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Lost my Mum - All the what if's :(

skipfeeney
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Hi,

I lost my mum last week.  She was 73 and was quite fit and healthy.  I am absolutely gutted, I never got a chance to say goodbye.  I feel so guilty and there are so many "what if's" going through my head its very difficult to move on.

My mum had a bad cough that wouldn't go away and went for a scan about a month ago.  They found she had lung cancer in a very small area.  She was told it was so small and because they had detected it early that it wouldn't kill her.  They gave her the option of radiography or for it to be removed by keyhole surgery.  After much deliberation my mum decided to have it removed.  They did some fitness tests on her and she was borderline for the operation so they brought her in early with a view of strengthening her lungs and breathing before the operation.

The operation was a success and that evening my mum was fine.  The next day she felt a bit ill and requested no visitors - she wasn't up to it.  Then on the morning of the next day, I got called to the hospital urgently.  She had pulled her tracheotomy out and it had caused her heart to stop.  They managed to get it going again but roughly 12 hours later she passed away.  We are all in shock, it was totally unexpected, I just didn't imagine this would happen so never got chance to say goodbye and that I loved her.

I can't stop thinking of the What Ifs.  What if it hadn't been diagnosed so we didn't do an operation, what if we had gone down the radiography route, what if she hadn't pulled out her tracheotomy.  I am kicking myself that I didn't speak to her properly before she went to into the operation, we all just thought it would be a success.  

I am also feeling so guilty, I have 3 kids under 6 and lived an hour away from Mum, I don't think I saw her as much as she would have liked.  I regret not going to see her more, I don't think I will ever forgive myself.

I feel like i don't have a purpose in life anymore and I am mudling through.  On top of this the post mortem results were inconclusive, so tissue needs to be sent off for analysis.  I just can't understand how it all happned!

I thought it might help, writing it all down and it certainly has :)

Thanks

Parents
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    Skipfeeney, I'm so so sorry this has happened, I can only imagine the shock you're going through. You're going to go through so many confusing feelings, shock, disbelief, and what ifs certainly feature for everyone after a loss. I'm glad you said writing things down helped because it's something I do too. Please don't feel guilty, the only guilty party in this is that *** cancer that took your precious mom. My mom died 4 months ago 6 weeks after a sudden diagnosis of lung cancer which had already spread everywhere at diagnosis. I watched her take her last breath and afterwards was so angry at the GPs for not picking up on it and then the hospital doctors for not doing any treatment. And then at myself for not picking up on her symptoms earlier or pushing her to go to the doctors more. There's always a feeling of needing to blame someone but I'm working on that myself, shock is a big factor too. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, all I can say having had my experience is that the initial raw and strong feelings you're having now will very gradually start to become less intense. This will take time I'm afraid and in the meantime you need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. It's all consuming. For me personally finding out every single thing about mom's person cancer diagnosis has helped me to understand more, I've got her hospital records and I can understand a bit better. But I realise this isn't suitable for everyone, my dad doesn't want to know anything about it which is how he copes. We are all different but please look after yourself and eat and drink when you can. Please don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong and know your mom loves you and she'll be with you even if you don't realise this, she will never be far from you. Big hugs X

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    Skipfeeney, I'm so so sorry this has happened, I can only imagine the shock you're going through. You're going to go through so many confusing feelings, shock, disbelief, and what ifs certainly feature for everyone after a loss. I'm glad you said writing things down helped because it's something I do too. Please don't feel guilty, the only guilty party in this is that *** cancer that took your precious mom. My mom died 4 months ago 6 weeks after a sudden diagnosis of lung cancer which had already spread everywhere at diagnosis. I watched her take her last breath and afterwards was so angry at the GPs for not picking up on it and then the hospital doctors for not doing any treatment. And then at myself for not picking up on her symptoms earlier or pushing her to go to the doctors more. There's always a feeling of needing to blame someone but I'm working on that myself, shock is a big factor too. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, all I can say having had my experience is that the initial raw and strong feelings you're having now will very gradually start to become less intense. This will take time I'm afraid and in the meantime you need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. It's all consuming. For me personally finding out every single thing about mom's person cancer diagnosis has helped me to understand more, I've got her hospital records and I can understand a bit better. But I realise this isn't suitable for everyone, my dad doesn't want to know anything about it which is how he copes. We are all different but please look after yourself and eat and drink when you can. Please don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong and know your mom loves you and she'll be with you even if you don't realise this, she will never be far from you. Big hugs X

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