It’s been nearly 9 months now since my mum lost her battle with small cell lung cancer, no sooner was she diagnosed she was gone, she was also in denial and I could not talk to her or tell her how I felt and I also didn’t get the opportunity to listen to how she felt because she did not want to talk about it and no one could even mention the word cancer to her  so she ended up suffering in silence fearing that she would upset us, I feel so broken and lost without her and the only thing I seem to constantly think about is the horrendous suffering she went through, I tried so hard to help but don’t feel like I did enough for her although everyone disagrees and says I’m beating myself up as I was there everyday but I just can’t help these strong feeling of guilt.

i miss her so much but the only memories I seem to think about are her final months from diagnosis to when she died and it’s causing me so much pain that it’s haunting me and I don’t know what to do, it’s almost like I’m having flashbacks, when she passed I did not cry and carried on as normal for my daughter and I think I’ve blocked everything and caused myself more problems by doing so because it keeps popping back into my mind randomly. Seeing and caring for someone you love with cancer is the worst thing ever and those feeling of hopelessness are so painful, everybody just expects you to be over it now and life goes on but I feel like it’s only just hit me now after 9 months and I have nobody who understands what I’m going through and I feel so lost.