Hi Nicola,

im exactly the same. I lost my mum about 16 weeks ago, and ever since I've had moments where it's just unbearable but I keep thinking oh it's fine I'll see her later anyway. It's like I can't trick my brain into actually believing it, I'm constantly telling myself I'll see her or speak to her later so I don't need to be sad. We haven't cleaned out any of her things yet which none of us want to do at all, but seeing everything just how it was when she was here it's just so hard to imagine that she's gone. I am terrified for when I do start to believe it because it's going to be unbearable. I get so angry too, it's just not fair is it. My Aunty text me the other day saying how she was starting to feel better and happier and it wound me up- I just thought lucky for you! Everyone means well I just have no tolerance for anybody anymore and I'll happily take them on! I haven't seen my dad or my brother in weeks too cause of bloody corona. Just sick of it all.  Stay strong and somehow we'll get through this xxx

Hi RachWBA

Thank you for your reply to my post. I'm sorry you lost your mum.

I can completely relate to everything you say, it's such a surreal feeling. I start to get tearful and then it just goes, like a switch. I know that it will hit and like you,  know how unbearable it will be. 

I saw my mums husband in Sainsbury's last week and immediately I thought where's mum. Sometimes, I wish I could run and run and run and just never see familiar places ever again.

Sorting your mums things will be very difficult and I hope you have support when you do it. My mums husband returned every photo of my children that id given my mum a few days after she passed and I was told if I wanted anything I had to go to theirs and take what I wanted. Couldn't believe it as he put all of her clothes in the lounge and I had to take what I wanted. It was heartbreaking to say the least, I was so angry with him because what was the rush. I will never understand it. I've now got a wardrobe full of her clothes and shoes because at present I can't bear to let any of it go.

I understand what you mean about your aunty I guess she's trying to help you believe it will get better but you need to be able to take it at your own pace. My uncle tells me every time I speak to him that 'they only take the good ones'. Really, is that supposed to make me feel better? I know it's difficult to know what to say to comfort you but honestly it's better to say nothing. 

I hope that you are able to see your Dad and brother soon and that you can give each other ongoing support.

Thanks again and it's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Sending  you my best wishes.

Nicola x

Hi Nicola,

Gosh so many of the things you write are so true and I Can truly feel your pain.My mum had bowel cancer, it was diagnosed 2 1/2 yrs ago you talk about denial even through chemo etc I anted to believe that we would make it through. Mum was so positive and strong, like yours had played a big part in the grandchildrens lives. Of that we should be grateful but we are still consumed in grief currently. 

Middle of March Mum took a turn and ended back in hospital and moved to hospice even then on her determination to come home we felt we could get over this blip, my sister and I looked after her in what was to be the last few weeks. Mums wishes was to be at home, again during the current lock down I suppose we should be grateful it was that way.

I struggle to talk about it, yet to tell many people as wit makes it so real. I find the lockdown a safe bubble to be in as I haven't got to face the world, but it's only putting off the envitable. I'm a hairdresser and really can't face the whole reliving of it all as clients ask. 

Yes have thought about hospice  counciling, it may help, not sure, it won't change the out come. Mum was 75 also, my daughter 22 just about to sit uni exams so very sad her Nan won't be here on completion as she was an inspiration and so enjoyed my daughters achievements.

Its all so heart breaking, like hitting a brick wall or being thrown in the air in to lots of pieces. You know love is cruel. It's because we loved them so much that it hurts so much. People say be kind to yourself! 

Not sure anything makes sense currently. Keep your Mum close think about her as much as you like every minute of everyday is fine, I know we all want that last hug, conversation, kiss. There would never be a right time. Your mum is there she's in your heart your very being your smile and your tears. Feel her in you ,feel her with you, she is there because you have her in your heart and we will never let them go.

Take care Nicola, I'm thinking of you. Be blessed that your Mum was your mum and you will always be her daughter. If it helps always happy to be in contact, it helps a little I think. 

Little steps today, Jayne

Hi Jayne

Thank you for your kind words, it makes me realise my reaction is how it affects lots of people.

Losing your mum during lockdown is doubly cruel, I'm grateful that mum was able to see her family during her last weeks.

You're right, we are so blessed to have such amazing mum's in our lives, that's why it's so difficult to have to say goodbye. I agree, you'd never let them go, but I feel she's still with me.

I hope your return to work will be as painless as possible. People will definitely ask as I imagine your clients become friends  and though they genuinely care it's so hard to keep reliving the loss. 

