Hi,

I lost my mum last week.  She was 73 and was quite fit and healthy.  I am absolutely gutted, I never got a chance to say goodbye.  I feel so guilty and there are so many "what if's" going through my head its very difficult to move on.

My mum had a bad cough that wouldn't go away and went for a scan about a month ago.  They found she had lung cancer in a very small area.  She was told it was so small and because they had detected it early that it wouldn't kill her.  They gave her the option of radiography or for it to be removed by keyhole surgery.  After much deliberation my mum decided to have it removed.  They did some fitness tests on her and she was borderline for the operation so they brought her in early with a view of strengthening her lungs and breathing before the operation.

The operation was a success and that evening my mum was fine.  The next day she felt a bit ill and requested no visitors - she wasn't up to it.  Then on the morning of the next day, I got called to the hospital urgently.  She had pulled her tracheotomy out and it had caused her heart to stop.  They managed to get it going again but roughly 12 hours later she passed away.  We are all in shock, it was totally unexpected, I just didn't imagine this would happen so never got chance to say goodbye and that I loved her.

I can't stop thinking of the What Ifs.  What if it hadn't been diagnosed so we didn't do an operation, what if we had gone down the radiography route, what if she hadn't pulled out her tracheotomy.  I am kicking myself that I didn't speak to her properly before she went to into the operation, we all just thought it would be a success.  

I am also feeling so guilty, I have 3 kids under 6 and lived an hour away from Mum, I don't think I saw her as much as she would have liked.  I regret not going to see her more, I don't think I will ever forgive myself.

I feel like i don't have a purpose in life anymore and I am mudling through.  On top of this the post mortem results were inconclusive, so tissue needs to be sent off for analysis.  I just can't understand how it all happned!

I thought it might help, writing it all down and it certainly has :)

Thanks