I normally dont ever comment on things like this, I lost my daddy in December last year. He had the all clear from cancer two weeks previous. We thought things were looking up. He we went to a+e with a sore back and they admitted him. The next day we went to visit him and he asked me for help and a few minutes later died in front of me. They weren't sure what caused his death but some had suggested that the cancer had returned.. it was completely devastating. My whole body was in shock and for weeks afterwards my entire body was in pain. I had no will to live.. my daddy was truly the light of my life. We were so close. I was the definition of a daddy's girls. I cry almost every day, sometimes more than once, Songs on the radio set me off, sometimes things on the tv set me, if anyone mentions him I just burst into tears. Sometimes I will just be sitting there and I burst into tears, then I ride the wave from grief to anger and then back to grief. What makes me sad the most is when people say, think of all the lovely memories you have.. yes that's great. But I was only 29 think of the memories we should be making. He was only 60. I get cross when people say, your father would love you to do this or that or he wouldn't want you to be sad .. no my father would want me to do what makes me happy only now my greatest support just isn't there to share and celebrate any success. Yes though it is true, my daddy wouldn't want me to be sad.  He always said, dont worry about me, look after yourself but the fact is I am sad. I'm going to be sad and I hope in the future I'm not, but for now I am. Thats ok. I just take each day as comes, I'm not looking ahead atm. I'm just looking for the peace, clam and the one half of identity I am  now missing. I dont really sleep very well. I often find night time the hardest. I miss hearing the tv that we argued about being too loud all the time or the same songs on repeat on YouTube especially at bed time. Everyone I suppose deals differently. The circle of life cant be stopped for any of us unfortunately. My personal belief is that we will meet again someday. But I have resigned to the fact that i intend to do as much as possible so that when we do meet we will continue all those wonderful stories of life, success and failure. Then once more we will laugh and we will cry together. For now tho, I havent got a plan. I dont know what I'm doing, not quite sure how I'm getting through each day. Im stuck on pause for now. Perhaps life has paused to let me be me for better or worse and to understand the prospects of life and that once I start that it's a solo mission.. but I know that for now I'm not ready, I dont know when I'll be ready. I hope if you've made it this far you know that your not on your own. I hope by sharing my story that you feel a bit better or not so alone.. when a bird isn't ready to fly it doesnt mean its wings are broke, it just need to believe in one self. Like a birds wings your instinct will get you through. I will always miss my daddy, some say grief is purest sign of love. But as much as I miss and love him more than ever, I have also never been as proud of him! Just because I cant see him doesnt mean hes not my daddy and I suppose in his death I have realised the true impact he had on my life and how lucky I was and am that hes my dad. He would say, arent we so lucky to have lost someone that made saying goodbye so hard. That I certainly was like many others grieving for loved ones.

As I read your response, I experienced what I was hoping to experience - the sense that others are also experiencing something like the DESPAIR that I'm experiencing. However, in another way I did not like hearing your description at all. Nobody should have to go through that. Nobody. I wish I could rewind time and take that experience OUT of your life.

I can't actually describe what happened to my father at the end because it's too awful for words. it was like a prolonged scene from the Exorcist. His cancer was under control, apparently, and then the next minute the idiot oncologists tell us that he has 30 brain lesions. Not one. Not 2. Not 5. 30. There are medical studies where the entire cohort of patients doesn't have 30 lesions combined. 1 brain lesion is bad enough and normally starts to wreak havoc on people''s mental and physical functioning. 30 tears a person apart. Bit by bit. He went from being the happiest human I have ever known to the most miserable and wretched I could ever imagine. I have never seen pain and suffering like that. Everything was taken from him and there was nothing we could do. Each week things got worse. He'd lose something new. He howled and screamed in emotional agony and spiritual torment - there was nothing I could do. I would have died for him. In the end it got so horrific that I cannot even describe it. The scenes were like scenes from the Exorcist, as I say. It's the sort of thing that has always made me an atheist. No God would allow anything like that.

I envy your faith. I wish I could believe (like you) that I'll see my dad again. Sadly, he and I were both atheists with no faith in an afterlife. Obviously I wish this were the Lion King where I'm Simba and I get to speak to hear from Mufasa in the clouds from time to time. However, the reality for me now is that I just have horror, terror and despair. IT's quite similar to what you describe I think. 

I DO talk to him throughout the day, but it's just through sobbing and screaming and desparation. I think about him approximately every 20 minutes. But it's normally quick and superficial because I can't bear any more. I can't look at any photos AT ALL. I haven't read any of his emails or texts for months. I can't allow myself to think about, see or hear ANYTHING to do with him for more than a few seconds. It causes HORROR, if I do. Utter horror. I sense complete and total collapse.

I realise that my problem is that I put all my eggs in one basket - my father. He was the be-all-and-end-all for me. If you have a large family, your own wife/husband, kids, close relatives, close friends, then maybe you can get through it. But how do you get through it when your dad was your WORLD? 

