Hi Devondog

Dont give up life must go on you will have days like these as only early stages for you .  I to lost my husband last September  he was only 54yrs old to unexpected lung cancer that spread to his spine.  We only had a short amount of time as diagnosed in late June last year.  We had been together 26 happy years and have two beautiful children aged 15 and 18 at that time .  We have got an amazing puppy so I do recommend one of those for yourself if you can do this .  I have just bought a static caravan on a holiday resort as my only little business to keep me occupied.  I also get crazy upset as we were still so much in love and think and cry about him everyday but do lift myself up and say I am here and he would not want me to go down that dark hole . Do you have children ? 

Victoria 

Morning Victoria, I’m still hurting so much I’ve been told I’m normal to be sad angry guilty , I feel guilty to be still here and not be with Andrea. When we were taking Andrea to the hospice I looked at our house and said to myself this is the last time you will see this.I cry everyday at different times,I have thought of suicide even the quickest way to do it but as you’ve asked I have to grown up daughters 22 and 25 and they have given us two grandsons so I would cause even more upset to them, a very close friend said to me Ray suicide is a long time answer for a short term problem.Can I ask you how do feel now is the pain as strong . Because of the covid 19 I couldn’t visit towards the end I had to go on and say my goodbyes , I’d ring to see how she was doing mostly sleeping and not expected to wake up, I said goodbye on the Thursday rang at different times on the Friday last call 19:00 hrs to be told Andreas settled and asleep. I was sitting with my oldest daughter when the house phone rang at 19:40 hrs I looked at Hannah and said no, no , Andrea had passed away peacefully I asked who was with her and was she hugged they said yes she was never alone . Victoria I am broken and lost, 5 days later would have been 26 years of marriage, July would mark 28 years together .Thankyou for reading my post ,I see some posts asking for advice and I know what is in store for them and it’s not good because they are about to experience hell so I don’t reply because they may not want the awful truth of what they will read. Your picture of you and your husband is beautiful, take care and to every sole out there in this world look after each other I mean really care for the ones you love, all I want at the minute is half an hour with Andrea when she wasn’t as I’ll as she was in the last weeks x love to all that reads this and to you Victoria x

Hi Devondog

we have so many hurdles but we will get though them . You have got two daughters and two grandsons that’s amazing .  At least your wife got to see her grandchildren, she is still with you in your heart.  My husband always said I was the strong one but never knew I would have to be this strong.  Today has been a tough one as it being Father’s Day, my son has had his girlfriend over but I did get to have a moment with him where we hugged and cried, I have hugged my daughter and had a little talk but she seems to keep things to herself ( she was a daddies girl) I also had my mum over today so that helped.  We are and were a very close family.  This came to great shock to us as he was fit and healthy and it was around this time last year we were waiting for the results of the CT scan.  I was with my husband when he passed but we both had no idea this was going to happen as he had just stared chemotherapy.  We had no time to discuss anything it happened to quick.  I’m sorry to hear that you couldn’t be with your wife but I know she would want you to be there for your girls and enjoy them think of you as two people she is with you .  Yes as time goes on you do get on with you days, there might some days better than others but take it day by day you are allowed to be upset I sometimes feel better after crying I know it make me tired so then sleep well.  It’s normal to cry everyday. It all still feels so surreal but you learn to accept yourself and learn to cope in a way .  We have got to carry on for our child this is what they would have wanted . And yes I do feel guilty but I hope this fades away as we are needed right now.  Thank you for the comment on my pic 

Gemma x

Another day in hell , glad you had a sort of alright day , sorry if Ive said something wrong  but constant reminders that Andreas is gone I rent a house , our choice, but they want to see the death certificate so they can update their system . It was bad enough because my lovely wife was adopted so a birth certificate was  took along time to get , ahhh they wanted that .. I’ve had enough the loss and agony it goes on , I’ve put a photo of Andrea up x love to you and all xxx

Hi, my husband Tom passed away the same day as your Andrea, 3rd April, awful isn't it, still can't believe he's gone and not coming back. He was 44 and we have two girls too, they have just turned 9 and 13,  were only 7 and 11 when he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, already stage four and in his liver, and our world fell apart. We had eleven months with him, but they weren't what you would call quality months,  with that hanging over us (like being on death row), and him being so unwell.  The kids are still so dependent on me and my main reason for carrying on, life doesn't seem much fun any more,  the spark and joy has all gone,  don't know if it will ever come back, maybe.  I think the sun never shines as bright again, it is always behind a cloud. I don't have much advice, just pain as well, but I have heard there is a good online support group for widows someone recommended called WAY for widows aged 50 and under, Way Up for widows 51 - 65 that I'm thinking of joining.  Dont hear from friends we used to know much, and when I do I feel like we don't have much in common anymore, they still have their fit young husband's and don't really understand though they think they do, yeah right! Lately I find myself having little imaginery conversations with him in my mind, feel like I'm going a little crazy but miss him so much.