Thanks again for supportive words and as you say we will always be their daughters and they our mums and I'm grateful every day for that.

I too am happy to stay in contact, it does help I think. As you say little steps.

Good luck to your daughter with her exams.

Best wishes

Nicola x

Hello Nicola

I have been thinking of you today, another day of acceptance and adjustment. 

Your right one day we all have to face this cruel parting, as in our birth when our mums adjusted to having us like we have with our children, we can never be prepared for this hurdle. It's not something we talk about is it really, it's so upsetting and no one likes to upset anyone. When we've list our loved ones to early it makes it even harder to accept. Don't think we will ever accept that it's doubley cruel.As they say it's probably best we don't know what's aheD for us. Let's hope when we reach their ages we will be even more worldly wise and accepting as our mums so bravely where. Be thankful for all the lovely memories it was our mums that gave them to us, we won't let anyone take those away.

My daughter finished exams yesterday, we miss mum every minute of everyday and I see that as a good thing. She's right with us.

Hope your finding some strength and comfort somehow. You were obviously loved don't lose that feeling xx.

Take care Jayne xx

Hi Jayne

Nice to hear from you. Yes, another day of trying to accept this new normal.

Like your mum, mine was so proud of her family and involved in us. She was always so pleased to be part of it and my decision making always involved her. She just loved life and it's so hard to accept, as yours was taken way to soon. I feel so envious of those who keep their mums until they are much older. I know I have to let that go but I can't at present. The anger is still at the forefront.

I agree though we are so lucky to have the lovely memories and to have been surrounded by so much love is  amazing and something you can't tak for granted. It's because of this the goodbye is so difficult.

Thanks again for your messaging, it really does help  knowing you understand.

Take care and my thoughts are with you.

Nicola x

Hi Nicola 

Hope your holding up, gosh it's so hard isn't it. All consuming, grief is a hard journey one we wasn't expecting so soon. Thinking of you, I know nothing feels right. 

Jayne xx

Hi Jayne

I'm ok thanks, how are you feeling today?

Yes, it's definitely difficult  to live with each day. Since losing mum Fridays are a low day, I always think this time so many weeks ago she was still here. My mind still won't accept she's gone and I still talk like she's still here. It's such a strange feeling as you know and I'd give anything to be able to say Hi Mum and to hear Hi Nic

My brother changed his WhatsApp picture of him and mum looking at each other. It knocked me for six. It's such a lovely photo and you can see the love, pride and adoration in her face. We were so so lucky to have her, and I know so many people never experience that type of love but it's so hard without her. If only ........

Thinking of you, take care of yourself and family.

Best wishes

Nicola x

Hi nicola

Thinking of you. Gosh everyday is a struggle. Diffenantly a roller coaster. One day you feel a little stronger then your right back at the start again. Hope your brother is helping you through. Still early days really,trying to keep busy sometimes helps for a awhile but we need time to reflect also. Really hope your taking care of you.

sending hugs

jayne xx

Hi Jayne, 

Thinking of you too. Yes totally agree with you, really is like a rollercoaster. I hope you are coping when you have bad days.  I think you are right about the need to reflect, I read lots of people write their thoughts down. Probably helps a lot. Just makes me wonder if I will ever feel content again 

Im very lucky as I have amazing children and a good family.  Hope you are getting support too. 

Life will never be the same.

Sending Hugs

Nicola x

Hi Nicola x

Yes your right, don't think we will ever feel the same again. Having your mum taken to soon is something we shouldn't even expect to get over. ( or even want to). When they are in our thoughts they are very much still in our lives. 

Yes our families and our children give us distraction and our love for them although different to the love between ourselves and our mums is not comparable. We can only hope to offer the bond that was created for us. It hurts everyday, I still and always will love my mum everyday. 

Your in my thoughts, take care

love Jayne xxx

Hi Jayne

Yes, I totally agree, I think about and love my mum constantly, she's never out of my head. I totally get what you mean about never wanting to getting over their loss. It's something you accept and learn to live with in time I guess. I think cos our mums were taken too soon makes you so sad for them, that there were so many more experiences and memories to be made. I struggle so much with the 'This is it' feeling, a part of me still thinks she's coming back. 

I love how our mums taught us how to be mums and that's something you will never have taken away, what's that saying "you reap what you sow". My mum was so loved and the huge gap she's left is testament to her and what she means to us all. I know it's the same for you. Life has to move forward I know but there's so much I want to tell my mum. It's so hard accepting I can't.