I realise I'm "supposed" to carry on. But I'm just not interested in the world or in life or in people. Ten seconds of conversation with another person will just remind me of my dad and since nobody will ever be like him in my heart, I don't see any point. 

Quite frankly, I see no meaning in life without my dad. When he went, so did life's meaning and purpose

I hope you didn't feel as if you had to share your experience I didn't intend that, but it was a difficult read. I agree that it's hard to believe that if there is a god then how could they let someone suffer so much. It doesnt seem right or fair. I am not particularly of faith myself, I choose to believe I will see him again. I dont have answers why someone has to suffer. I just know that having to watch someone you love in pain is the hardest thing in the world and there is no word that can describe that emotional turmoil enough to others. I suppose in a way like you I'm still trying to work out the answer of how to live and live with the pain and gaint missing piece in your life. I do struggle every day. I dont have a big family, I have no kids. I spent most days with my dad. I just loved his company. I cant watch some tv programmes because hes not there to watch them. Sometimes I boil the kettle and then dont make the tea because what's the point hes not there to help me eat the biscuits. It's just hard. I hate it.

On one hand, I do believe it is good to express emotions, if you have cry then cry or scream and shout. Whatever it takes as often as it takes. I feel sometimes most people dont get it. Then I remember I actually dont care what they think. I will do me. 

I also dont think that you had a problem, you put your eggs where you want. I think you loved and adored a man that had shoes that no one else can fill or even come close. That is pure devotion and that is rare and something like that should be treasured. Unfortunately there is no replacements that will ever come close. I dont have answer for how do you get through without him. Im sorry about that  I wish I did for you and me both. I know people suggest counselling and say it gets easier but that's not really an answer or direction. I know for some it helps. As for myself, my own compass is broke and I dont know how to move forward or which way to go and it hasnt got easier. I just know, that each day I get up and I try again. 

I think it's completely up to you when you decide to carry on, there is no going back to the norm where they arent there anymore, so take aslong as you need. Theres no time limit on this,  just because others think or feel differenty about grief and despair. I dont believe people should do things that make them uncomfortable. If you dont want to talk today thats ok if that's what you want. I personally find it very difficult talking to other because I know they will say something and I'll be upset. So there are times when i avoid conversation. I dont feel bad about it. I'm just trying to protect myself in a way I suppose. But you are 100% right there will never be anyone like him. There will never be that bond with any other human being on this planet because he was yours and nobody elses.

I think for everyone the meaning if life or purpose is different. I dont really know what the meaning of life, or what the point of life actually is if I'm honest. I dont know why am I here or what exactly I'm supposed to do while I'm here. I actually dont think about it because again theres no true answer. I dont understand why we live and just die? We experience ups and downs and everything inbetween and for every person the journey is different. I think the scariest thing is feeling alone in a world were theres 9 billion people? How is that possible but at the same time it is and it's real and it's the now! We love unconditionally to be rewarded with heart break and sadness. Why?  It just doesn't make sense to me anyways. I dont know if I will ever stop crying or ever feel like I've moved on. Part of me doesnt want to because I feel like in doing so I've moved further away from my dad. Maybe I'll always experience this pain as if it was just yesterday I lost him all over again. I dont know. I just know I miss him, i constantly feel that i need him and want to hear him, I want the advice he would give or the silly jokes. The reality is hard to face. He was my best friend and father and everything I needed rolled into one perfect human being in my eyes. He will always be that to me.

I really hope you find some comfort in your life. When I read your original post I feel that I wasnt so alone and i thought that you have inspired me to open up and for me thats very brave. I just want to say thanks. I'm glad I found your post.

Hi Adam, I have been reading your posts and can feel your pain at the loss of your beloved dad.  I too, lost my strong, funny, kind and loving dad on 8 June and said a final farewell to him yesterday.  My dad was 82 but this doesn’t stop it hurting any the less.  

My dad lived his life to the full and never let the disease define him since his diagnosis last September.  He could not sit around doing nothing and was often in the garden and greenhouse in his care home, planting his beloved marigolds and pulling up weeds.  He even went AWOL a few weeks ago, deep in the middle of lockdown and just decided to go for a walk to the Co-op and Wickes next door.  I would not have had him any other way and I am immensely proud of the way he handled his cancer.  We were very lucky that dad deteriorated very quickly really and did not suffer massively with lots of pain, only in the last two weeks.   Myself and my brother were ‘allowed’ to see him on the Saturday before he died and he had lost an extraordinary amount of weight.  It was heartbreaking to see what had become of him from a fit, muscular man to just skin and bones.  Just awful. 

I also lost my mum to this evil disease in February 2017 and her death was horrific.  She fought to the very end with everything she had, screaming in pain even though she had a syringe driver, and it was not until the last moments that she found peace.  The image of her fighting and scared haunted me every time I closed my eyes but, I promise you, this does fade in time.  You never forget and you can always conjure the images back up but, somehow, you just learn to live with it.  My mum and I used to speak every day and when she was first diagnosed I could not imagine not being able to do this but the human psyche is a wonderful thing and I truly hope you can find the strength to see this through.

