Yes, I know how you feel. My dad passed away 3 months ago from terminal brain cancer. It was said he'd have 2 years and that ruined me but I kept strong and positive for him to make sure he always had plenty of fun, cakes and wine. But then he suddenly passed away while having lunch one afternoon, he didn't even make it to 3 months after the diagnosis. 
 

When he passed I attempted to kill myself but I realised afterwards how stupid I was for doing that. My dad loved life and fought so hard to survive. Yet I, a healthy young person tried to take my own life. It is not fair. I wish I could have swapped places with him. He brought more to this world than I ever could. His funeral covered the whole town, hundreds of people.

Thank you for posting TeresaLoves. I have also wondered whether I would want to end my own life, just to eliminate the pain of being aware that the love of my life is gone. I haven't tried to kill myself but there are certainly moments when I think that the only way to deal with the horror of the loss is to be unconscious myself. Like you, though, I've also thought that killing myself would be the wrong thing to do. 

Funnily enough, I also, again like you, wished I could swap places with my dad, or at least to go with him. When he was dying I wanted to die with him. Since he's my other half, being separated from him is being separated from myself, my BETTER self.

I am also angry because all this talk of "winning the war against cancer" is ********. In cases like my father's (and it seems your father's) we're not "winning" anything.

Anyway, I hope you are finding some strength TeresaLoves. There are times when I feel I'm on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown and will end up needing to go into a mental health ward. I scream and shout and cry and feel so lost and desperate. And there's only one person I can think of who could make it better - my dad.

Hi Bras, 

Its been a while since i've posted on here. It'll be 6 months on the 9th of this month since my Dad passed away. I wondered how you was getting on because its was about 5 months ago since I was last here. 

As for me, well I been trying to get on and feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoudlers, not only because Dad's gone, but because there was so much to sort out in the meantime. For some reason life decided to throw lots of challenges as soon as he died - i feel like it was a test of my metal. 

When Dad was ill, i recorded lots of audio recordings of him and me chatting. I am sat here tonight listening to a lot of those recordings and its bittersweet. It gives me great comfort and im so happy I did record him, however it makes me miss him even more and makes me very sad -  I just cannot believe he doesn't exisit anymore!?  For the brief moments I play the recordings, he is here with me, he is alive,  we are together in coversation. But he isn't physically here and it cuts so deep when I walk around thinking about it. 

I hope you are ok, you're definitely not alone...

Hi Peacewind,

Thanks for your message. I am not doing well. Like you, I recorded a few video/audio clips with my father before he passed away. However, I have daily regret that I didn't record more and didn't film when he was actually WELL and could communicate properly. Also, unlike you, I can't even bear to watch/listen to the ones I have. I an certainly imagine the bitterswet feelings you have as you watch/listen. I can't bring myself to experience those feelings. I feel as if I am going to have a mental breakdown whenever I get the feeling (which your feeling sounds like) that my father is there-but-not-actually-there. 

My only coping mechanism is complete avoidance. I can't look at photos of my dad. I DEFINITELY can't watch videos or hear audios. I actually don't know if I can put up with the situation as it is - awareness that my angel and the love of my life is gone.

I am not interested in life without my dad. 

Hi Peacewind,

Thanks for your message. I am not doing well. Like you, I recorded a few video/audio clips with my father before he passed away. However, I have daily regret that I didn't record more and didn't film when he was actually WELL and could communicate properly. Also, unlike you, I can't even bear to watch/listen to the ones I have. I an certainly imagine the bitterswet feelings you have as you watch/listen. I can't bring myself to experience those feelings. I feel as if I am going to have a mental breakdown whenever I get the feeling (which your feeling sounds like) that my father is there-but-not-actually-there. 

My only coping mechanism is complete avoidance. I can't look at photos of my dad. I DEFINITELY can't watch videos or hear audios. I actually don't know if I can put up with the situation as it is - awareness that my angel and the love of my life is gone.

I am not interested in life without my dad. 

I also lost my dad in November . I am utterly heartbroken and overwhelmed with sadness . After getting through losing my mum 3 years ago and going through a 3 year divorce, we thought we would at last have a nice Christmas, with my dad and my daughter, but I found my dad dead in his chair at home alone. He had been there for 2 weeks . I will never know if he suffered , I never got to say all I wanted to , I can't look at his photos , I can't talk about it as I just break down , I am not coping at all and now I have all the problems of dealing with his estate and I am being pressured to get his house on the market. Too many memories in the house of happy times , I can't let go. I don't know how to cope with this .