Thanks for staying in touch, it helps me so much knowing how others genuinely get how you feel. I think cos we and our mums are similar age you understand what each other is going through. 

Thinking of you, Take care.

Nicola x

Hi Jayne

Yes, I totally agree, I think about and love my mum constantly, she's never out of my head. I totally get what you mean about never wanting to getting over their loss. It's something you accept and learn to live with in time I guess. I think cos our mums were taken too soon makes you so sad for them, that there were so many more experiences and memories to be made. I struggle so much with the 'This is it' feeling, a part of me still thinks she's coming back. 

I love how our mums taught us how to be mums and that's something you will never have taken away, what's that saying "you reap what you sow". My mum was so loved and the huge gap she's left is testament to her and what she means to us all. I know it's the same for you. Life has to move forward I know but there's so much I want to tell my mum. It's so hard accepting I can't.

Thanks for staying in touch, it helps me so much knowing how others genuinely get how you feel. I think cos we and our mums are similar age you understand what each other is going through. 

Thinking of you, Take care.

Nicola x

Hi Nicola

How are you ? Gosh grief is a journey, find I still have tears most days. I've had a big birthday recently,I found that really hard. The thoughts of Mum are never far away. Just wanted you to know I still think about you and your family, hope your doing ok together. Xx

love Jayne xx

Hi Jayne, thanks for thinking of us. I often wonder how you and your family are coping.

That must of been a difficult day for you, trying to celebrate but also missing your mum being there so much. Grief is such a difficult journey.

I think the tears help, I still rarely cry,  I wish I could. I feel wrong for not. I miss my mum desperately, I think about her all day every day. I still haven't moved on from the feeling that she's coming back soon.

I went back to work today on a phased return. I ended up not doing very much, just some training and checking emails so was ok. The first step forward to my new normal although I'd give anything to go back to my real normal.

Take care and best wishes.

Nicola x

Bless you Nicola,

I know that feeling. I think for the rest of our lives the complete void we feel will have a presents about us. It's so hard, I find the start and end of the day worse, I don't not want to think of Mum but it just brings tears to me. Have you still got your Dad? 

All I can say is your not alone sweetheart, im right here with you, I feel your pain. Keep in touch.

regards Jayne xx

Hi Jayne, Thanks for your kind words, it helps me so much knowing you understand how I feel. So sad that grief is part of life.

I totally understand what you are saying and believe that this is how it will be for me now, my mum was such a huge part of my life that her loss will never fade. I know that in time I will learn to live this way but it still feels so wrong and unsettled. 

I think if you can cry it's so much better for you and you are dealing with those feelings, I wish I could cry more  for my mum. My daughters are able to and can get their feelings out there. I do have tears and terribly low days but I don't sob like I thought I would. I'm always waiting for it to happen.

I lost my dad in 2016, it was a complete shock as he hadn't been unwell. My mum and dad divorced when I was a teenager but they remained very close friends. Losing both in a short period has been hard. How about you, do you still have your dad?  
 

Thanks again Jayne, thinking of you and hope you are being supported. Stay in touch and take care of yourself.

Best wishes

Nicola x

Hi Nicola

Gosh, it's all life changing isn't it. People say when you lose someone you love something inside you leaves also. It's like an open wound, not being able to heal. As the days go by, I'm finding it sooo hard. You just miss them so much. The voice, the laughter,mother advise,their hugs.

My dad is 80, now a broken man, so trying to support him also. Going over home tears me up every time. Mum totally looked after dad, cooking etc. So he needs us, so a new learning curve for us all. Life just seems all wrong currently. Certainly can't get my enthusiasm back to do any thing much.

Hows work going for you now? I will be trying to return soon ️.

Do your girls live at home, wondering what ages they are. I have a 22 yr old and a 19 yr old.

Take care Nicola. Glad your there, it helps  xx

Hi Nicola and Jayne, sorry to hear of your losses. My mum passed away of endometrial sarcoma 7 weeks ago. I'm in my early 40s not married and my brother is 37 not married either. My dad is trying to be brave but very sad and cries at any memory. My mum was only 71. She was diagnosed only 10 months prior and was mostly fine until 3 weeks before. Then she rapidy declined. I think about the last 6 days she spent at home a lot -she was on morphine, midazolam and an anti-nausea via the syringe driver. 

She was in a lot of pain for the last 48 hours or so. Then they give her midazolam and she never woke from it. Doesyou know if the pain can still be felt while on it? I worry a lot about whether she could still feel her intense pain, whether she could hear us talking to her. 

