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struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

katie926
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I've posted on this site a few times- but havent been online for at least two months.

My Dad passed away back in October 2018 and everyday it feels as raw as the day he died. I literally never stop thinking of him, and Im so sad thinking hes not here anymore. I feel as though my heart breaks everyday and im constantly so sad. Of course, I miss him more than I could ever try to explain. I still cant seem to get my head around the fact I wont see him again.

Everyone says you will get used to a new normal, but not having my dad here will ever be normal. Its been five months and it some respect its been the longest five months ever, but it also feels as though its flown by. Im 23, and cant bare the idea of having my whole life without him.

I was there through everything, holding his hand right 'till the end, but now I look back with such panic at what he went through. He never changed the whole way through- was the same lovely, kind, funny man he always was. But I feel so much pain thinking that he was just putting on a brave face for me and my family. I know and I've heard so many times that 'hes in a better place and that he wont be in any pain anymore' but all that does to me is reiterates that he was in pain and that towards the end he wasnt in a good place here.

I cry everyday for my Dad- and oddly I dont want that to stop because I dont ever want to accept that hes not here. I just still cant believe hes gone and I'm left without him. I dont feel like I can put into words just how devestated I am but he truly was the only person I knew I could never live without.

Sorry for the rambling- but sometimes I just feel a bit of relief for typing out how Im feeling. Is anyone else in a similar situaition currently?

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    Hello Katie. My dad died in December. He died of pancreatic cancer. He fought bravely for 2 and a half years. I am struggling with it too. I cry every day as it hurts so much. I am 46, double your age but I feel exactly the same way as you. I tell you that in the hope that you don't think that you're feeling the way you do because you are young or alone in the loss you feel. I hope I have that right.

    I too talk to friends and colleagues who say the same as you have said in your post and they say the same thing as you have experienced too. They mean well but it's like they don't quite understand the personal loss.

    Personally, I'm taking it day by day. I let myself cry and talk to my dad (bit mad I know but I do talk to him in my head). Some days are ok. Other days it hits me hard. I think just go with the emotions. I miss him terribly as I'm sure you do with your dad. Go with it though. It's OK to feel the grief. I'm sure we will both come to live with it but that loss will be there and that's OK.

    I hope that helps in some way. The experience of losing a father to cancer is hard and not everyone understands that...but some do.

    Take care and don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do about the  loss of your dad. I for one know what you are feeling.

  • Offline in reply to John8317

    Hi John,

    Thank you for your reply. As horrible as the situation is for both of us- it is nice to know someones going through the same thing and knows exactly how you are feeling. 

    My Dad too died of pancreatic cancer and fought for about a year and a half- a very hard journey with many ups and downs.

    I talk to my Dad too- usually when im driving- and I actually really enjoy getting everything off my chest to him. It does make me sad though that I cant see/hear his response. 

    Thanks again for the response, I hope youre doing okay x

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  • Offline in reply to John8317

    Hi John,

    Thank you for your reply. As horrible as the situation is for both of us- it is nice to know someones going through the same thing and knows exactly how you are feeling. 

    My Dad too died of pancreatic cancer and fought for about a year and a half- a very hard journey with many ups and downs.

    I talk to my Dad too- usually when im driving- and I actually really enjoy getting everything off my chest to him. It does make me sad though that I cant see/hear his response. 

    Thanks again for the response, I hope youre doing okay x

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