Well I know how you feel. Lost my Dad suddenly 22.4.19...let's say my enthusiasm to succeed in life has left me despite trying so hard. Sometimes Dads love you so much that nobody will ever love you like that again and its a hard feeling to deal with. I have 2 children, a lovely husband, a business that opened 1 month before covid so you have to keep fighting for your family...but deep down inside all I want is my Dad. Yes, he was my oxygen too and if you find a way to get your spark back let me know how. Instead I sit in silence because I hear people saying in my head " well I've lost my dad too, or isn't it time she stopped going on about her Dad...".....he was my best friend and I physically feel an ache in my heart for him...its a tough road pretending to be ok. Being by the ocean gives me some peace and watching the waves..its something. 

Like you Mbagpuss, nature (ocean, mountains, countryside) gives me some peace. And music (although I can't listen to anything linked to my father, which is about 95% of the music I love). You write: "sometimes Dads love you so much that nobody will ever love you like that again and it's a hard feeling to deal with." Indeed. My father adored me in a way that nobody ever will. I adored him in a way that I will never adore anyone else. One of my friends objects and says: "If you have a child, you may love him/her even more." I don't deny that if I ever had a child I would love that child immensely. I would. But (a) I have no interest whatsoever in having my own family/children, and (b) I will never have with a child (or anyone else) the love I had with my father. Everything I've ever valued in life has its roots in my father.

You talk about getting the "spark back." I lost that long ago. Probably when my father was first diagnosed (5 years ago). I've felt for some time now that it may be gone forever. My father basically WAS my spark. He ignited all my hopes and dreams. Without him, it's all pointless.

Like you Mbagpuss, nature (ocean, mountains, countryside) gives me some peace. And music (although I can't listen to anything linked to my father, which is about 95% of the music I love). You write: "sometimes Dads love you so much that nobody will ever love you like that again and it's a hard feeling to deal with." Indeed. My father adored me in a way that nobody ever will. I adored him in a way that I will never adore anyone else. One of my friends objects and says: "If you have a child, you may love him/her even more." I don't deny that if I ever had a child I would love that child immensely. I would. But (a) I have no interest whatsoever in having my own family/children, and (b) I will never have with a child (or anyone else) the love I had with my father. Everything I've ever valued in life has its roots in my father.

You talk about getting the "spark back." I lost that long ago. Probably when my father was first diagnosed (5 years ago). I've felt for some time now that it may be gone forever. My father basically WAS my spark. He ignited all my hopes and dreams. Without him, it's all pointless.

bras1548,

It made me teary reading your message because I understand what you are feeling and distractions can help in some way making days easier. Even with all my family, who love me, it was hard last year to care about their feelings especially in how I was acting and how they worried,  I was just numb. My Dad, like your Dad, had this hold on me I cannot explain. When that one person was your go to for everything in life, your life mentor, your friend,  your hug, your security....what do you do?

Many times I have to tell myself off, just as my Dad would "pull yourself together Tracey, we will all be gone one day, this is our journey and every human being and animal has to go through it"..I guess its how we deal with it thats important. I have to remember how prescious life is and what would my Dad want me doing right now, feeling this way. He would tell me to pull myself together and each day I have choices. I can choose to do do or be anyone I want because I'm  alive and thats what he would tell me. He would be disappointed that I would feel so sad every day and explain to me, he too had to go on when he lost his parents. 

Girls have a connection with their Dads, genetically we are them in many ways, we carry their behaviours and mannerisms and say things just as they would.  

I'm going to take up surfing, I'm going to start doing things I never thought I could do and maybe you could try that too. 

I have dogs, 3, the naughty ones distract me and it makes get out every day and walk. Try something new...it helps, every little bit helps. Your Dad would want you to I'm  sure.

Hi Mbgagpuss,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I understand the idea or the principle of 'getting on my my life.' And like you, I know that my father would indeed want me to live it to the max. But when everything I do from now on is without him, I don't really care about doing it. There is one thing and one thing only that I want - to wrap my arms around my father and cuddle him and never let go. I want to hold his hand and tell him how much I adore him. I couldn't care less about meeting other people. They're not my dad. I used to love reading novels, but they are completely empty now without my dad. I used to love listening to classical music and jazz. I don't listen to either now because they are tied up with my dad. Everything I love can be traced back to my dad. My counsellor said that it sounded like I had "lost part of myself" when I lost my father. He was wrong. I lost half of myself, or two thirds of myself, or, more accurately still, all of world that matters. The world has no meaning for me without my dad. There is no world for me without my dad. Unless I can be with him at the end of a day, unless I can cuddle him, or share something with him, or hold his hand, or listen to music with him, or feel his love, or see him smile when he feels mine it's all meaningless.

It would be manageable if I could communicate with my dad from time to time (like Simba and Mufasa do in the Lion King). He was and is more to me than everything else in the universe combined.