It's so sad. I wake up in disbelief every morning too so I totally understand how you all feel. I dont have a husband or boyfriend or children either. Count yourselves lucky that you have them in your lives!

Hi Jayne

Yes, it does get harder as the days go by. I see my mum so vividly but as I step forward she steps back. My heart aches and a laugh, a chat feels so long ago. As you say, the wound will never heal. Have you got any voicemails or videos of your mum? Just to hear her voice again may comfort you. At the moment I can't even look at a picture of my mum, it breaks me and even though I want it to hit, for some reason I have to push it away. I hope in time I can have photos of her around.

Must be so hard going home and your mum not being there, your poor dad. I really feel your sadness. As you say a new way of living. My sister lived with my mum and mums husband, she has very bad days and I can't imagine how hard it is for her. 
 

Work has been ok thanks, I've not had to do my normal job and that has helped a lot, im in the office next week as well so it's easing me in before I start clinical work again. I hope work will be ok when you go back. So hard when your friends/colleagues lives haven't changed at all but we've lost so much.

I've got four lovely girls 35, 33, 30 and 29. My son is 14, I've been very lucky to have such wonderful children and I count my blessings daily. I'm exceptionally close to all of them. My mum helped me raise them and she too was  so very close to them, they've lost a second mum and their struggle is massive. They are there for me though always and help me so much. Second daughter and son still live at home so I'm never on my own. That makes a huge difference for me as they are always there when I'm having very bad days. 
 

Are both your girls at home? Hope you are all able to help each other. 
 

Take care and glad your are there too

Nicola x

Hi rk999

So sorry you've lost your mum, nothing can prepare you and it's so hard saying goodbye. I'm sorry for your dad and brother's loss too. My mum was almost 75, I feel so sad that her life was cut short and that she's missing out on everything she loved so much. 

My mum also had a very rapid decline. It's awful to think of our mums in pain, my mum didn't have the syringe driver attached until her last day so her sedation dose was minimal. I hope the sedation helped your mum but I don't know the answer to your question. 
 

I find this forum very helpful and talking to Jayne has helped me see I'm not alone. It's a comfort when somebody else can identify with the pain and despair that you feel and help you with it.
 

Take care of yourself and your family and i hope you can give each other support. 
 

Please continue to post on this thread if it helps you in anyway.

Best wishes, Nicola 

Hello to you,

Its so heart wrenching to go through this experience, surely only those of us that do can really symphytise. Bless you,mwe feel your pain in the passing of your Mum.

To watch the most dear person you love in pain is traumatic, we had that to and once the pain relief was ramped up you begin to lose the interaction. But it was only then that Mum seemed to be at piece. I know she could hear us talking to her. So I'm sure your Mum could to.Im also sure her pain was gone other wise she wouldn't of relaxed like she did. Mum was a fighter till the end. Of course we didn't want to lose her nor could we watch her suffer anymore with the bowel problem that occurred. It hurts every minute of everyday, a loss like no other. How do we keep going of that I'm not sure. Cry as you must, it won't change what's happened but it is an emotion to be released.

Here if. Want to chat.

kind regards

Jayne

Hi Rk999

Life is so cruel. I lost my precious Mum 6 weeks ago.

Out of the blue diagnosed with Pancratic cancer with liver and stomach mets. Right there and then we were told there was little that could be done. The week previous to Mums diagnosis she was in London with me, having lovely meals and walks and living life in her joyous way as she always did. 
The cancer took hold immediately and each day was just torture for her and for us to see our invincible Mum deteriorate in front of our eyes.

Covid stole 3 weeks from us that we were not allowed to visit her in hospital, I don't think I will ever recover from the sadness of seeing her face through the window looking so lost.

We were then told nothing could be done and I brought her home and nursed her until her last breath.

It all feels like a nightmare you can't wake up from.

I lost my wonderful Dad only 7 months ago suddenly too, we were only 3 months in from trying to make sense of losing Dad when Mum was diagnosed. As I wrote this, I can't believe this has happened to us still.

My Mum was 72, it will be her birthday tomorrow, I am dreading it, the first birthday I will not spend with her, we spent them together always. My Dad was 74, no age at all. They were so vibrant.

I am 39, no children, I feel I have nothing to cling onto, thank god for my husband who try's to lift me up.

The loss of both parents in such a short time is more than I can bare, but I'm still standing and some days I don't know how. Mum was the most caring, loving & fun Mum anyone could wish for, she was my world.