Devondog, 

I was reading your heartbreaking posts. My mum passed away on April 27 so I know how it feels. A lot of similarities to your wife - my mother had uterine cancer that had come back after 11 years in her bowl. She also had a blocked bowl and also passed away vomiting the awful brown liquid. The cancer recurred last May (after 11 years of being absolutely fine) and she had surgery in June. They said they had got all of it; very sadly it was already back last Nov. She was actually more or less fine until a month before she died (except that her legs were swollen). Finally she was admitted to hospital April 17 with abdominal sepsis (bowl blocked again) and very restless, stayed there for 4 nights and came back so so weak, barely able to walk. Was in bed for 6 days (couldn't even turn herself), vomiting. Luckily the district nurses made her comfortable and she passed away while on Midazolam. I think about her last day and hours all the time. Whether she could hear us when sedated, how bad the pain was.

She was 71, much older than your Andrea but still far too young to leave us. My parents would have been married 50 years this October. Neither I nor my brother are married and my Mum desperately wanted to see all that and enjoy her grandchildren. Heartbreaking that we were able to give her none of those joys. She was an amazing person and everyone loved her - so caring, kind, dignified and elegant.

I really feel for you and I dont know what to say except that your wife (and my mum) would want us to find a way to continue. Have you seen Andrea in your dreams as yet? Many people have told me that their loved ones who have passed have visited them in their dreams and that it was comforting and vivid. I saw my mum and she was smiling; she looked happy and healthy. She didn't say anything. I think she was comforting me and telling me she is at peace where she is. I hope that you see Andrea too. 

i know that feeling you are goin through. Your so angry lost and so alone

 You talk to loved  ones, family. But you always feel alone anyway. I feel that im in limbo. I know i cant do anything to bring my baby back but i know that he is still watching over me and our son. In a small way that gives me some sort of peace..please beleive your not alone what your feeling..xx take care  sweet.xxx

dear friend i just read your previous message. About cying later. I too was the same. I think personally for me i was just overwhelmned at thought he had gone sorting the funeral out and staying strong for my son everything just catches up on you and when it all seems back to normal so to speak this is when everything just hits you like a bolt of lightning. Then you have your feelings and hurt and anger, guilt everything just hits you.. xxx god bless.xxx

Hi jassoscared, love as always to you and yours x, I’m so so sorry for your hurt xx , I can’t say anything that could make any consolation xx , Fridays I hate because I look at the kitchen  clock , that time .. when my Andrea passed . But my friend xx I can’t stay sad eventhough it’s easy , what you said about the areas of your house, xx you’ve done an excellent ..I hope that I’ll come through xx your an inspiration x love x whoever reads this and is experiencing sad or loss stick with us we will get through this XX love and bless to all who  deserve it xx

A little poem for you.. remember me with smiles not tears, for all the joy throughout the years. Recall the closeness that was ours a love a sweet as fragrant flowers. Dont dwell on thoughts that cause you pain we'll see each other once again, i am at peace try to believe it was my time i had to leave. But what a view i have from here i see your face an feel you near. I follow you throughout the day your not alone throughout the day. And when angels call...you will be right by my side till then i'll wait at heavens door,me and you forevermore.xxx

Our oncologist, young lady who should know better, had the cheek to start packing her stuff up to make a fast exit after delivering her bombshell of "4 months" !  I said: "hang on a minute,  I have some questions!", she was not happy,  said she had a meeting to get to! Tom (who was too nice for his own good sometimes, unlike her!), said later "I was a bit embarrassed when you said that,  you could tell she didn't want to be there"! Too bad!  you can't just drop something like that on someone and then rush out the room, how rude! These drs might be clever in some ways but pretty insensitive in others!  this is my husband and father of my children we are discussing,  not the family dog!

Devondog 

Hi again yes you will.get through this , you will come through, youn really  will, and if i can help in any way by reassuring  gou that everything you say like looking at the clock and remembering the time 5 o clock that Andrea passed is very normal it's your way of reliving that time your life changed from Andrea's passing.  You will have many memories like this , its your bodies  way of processing and trying to accept what you don't want to accept, but have to accept to go forward with your life. 

Believe me i had all those feeling's the memories of Monday 13th October and the hour i found my husband in the garage in his car.  I hate the 13th , i hated Mondays, i hated October, I hated the time   i still don't like the 13th, im ok with Mondays and  ok with October, but it took a very long time years to be ok with it all. Birthdays  and Christmas  and wedding Aniversarys where also hard for a long while, But agsin its not a raw hurt like it used to be. 

Its not easy  but you will get there in the end ,im 1000% sure of it. 

Im currently waiting for a home visit  as my underarm  where i had my lympth nodes removed has swollen right up, it feels  like its full if fluids, and feels hot to touch. 

The hospital wanted me to go to A+E but i have no transport and the ambulance couldn't get go pick me up till  around 6am . So they decided to send a doctor out to me, and they might not get here untill 3am, so its going to be a long night  waiting for them to arrive.

Thanks for saying i am an inspiration, im not  special  just someone who has had grief in my life and got through it , and just likess to reach out to anyone  going through grief or difficulties they face from it all , after all we all need a friend in life sinetimes ecspecialy someone who undersatands and  has been  through simular things , and has come through it all.

Speak soon you're stronger  than you think, and im here to chat whenever you feel the need.

Much love to everyone, who is reading this and goung through simular things .X.

Hi, had the usual sort of day , spent most of it upstairs sorting my clothes out etc , enough of my dire life, have you had your home visit yet ? This swine of a disease is never going to rest . Gone out and bought some decent air fresheners to cheer the house up, I dreaded the aisle where all that stuff is kept I would say to Andrea you do what you gotta do up there I’ll see you at the checkout, Andrea would meet me with air fresheners etc and say to me What .. it’s decent stuff say say nowt .Now I’m visiting that aisle now getting the decent ones as Andrea would call them. I don’t watch tv at all now I don’t know if it’s because when Andrea was home in bed we would watch Netflix series, but I don’t watch anything couldn’t tell what’s on. My nephew asked what I was watching lately and I said nothing, the  strange  look he gave me , but it’s true no interest x I tried to watch some tv when Andrea passed but I couldn’t settle seemed odd watching something on my own with no one to chat with. Love to all who deserve it you know who you are xxc

Hi Devondog 

Yes i had a visit at 3am, was given antibiotics alls wasn't sure whst is wrong, but didnt want to take any chances in case it was an infection.  

I got into bed at 4am. Still in a lot of pain, i was told you  need ton speak  to the breast care nurses as they would know what it wss. I think  its a build up of fluids  where my lymph nodes being removed and they can't  drain like they used to. My surgeon is calling me on 29th june to discuss the findings of my operation and to explain what their nxt plan if action will be going forward.  So.ill disscuss whats happened with her as well.

Yes aifreshners are good to cheer the house up, and sorting out your clothes is also a good  thing.  Dont worry about what other people think about your lack of interest  in tv, just do whatever pleasesn you and feels right for you. 

Soeak soon x