Hi Nicola,

Gosh so many of the things you write are so true and I Can truly feel your pain.My mum had bowel cancer, it was diagnosed 2 1/2 yrs ago you talk about denial even through chemo etc I anted to believe that we would make it through. Mum was so positive and strong, like yours had played a big part in the grandchildrens lives. Of that we should be grateful but we are still consumed in grief currently. 

Middle of March Mum took a turn and ended back in hospital and moved to hospice even then on her determination to come home we felt we could get over this blip, my sister and I looked after her in what was to be the last few weeks. Mums wishes was to be at home, again during the current lock down I suppose we should be grateful it was that way.

I struggle to talk about it, yet to tell many people as wit makes it so real. I find the lockdown a safe bubble to be in as I haven't got to face the world, but it's only putting off the envitable. I'm a hairdresser and really can't face the whole reliving of it all as clients ask. 

Yes have thought about hospice  counciling, it may help, not sure, it won't change the out come. Mum was 75 also, my daughter 22 just about to sit uni exams so very sad her Nan won't be here on completion as she was an inspiration and so enjoyed my daughters achievements.

Its all so heart breaking, like hitting a brick wall or being thrown in the air in to lots of pieces. You know love is cruel. It's because we loved them so much that it hurts so much. People say be kind to yourself! 

Not sure anything makes sense currently. Keep your Mum close think about her as much as you like every minute of everyday is fine, I know we all want that last hug, conversation, kiss. There would never be a right time. Your mum is there she's in your heart your very being your smile and your tears. Feel her in you ,feel her with you, she is there because you have her in your heart and we will never let them go.

Take care Nicola, I'm thinking of you. Be blessed that your Mum was your mum and you will always be her daughter. If it helps always happy to be in contact, it helps a little I think. 

Little steps today, Jayne

Hi Jayne

Thank you for your kind words, it makes me realise my reaction is how it affects lots of people.

Losing your mum during lockdown is doubly cruel, I'm grateful that mum was able to see her family during her last weeks.

You're right, we are so blessed to have such amazing mum's in our lives, that's why it's so difficult to have to say goodbye. I agree, you'd never let them go, but I feel she's still with me.

I hope your return to work will be as painless as possible. People will definitely ask as I imagine your clients become friends  and though they genuinely care it's so hard to keep reliving the loss. 

Thanks again for supportive words and as you say we will always be their daughters and they our mums and I'm grateful every day for that.

I too am happy to stay in contact, it does help I think. As you say little steps.

Good luck to your daughter with her exams.

Best wishes

Nicola x

Hello Nicola

I have been thinking of you today, another day of acceptance and adjustment. 

Your right one day we all have to face this cruel parting, as in our birth when our mums adjusted to having us like we have with our children, we can never be prepared for this hurdle. It's not something we talk about is it really, it's so upsetting and no one likes to upset anyone. When we've list our loved ones to early it makes it even harder to accept. Don't think we will ever accept that it's doubley cruel.As they say it's probably best we don't know what's aheD for us. Let's hope when we reach their ages we will be even more worldly wise and accepting as our mums so bravely where. Be thankful for all the lovely memories it was our mums that gave them to us, we won't let anyone take those away.

My daughter finished exams yesterday, we miss mum every minute of everyday and I see that as a good thing. She's right with us.

Hope your finding some strength and comfort somehow. You were obviously loved don't lose that feeling xx.

Take care Jayne xx

You are probably in shock. My mum died three years ago now and I was signed off for a couple of months. She was my world and I miss her so much. She died of leukaemia 

Hi

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, I thought I replied to you a few hours ago but it couldn't of saved but sorry if you get two replies.

So sorry to hear about your mum and the pain you are continuing to face.  I'm told it gets easier but I think like you I will always miss my mum. This empty feeling will never go and I do wonder if I will ever feel content with life ever again. I totally relied on her and loved spending time with her, how can you ever accept she's gone. 
As you say I'm probably still in shock. I dread the day it hits me and never want to face reality but of course I know it will come. 

I hope you have people around you that are able to support you. My thoughts are with you.

Take care

Nicola x

Hi Nicola 

Hope your holding up, gosh it's so hard isn't it. All consuming, grief is a hard journey one we wasn't expecting so soon. Thinking of you, I know nothing feels right. 

Jayne xx

Hi Jayne

I'm ok thanks, how are you feeling today?

Yes, it's definitely difficult  to live with each day. Since losing mum Fridays are a low day, I always think this time so many weeks ago she was still here. My mind still won't accept she's gone and I still talk like she's still here. It's such a strange feeling as you know and I'd give anything to be able to say Hi Mum and to hear Hi Nic

My brother changed his WhatsApp picture of him and mum looking at each other. It knocked me for six. It's such a lovely photo and you can see the love, pride and adoration in her face. We were so so lucky to have her, and I know so many people never experience that type of love but it's so hard without her. If only ........

Thinking of you, take care of yourself and family.

Best wishes

Nicola x

Hi nicola

Thinking of you. Gosh everyday is a struggle. Diffenantly a roller coaster. One day you feel a little stronger then your right back at the start again. Hope your brother is helping you through. Still early days really,trying to keep busy sometimes helps for a awhile but we need time to reflect also. Really hope your taking care of you.

sending hugs

jayne xx

Hi Jayne, 

Thinking of you too. Yes totally agree with you, really is like a rollercoaster. I hope you are coping when you have bad days.  I think you are right about the need to reflect, I read lots of people write their thoughts down. Probably helps a lot. Just makes me wonder if I will ever feel content again 

Im very lucky as I have amazing children and a good family.  Hope you are getting support too. 

Life will never be the same.

Sending Hugs

Nicola x