I feel the exact same way as you. My papa was my world and I'm younger then you. Every day when I wake up my heart breaks and I feel a impending sense of doom because I don't know how I will continue without seeing my sweet dads lovely face or hearing his voice or giving him cuddles. Its devastating to know he will not be in my life anymore. He was on methotrexate and all his hair had fallen out, and I saw his decline but despite him telling me, I couldn't come to terms. My dad wanted to live so much and I am devastated he has passed away when he did everything that was good to try and stay alive. My papa was my soul and my heart. I miss listening to his songs with him like beatles and monkeys and lots of others. Films remind me off him. Its been 7 weeks since dad passed. 7 weeks of torture for me. Miss and love him. Papa wanted to see my wedding. He said zara I will wear this tie when you get married. I feel I let my papa down. He paid on car insurance and he couldn't drive his car because he was so unwell. I love my father..I have many regrets for being snappy sometimes. I really love him from every cell in my heart. I love you papa xxxz

It's just S**T, isn't it? It's now been a year since my father passed away. Every day is the same. Like you, it seems, I go around feeling utterly devastated. Nothing can fill the whole he has left. I occasionally wonder what the h*ll the point is.

It probably won't help you one bit Papalove (Zara?), but I too have the feeling that I let my father down (in several ways, including not giving him grandchildren). 

I wish you all the strength in the world to deal with the awfulness of it all.

Hi,

Does the feeling lessen? I miss papa every day. I'm devastated. I see his clothes and in devastated. What did you do with your dads things?

Zara

Hi Zara,

Sorry for the delayed response.

It has been just over 12 months since my father passed away. The feeling has not lessened at all. I have the same grief/pain/suffering in me every day. That's because my father was (and is) more important to me than everything else in the world combined. 

However, I don't want to give you a depressing message. I know that other people who have lost loved ones say that the feeling does lesson, for them anyway. Personally, I can't see how that will happen for me because, as I say, everything else in life combined is less than my father. He was quite simply the be-all-and-end-all for me.

As for my dad's things, I haven't touched them. I don't look at them (if I can help it). I don't look at photos, or read emails or get involved with anything that is too closely related to my father. I can't stand the pain. It's literally unbearable. Not 'hard to bear.' But unbearable. So I avoid it.

The only strategy that works for me is distraction. Watching stupid movies. Or writing essays. Or thinking about things that have nothing to do with my dad. Distraction.

I just need my b****y dad back. That's the only thing I want.

Wisihing you strength

A

Well I know how you feel. Lost my Dad suddenly 22.4.19...let's say my enthusiasm to succeed in life has left me despite trying so hard. Sometimes Dads love you so much that nobody will ever love you like that again and its a hard feeling to deal with. I have 2 children, a lovely husband, a business that opened 1 month before covid so you have to keep fighting for your family...but deep down inside all I want is my Dad. Yes, he was my oxygen too and if you find a way to get your spark back let me know how. Instead I sit in silence because I hear people saying in my head " well I've lost my dad too, or isn't it time she stopped going on about her Dad...".....he was my best friend and I physically feel an ache in my heart for him...its a tough road pretending to be ok. Being by the ocean gives me some peace and watching the waves..its something. 

Like you Mbagpuss, nature (ocean, mountains, countryside) gives me some peace. And music (although I can't listen to anything linked to my father, which is about 95% of the music I love). You write: "sometimes Dads love you so much that nobody will ever love you like that again and it's a hard feeling to deal with." Indeed. My father adored me in a way that nobody ever will. I adored him in a way that I will never adore anyone else. One of my friends objects and says: "If you have a child, you may love him/her even more." I don't deny that if I ever had a child I would love that child immensely. I would. But (a) I have no interest whatsoever in having my own family/children, and (b) I will never have with a child (or anyone else) the love I had with my father. Everything I've ever valued in life has its roots in my father.

You talk about getting the "spark back." I lost that long ago. Probably when my father was first diagnosed (5 years ago). I've felt for some time now that it may be gone forever. My father basically WAS my spark. He ignited all my hopes and dreams. Without him, it's all pointless.

bras1548,

It made me teary reading your message because I understand what you are feeling and distractions can help in some way making days easier. Even with all my family, who love me, it was hard last year to care about their feelings especially in how I was acting and how they worried,  I was just numb. My Dad, like your Dad, had this hold on me I cannot explain. When that one person was your go to for everything in life, your life mentor, your friend,  your hug, your security....what do you do?

Many times I have to tell myself off, just as my Dad would "pull yourself together Tracey, we will all be gone one day, this is our journey and every human being and animal has to go through it"..I guess its how we deal with it thats important. I have to remember how prescious life is and what would my Dad want me doing right now, feeling this way. He would tell me to pull myself together and each day I have choices. I can choose to do do or be anyone I want because I'm  alive and thats what he would tell me. He would be disappointed that I would feel so sad every day and explain to me, he too had to go on when he lost his parents. 

Girls have a connection with their Dads, genetically we are them in many ways, we carry their behaviours and mannerisms and say things just as they would.  

I'm going to take up surfing, I'm going to start doing things I never thought I could do and maybe you could try that too. 

I have dogs, 3, the naughty ones distract me and it makes get out every day and walk. Try something new...it helps, every little bit helps. Your Dad would want you to I'm  sure.

Hi Mbgagpuss,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I understand the idea or the principle of 'getting on my my life.' And like you, I know that my father would indeed want me to live it to the max. But when everything I do from now on is without him, I don't really care about doing it. There is one thing and one thing only that I want - to wrap my arms around my father and cuddle him and never let go. I want to hold his hand and tell him how much I adore him. I couldn't care less about meeting other people. They're not my dad. I used to love reading novels, but they are completely empty now without my dad. I used to love listening to classical music and jazz. I don't listen to either now because they are tied up with my dad. Everything I love can be traced back to my dad. My counsellor said that it sounded like I had "lost part of myself" when I lost my father. He was wrong. I lost half of myself, or two thirds of myself, or, more accurately still, all of world that matters. The world has no meaning for me without my dad. There is no world for me without my dad. Unless I can be with him at the end of a day, unless I can cuddle him, or share something with him, or hold his hand, or listen to music with him, or feel his love, or see him smile when he feels mine it's all meaningless.

It would be manageable if I could communicate with my dad from time to time (like Simba and Mufasa do in the Lion King). He was and is more to me than everything else in the universe combined.

I also lost my dad in November . I am utterly heartbroken and overwhelmed with sadness . After getting through losing my mum 3 years ago and going through a 3 year divorce, we thought we would at last have a nice Christmas, with my dad and my daughter, but I found my dad dead in his chair at home alone. He had been there for 2 weeks . I will never know if he suffered , I never got to say all I wanted to , I can't look at his photos , I can't talk about it as I just break down , I am not coping at all and now I have all the problems of dealing with his estate and I am being pressured to get his house on the market. Too many memories in the house of happy times , I can't let go. I don't know how to cope with this .