Hi plebbs we found out this January that there were tumour/s and were inoperable but chemo could be available. But there were quite long gaps in the appointments so we thought there wasn’t much panic and put our faith in the specialists.Our ignorance and their incompetence weren’t a good partnership Andrea was sent to different hospitals for biopsy tests and still the specialists didn’t appear “ in a hurry “ so our ignorance was still there, Andrea wasn’t staged and we were expecting a chemo appointment soon even planning to buy cool snazzy bandanas. But Andrea took I’ll vomiting early one morning Andrea was admitted to hospital the doctors said the cancer had spread and was blocking her bowel but an operation would relieve that pain. Andrea rang me to say that they had checked the scans/xrays and that wasn’t going to be an operation, Andrea asked me to visit very early the next day. I went to her bed she smiled at me and said come close really close .Ray the reason I can’t have the operation is because I’m terminal !!! They’ve told me I’ve got 6/8 weeks to live. Well Andrea came home very ill , district nurses on hand 24/7 . 2 weeks later no better admitted to a hospice ,Brave wonderful woman much stronger than me I broke down every time I visited,stayed every night helped clean her down etc took her out in the grounds for a smoke , funny that she took up it again when she got to the hospice Andrea joked well I’m going anyway. 2 weeks later she’d moved on to another place as she called it, bless you my sweet wife robbed of a long life xxx God bless plebbs even though I slated God when she passed shouting to the sky like a nutter, I’ve mentioned this in other posts  I hate my life and can’t see it getting any better just plodding along with sadness don’t get me wrong I care for my daughters , but life is dark at the moment.Just me and Louis the dog who never leaves my side , love to all who experiencing loss and pain xxx 

Devondog, 

I was reading your heartbreaking posts. My mum passed away on April 27 so I know how it feels. A lot of similarities to your wife - my mother had uterine cancer that had come back after 11 years in her bowl. She also had a blocked bowl and also passed away vomiting the awful brown liquid. The cancer recurred last May (after 11 years of being absolutely fine) and she had surgery in June. They said they had got all of it; very sadly it was already back last Nov. She was actually more or less fine until a month before she died (except that her legs were swollen). Finally she was admitted to hospital April 17 with abdominal sepsis (bowl blocked again) and very restless, stayed there for 4 nights and came back so so weak, barely able to walk. Was in bed for 6 days (couldn't even turn herself), vomiting. Luckily the district nurses made her comfortable and she passed away while on Midazolam. I think about her last day and hours all the time. Whether she could hear us when sedated, how bad the pain was.

She was 71, much older than your Andrea but still far too young to leave us. My parents would have been married 50 years this October. Neither I nor my brother are married and my Mum desperately wanted to see all that and enjoy her grandchildren. Heartbreaking that we were able to give her none of those joys. She was an amazing person and everyone loved her - so caring, kind, dignified and elegant.

I really feel for you and I dont know what to say except that your wife (and my mum) would want us to find a way to continue. Have you seen Andrea in your dreams as yet? Many people have told me that their loved ones who have passed have visited them in their dreams and that it was comforting and vivid. I saw my mum and she was smiling; she looked happy and healthy. She didn't say anything. I think she was comforting me and telling me she is at peace where she is. I hope that you see Andrea too. 

Devondog, 

I was reading your heartbreaking posts. My mum passed away on April 27 so I know how it feels. A lot of similarities to your wife - my mother had uterine cancer that had come back after 11 years in her bowl. She also had a blocked bowl and also passed away vomiting the awful brown liquid. The cancer recurred last May (after 11 years of being absolutely fine) and she had surgery in June. They said they had got all of it; very sadly it was already back last Nov. She was actually more or less fine until a month before she died (except that her legs were swollen). Finally she was admitted to hospital April 17 with abdominal sepsis (bowl blocked again) and very restless, stayed there for 4 nights and came back so so weak, barely able to walk. Was in bed for 6 days (couldn't even turn herself), vomiting. Luckily the district nurses made her comfortable and she passed away while on Midazolam. I think about her last day and hours all the time. Whether she could hear us when sedated, how bad the pain was.

She was 71, much older than your Andrea but still far too young to leave us. My parents would have been married 50 years this October. Neither I nor my brother are married and my Mum desperately wanted to see all that and enjoy her grandchildren. Heartbreaking that we were able to give her none of those joys. She was an amazing person and everyone loved her - so caring, kind, dignified and elegant.

I really feel for you and I dont know what to say except that your wife (and my mum) would want us to find a way to continue. Have you seen Andrea in your dreams as yet? Many people have told me that their loved ones who have passed have visited them in their dreams and that it was comforting and vivid. I saw my mum and she was smiling; she looked happy and healthy. She didn't say anything. I think she was comforting me and telling me she is at peace where she is. I hope that you see Andrea too.