Tell me about it. I don't understand how anyone manages. Wishing you more strength than I have.

Yes, I know how you feel. My dad passed away 3 months ago from terminal brain cancer. It was said he'd have 2 years and that ruined me but I kept strong and positive for him to make sure he always had plenty of fun, cakes and wine. But then he suddenly passed away while having lunch one afternoon, he didn't even make it to 3 months after the diagnosis. 
 

When he passed I attempted to kill myself but I realised afterwards how stupid I was for doing that. My dad loved life and fought so hard to survive. Yet I, a healthy young person tried to take my own life. It is not fair. I wish I could have swapped places with him. He brought more to this world than I ever could. His funeral covered the whole town, hundreds of people.

Thank you for posting TeresaLoves. I have also wondered whether I would want to end my own life, just to eliminate the pain of being aware that the love of my life is gone. I haven't tried to kill myself but there are certainly moments when I think that the only way to deal with the horror of the loss is to be unconscious myself. Like you, though, I've also thought that killing myself would be the wrong thing to do. 

Funnily enough, I also, again like you, wished I could swap places with my dad, or at least to go with him. When he was dying I wanted to die with him. Since he's my other half, being separated from him is being separated from myself, my BETTER self.

I am also angry because all this talk of "winning the war against cancer" is ********. In cases like my father's (and it seems your father's) we're not "winning" anything.

Anyway, I hope you are finding some strength TeresaLoves. There are times when I feel I'm on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown and will end up needing to go into a mental health ward. I scream and shout and cry and feel so lost and desperate. And there's only one person I can think of who could make it better - my dad.

Hi Bras, 

Its been a while since i've posted on here. It'll be 6 months on the 9th of this month since my Dad passed away. I wondered how you was getting on because its was about 5 months ago since I was last here. 

As for me, well I been trying to get on and feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoudlers, not only because Dad's gone, but because there was so much to sort out in the meantime. For some reason life decided to throw lots of challenges as soon as he died - i feel like it was a test of my metal. 

When Dad was ill, i recorded lots of audio recordings of him and me chatting. I am sat here tonight listening to a lot of those recordings and its bittersweet. It gives me great comfort and im so happy I did record him, however it makes me miss him even more and makes me very sad -  I just cannot believe he doesn't exisit anymore!?  For the brief moments I play the recordings, he is here with me, he is alive,  we are together in coversation. But he isn't physically here and it cuts so deep when I walk around thinking about it. 

I hope you are ok, you're definitely not alone...

Hi Peacewind,

Thanks for your message. I am not doing well. Like you, I recorded a few video/audio clips with my father before he passed away. However, I have daily regret that I didn't record more and didn't film when he was actually WELL and could communicate properly. Also, unlike you, I can't even bear to watch/listen to the ones I have. I an certainly imagine the bitterswet feelings you have as you watch/listen. I can't bring myself to experience those feelings. I feel as if I am going to have a mental breakdown whenever I get the feeling (which your feeling sounds like) that my father is there-but-not-actually-there. 

My only coping mechanism is complete avoidance. I can't look at photos of my dad. I DEFINITELY can't watch videos or hear audios. I actually don't know if I can put up with the situation as it is - awareness that my angel and the love of my life is gone.

I am not interested in life without my dad. 

I feel the exact same way I lost my dad in October he was everything to me he was so positive about comming home and having a life after his surgery and treatment but we never got that far I feel so guilty I never got him back home befor he passed I cry every day cause I miss him so much and I can't cope without him now I'm always here to talk if you want to feel free to message me I know what you are going through it's the worst pain iv ever felt in my life 

I am literally going through the same thing, dear. I too feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown and could just use a day with my dad to get me through. But you will get through this, you're a tough cookie. You're strongest than you know.

I am not religious but I certainly believe in a higher power. Something that helps me is praying/meditation: I'll pray to my higher power and then I use my imagination to talk with my dad, it's like forced lucid dreaming but it's comforting. I'll just relax and close my eyes and visualise my dad sitting on a bench and I'm sitting next time him. We chat and I look at his face, it's lovely.

My friend who lost his mother to cancer said he wrote his mother a letter, put it inside a balloon and let it go up into the sky. He told me that this action made him feel better, like a weight had been lifted. Perhaps you could do something similar when you're ready? I'm not ready to do that yet but when I am, I too will write my dad a letter and I'll send it via the ocean in a message in a bottle. Also, if you celebrate Christmas find a big item of your dads (I chose dad's guitar) and put Christmas fairy lights around it, decorate it beautifully for Christmas and put a candle next to it and I light the candle for him during December. It's weird but it really helps me, I sit next to it a lot and feel comforted.

Make sure you get counselling. You are stronger than you could ever know and your dad wants you to live a full and happy life like he has. We can't spend our whole lives grieving, things get better from what I've been told by my auntie who found her dad committed suicide in their home when she was only a very young woman.

Care for yourself and treat yourself, do anything that brings you any form of comfort and happiness. Book a holiday or something, just have things in the future to look forward to - this really does help. 

Hi Kitch85 - thanks for posting and for your offer to talk. I am so sorry to hear about your own devastating loss. Frankly I can't understand why we humans have to put up with this. I too have feelings of guilt. The whole thing is CRUSHING.

Thanks for posting Gtp. I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now. But thanks for the message.