My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

It’s been nearly 9 months now since my mum lost her battle with small cell lung cancer, no sooner was she diagnosed she was gone, she was also in denial and I could not talk to her or tell her how I felt and I also didn’t get the opportunity to listen to how she felt because she did not want to talk about it and no one could even mention the word cancer to her  so she ended up suffering in silence fearing that she would upset us, I feel so broken and lost without her and the only thing I seem to constantly think about is the horrendous suffering she went through, I tried so hard to help but don’t feel like I did enough for her although everyone disagrees and says I’m beating myself up as I was there everyday but I just can’t help these strong feeling of guilt.

i miss her so much but the only memories I seem to think about are her final months from diagnosis to when she died and it’s causing me so much pain that it’s haunting me and I don’t know what to do, it’s almost like I’m having flashbacks, when she passed I did not cry and carried on as normal for my daughter and I think I’ve blocked everything and caused myself more problems by doing so because it keeps popping back into my mind randomly. Seeing and caring for someone you love with cancer is the worst thing ever and those feeling of hopelessness are so painful, everybody just expects you to be over it now and life goes on but I feel like it’s only just hit me now after 9 months and I have nobody who understands what I’m going through and I feel so lost.

Parents
  • Hi Josie 

    I'm sorry that you lost your mum  

    I lost my mum on Saturday evening and I'm devastated and I cant cope and it doesn't feel real i miss her so much and i dont know what I'm going to do with out her in my life she was my best friend

    She had breast cancer 9 years ago got to the 5th year and had a year without anything and 3 years ago she got diagnosed with bone cancer and she was fighting and didnt look like she was I'll and last year near Christmas she started to become really I'll losing her balance falling over and no appetite. She went into dorthory house was suppose to be rest bite but she went down hill very quickly and lost her fight Saturday I was there when she passed and I cant get over seeing her having her last breath

    It is so hard seeing the person you love suffering and cant help them I completely understand 

  • Hi Nicky_90

    so sorry for your loss, losing your mum is the worst thing ever and what your going through now is so raw and surreal, sending you lots of love. It saddens me that so many people have just lost there mum and are in the same situation. It’s so unfair and makes you wonder what life is actually all about, I too was there’s when my mum took her last breath and in a way I am glad that I was there with her but it will forever be in my mind and as you know it is such a shock to the system. Hope you find the strength to get through this sad time, sending you and your family all my love, take care. Xxx

  •  

    Hi Joanne,

    I just want to add my condolences on the loss of your mum.

    I cannot add anything to what Chrissie and Nikki have so eloquently said.

    I lost my mum 21 years ago to secondary breast cancer and just wanted to assure you that this awful picture of her suffering at the end will gradually be overruled by memories of happier times, but you have to work on this over time to get this to happen.

    You will never forget your mum, you will always hold her deep in your heart. By the sounds of things you did all you could at the time, so there's no need to feel guilty. Don't worry about feeling so low at present. It sounds as if you managed to stay strong for your daughter at the time and, it is only really beginning to hit you now. Have you considered considered seeking counselling? You are by no means too late to do this.

    Have you got a good photo of your mum in happier times that you could place in a prominent position? It may sound daft, but I did this with my mum and, found myself talking to her photo from time to time. I have found this to be of great solace over the years.

    I am thinking of you and hope that you begin to feel better soon. We all take our own time in dealing with grief.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Thank you for you kind words Jolamine,

    You are so right i do feel like I am only now starting to grieve and feel so bad as I need to be strong for my daughter, my poor little girl has been asking for her nanny a lot lately and it’s so upsetting for the both of us but as she is so young it is so hard for her to understand and except that she has gone forever and this hurts so much, I keep reminding myself that times a healer but right now it’s so hard dealing with all my suppressed grief it is so nice to e able to come on here and have people who understand and Sympathisers with what I have experienced, Thankyou so much for your kind word and advice, I am so grateful.

    josie xxx

  •  

    Hi Josie,

    What age is your daughter? I hope that you can talk to her openly about her Nanny. When you're able. Try to look through some photos with her. Talk about happier times with her.

    It can be difficult to help young children with the death of a loved one. Perhaps seeing a counsellor might help you with this? Many cancer charities offer these services free of charge. There can be a long waiting list for these services, so, if you want to avail of them, get your name down soon. Your GP should also be able to point you in the direction of local services.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx 

Reply
  •  

    Hi Josie,

    What age is your daughter? I hope that you can talk to her openly about her Nanny. When you're able. Try to look through some photos with her. Talk about happier times with her.

    It can be difficult to help young children with the death of a loved one. Perhaps seeing a counsellor might help you with this? Many cancer charities offer these services free of charge. There can be a long waiting list for these services, so, if you want to avail of them, get your name down soon. Your GP should also be able to point you in the direction of local services.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx 

Children
  • Thank you Jolamine, my little girl is 3 so it’s such a difficult age but I’ve been honest and open with her and yet she still can’t understand why she can’t see or hug her nanny, it’s such a shame but that’s life I suppose, Thankyou for your kind words of support.

    Josie xxx

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    Hi Josie,

    It is difficult to try and explain to a 3 year old why her nanny is no longer here., but it is also amazing how matter of fact they can be.  Could you start looking for the brightest star in the sky for example? Many children can accept something like this.

    Counsellors are also good at explaining death to children. Do you have a Maggie's centre nearby. They have people who could help both you and you daughter in the situation you find yourselves in. Your GP could possibly also recommend other people locally who could help you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx