My amazing Mum died just over 3weeks ago. 

She was diagnosed with breast cancer 7years ago but it returned 4years later on her lung. We were of course told that this time it was incurable but they said it was treatable. Mum was doing so well and everything was stable while taking chemo tablets but the medicine they had given her for high calcium levels caused necrosis of the jaw and she was taken off the tablets for several months while it healed. In January we were told there were “worrying changes” in her lymph nodes and in April they said the cancer had progressed further. Despite saying they would put a treatment plan into action, Mum’s condition deteriorated very rapidly. In the weeks before she passed I was distraught! Crying lots, shaking, feeling sick but then, 4 days before it actually happened, a strange calm serenity descended upon me and I have generally stayed like that ever since. Dad and I planned the funeral, I called relatives and friends with the news, booked the flowers, all without shedding a single tear! I didn’t even cry much at the funeral.

I have always been an emotional soul, I would love a pound for ever time I’ve called my mum in floods of tears and she’s had to calm me down, so it feels really weird to be completely emotionless about the thing that I have been petrified of my whole life! 

I am an only child and my mum and I were exceptionally close. I idolised her and the feeling was mutual. We were the best of friends. We still went on holiday with my parents and we’d stay there a week at Christmas, my children adored her. I am so worried she’s looking down and thinking I didn’t care! I’m frightened other people think I don’t care. No one can believe how well put together I am. People say “I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling!” but I can’t feel any pain. Although I know it’s not, at the moment it all feels like I’ve just got to wait a short time and then she’ll be back! I repeat to myself “My mum is dead” but I just can’t get my head around it. 

Has anyone else felt this way? Is this normal? Am I just in self preservation mode? Sometimes I think it’s because I’m way too scared to let it sink in. I don’t want to believe it as I’m too frightened of the pain it will cause. Or could it be that I was a lot more prepared for this than I thought I was? 

All your thoughts would be gratefully appreciated. This really doesn’t feel right