hi

i lost my dad last may absolute shock we didnt even know he had a any form of cancer whatsoever , he had a sudden twitch in his hand and face so we thought maybe he had had a slight stroke rushed him in done ct scan etc  nope nothing sent him home with high doseage of asperin thats was the 10th december 2018 on the 12 dec he was sick so rushed him back in had mri scan we had news that he had lesions on the brain then found out they were too deep to operate on had radiotherapy then what happened next was they had multiplied , what we then found was my dad had had a primary cancer which had dissapeared but had metastisized to his brain again something  we didnt even know he had he was so fit and healthy within 5 months he was gone , i was my dads girl im 54 but never too old . my world has completly shattered even now 19 months on im still the same mess 

we didnt have time to process the devastating news as my dad was failing in front of our eyes week by week its life changing i will never get over it nor will i ever accept it its as raw today as it was then it feels no different im just broken . my dad was my evrything i miss him more than life itself . i have have so many happy memories and had a wonderful childhood i have 2 sons grown up and 4 granddaughters one of who he never got to meet that rips my heart out too . its the worst experience of my life and the fact ill never ever see him again or speak to him i just cant get my head around and im struggling with it because all i want to do is be able to talk to him and see him . at this moment in time im stuck in disbeleif and have not moved forward like people say  you should . there was even a point i just wanted to be with my dad 

sorry its so long a message 

sharon 

hi

i lost my dad last may absolute shock we didnt even know he had a any form of cancer whatsoever , he had a sudden twitch in his hand and face so we thought maybe he had had a slight stroke rushed him in done ct scan etc  nope nothing sent him home with high doseage of asperin thats was the 10th december 2018 on the 12 dec he was sick so rushed him back in had mri scan we had news that he had lesions on the brain then found out they were too deep to operate on had radiotherapy then what happened next was they had multiplied , what we then found was my dad had had a primary cancer which had dissapeared but had metastisized to his brain again something  we didnt even know he had he was so fit and healthy within 5 months he was gone , i was my dads girl im 54 but never too old . my world has completly shattered even now 19 months on im still the same mess 

we didnt have time to process the devastating news as my dad was failing in front of our eyes week by week its life changing i will never get over it nor will i ever accept it its as raw today as it was then it feels no different im just broken . my dad was my evrything i miss him more than life itself . i have have so many happy memories and had a wonderful childhood i have 2 sons grown up and 4 granddaughters one of who he never got to meet that rips my heart out too . its the worst experience of my life and the fact ill never ever see him again or speak to him i just cant get my head around and im struggling with it because all i want to do is be able to talk to him and see him . at this moment in time im stuck in disbeleif and have not moved forward like people say  you should . there was even a point i just wanted to be with my dad 

sorry its so long a message 

sharon 

"my dad was my evrything i miss him more than life itself" - Yep. I loved my dad more than life itself. When he was dying I wanted to go with him. I would happily have died too if I could have stayed with my dad. I'd rather lose my life than be separated from my dad.

My dad always wanted to see grandchildren. I didn't provide him with any (that he will see). I will live with that regret and pain forever too.

"at this moment in time im stuck in disbeleif and have not moved forward like people say  you should" - Recently I have come to believe I may never move forward. I don't even really want to. I want to go back (not forward) and be with my dad again. I couldn't care less about anything else in life (a sign of depression, I know). All meaning in life was wrapped up with my dad. It's not healthy. Ideally I should have made other relationships with other people, e.g. had a wife and my own children, perhaps some siblings (I have none). But for me my dad was the be-all-and-end-all.

I don't (yet) feel suicidal. But I have no interest in life. I also find it appalling that they have STILL not found a way to deal with cancer. You shouldn't have had to experience what you did. Nobody in this forum should have to experience what we experience. My mother lost her mother when she (my mother) was 60 years hold. Her mother (my grandmother) died "naturally," essentially of old age, when she was 90. She (my grandmother) got to see and do everything she wanted in life. She had children and grandchildren, etc. She was ready to go. That's the way people "should" die, in my view. Not horrifically, before their time, in a way that scars their loved ones forever.

I hope you find the strength I don't have, Sharon. Wishing you all the best