about the first 2 years after his passing, I felt like a lost soul or a leaf blowing in the wind without any direction. I also felt like you in many ways. I couldn't imagine life without him. I am 37 years old and still single with no kids because I also felt/ feel like you as far as not having interest in meeting anyone or starting a family. I actually ended a 14 year relationship shortly after my dad passed because when we lose a parent, our life tends to fall apart before it starts to get better. I feel like although our dads are no longer in the physical world, they are still working on us and helping us put things into perspective from the other side. I know you mentioned that nothing cliché seems to help such as "what would your dad want for you" or "things will get better in time". TRUST ME when I say that I know the pain you are feeling. My pain was so intense that my chest would hurt. It felt as though my heart was literally breaking but I still have my 77 year old mom and young nephews to look after. Suddenly and unexpectedly, I met someone who lost both of his parents before the age of 18 then I realized how fortunate I was to have my dad for 34 years as it could've been worse. I had moved over 1,100 miles away from my home state where I had lived the majority of my life. I knew no one nor did I have any memories of my dad there so the change of scenery somewhat helped. It's amazing what can happen when you're out of your comfort zone. I was offered the best job I had ever had without having applied for it. They paid for me to go back to school and earn my master's degree. I was then able to afford to build a house. My point is that I feel my dad is opening doors for me from the other side. I know that you don't see it right now but your dad will start opening doors for you too. Also, rather than thinking about how much time you have left on this earth without him, look at this way... every day that passes is a day closer to seeing him again but until then live as best as you can and make him proud. Don't  take any BS from anyone and be the person your dad intended for you to be. Live by the lifelong values that he instilled in you (for he will live through you). God bless you and your family... until you meet again. Your dad is dancing in the Lord's glory, Amen and Hallelujah!

Hi rebvelaz83,

Thanks for taking the time to write your message. I'm very glad to hear that your life has started to take a turn for the better. I can certainly imagine the benefits of being able to start afresh somewhere new with little or nothing to remind you of the loss. I have thought about moving abroad myself too. However, my job is here and my mother (who has had a cancer scare of her own) is also here, so I don't feel I can leave just yet.

The depth of the pain I feel (when I remember the suffering my father endured, or reflect on the fact that I can't be with him again) is utterly overwhelming. The only thing I can think of that would make it better is being with him again - wrapping my arms around him and holding him. I've never loved or been loved by anybody like that. And it won't - it can't - happen again. 

I don't have my father's zest for life, or his enthusiasm for meeting people. I have nothing in me now. No desire, no hopes for the future, no interest in building a family of my own.

Everything you say seems absolutely right to me. I just don't have any interest in life without my dad.