The memory of your dad passing is so very hard for you and I know you have heard this before and I know you don’t want to hear it again, but your dad loved you as much as you loved him and there is no way he would want you to torture yourself and feel such despair.

Your life is not over, you are only 35, you have your mum who must be needing comfort too.  Be kind to yourself and turn the awful loss into a new start for you.

I don’t know what your beliefs are with regard to the afterlife - I am not religious and my dad wasn’t either, indeed, he always said that “when you’re gone, you’re gone”, but I have always been fascinated by the spirit world.  I was recommended to a medium called Debra Chalmers and I contacted her following a strange occurrence that happened after we had collected dad’s belongings from the care home when a car was coming towards us with the registration DAD.  Debra telephoned me and said that dad was there with mum she described them both perfectly and I did feel some peace.  The abiding message was that your loved ones never leave you, they are always there, guiding you.  That gave me some comfort and I hope you can take comfort from this too.

Take Care.

Sandra x

That was actually the "nice" version. I left out the bits that I can't even bear to think about let alone say out loud. I told one of only friends afterwards that I don't think I could even imagine a worse way to die. It was truly horrific and has left me with what seem like PTSD symptoms. WHen you have that many lesions in your brain, it causes utter devastation.

But that's not actually what's causing me most grief right now. Rather, like you (I think), I feel as if my heart and soul have been taken from me. Forever. My dad was my world. He wasn't a "part of me" as some people have suggested. He WAS me. And I was him. I know that sounds odd (and my friend who I sometimes speak to couldn't understand it). But I didn't distinguish between him and me. We weren't separate entities. We were one being. He was my soul, my sunshine, my other (and better) half. He was the hope and laughter. I really don't want to live without him. Every day the consciousness that I can never be with him again hits home and destroys me. I don't CARE about anything else, without him. I just want to cuddle him again and tell him I adore him. I know I sound like a child, but he was my meaning. The gulf betweeen him and everyone and everything else in the universe is enormous. He meant more to me than my own life.

It's a worrying thought that. I don't think it's right or normal or healthy for me (or anyone) to pin everything on one person, like that. But what can I say? He was the most remarkable human I have ever come across. He gave the world meaning. And the only thing I want is to be with him again.

Oh, and I feel as you do - most people DON'T get it. In fact, I've felt that NOBODY gets it, except for perhaps people here.

I am really sorry to hear about your dad Sandra. Your dad sounds like mine in not letting the disease stop him from living. It must have been horrendous to lose him. I think you're right that it happened quickly (2 weeks). Sadly, my father's TORTURE went on for months. As I said in my previous post a moment ago, it couldn't have been any worse. If the devil himself had wanted to devise a more torturous way to die, he wouldn't have succeeded. Brain lesions are the worst, in my view, because your brain is everything - it controls your feelings, emotions, thoughts, speech, memories, movements, behaviour. Everything. Each one was taken away from my dad. One at a time. Slowly enough to be excruciating. But not slowly enough to allow him (or me) any respite. Even just writing these words is bringing back the pain, so I'll have to stop dredging up those memories.

It sounds like you have a lot more strength and hope and ability to live than I do. I relied far too much on my dad. He was my favourite thing in the universe.

Cancer is horrific in it's many forms and your poor dad sounds like he suffered tremendously but, if you can - and please, even though it seems impossible - please take some comfort that he is not suffering any longer.  

Your love for your dad is so strong and it can remain so.  Your dad would not want you torturing yourself with the images of his horrendous last months and weeks, he would want you to remember the happy times and it is these, eventually, that will get you through this and out of the deep black hole of debilitating grief and despair. 

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but this thought came to me just after I lost my dad and on the realisation that for the first time in my life, I no longer had parents.  This is the way it's meant to be.  Your parents are supposed to pass before us.  It's the circle of life. I agree, we don't get long enough time here and who knows for certain what's on the other side but I do believe that our loved ones never leave us. 

Pay tribute to your dad by surviving this awful time.

Sending strength to you x

Thank you Sandra. Yes, I'm trying to remind myself that it's natural, normal and inevitable to lose one's parents. One of my problems has been that I've attached myself to them too much and not branched out and made meaningful relationships with others. My dad was (and is) everything to me - my hope, my laughter, my MEANING in life. That's what it is - he stood for everything. He was everything that's good about life. 

Some people seem to be able to deal with the passing of their parents better than others. I always suspected (or rather KNEW) that I would not be one of them. 

Anyway, thanks for your support and have a nice weekend

Thank you Sandra. Yes, I'm trying to remind myself that it's natural, normal and inevitable to lose one's parents. One of my problems has been that I've attached myself to them too much and not branched out and made meaningful relationships with others. My dad was (and is) everything to me - my hope, my laughter, my MEANING in life. That's what it is - he stood for everything. He was everything that's good about life. 

Some people seem to be able to deal with the passing of their parents better than others. I always suspected (or rather KNEW) that I would not be one of them. 

Anyway, thanks for your support and have a nice weekend