Hi fudgecake3,

Welcome to the forum. I'm really sorry to hear about what you've gone through with your dad, and your mum before that. I can only imagine how hard this must have been.

Any uncertainties surrounding these issues can often be the hardest to deal with or to come to terms with so it's natural that you have questions. If you have any specific medical questions, do feel free to explore our 'Ask the nurses' section, as they can often advise on medical issues. However you may also feel that trying to work these things out now may not necessarily provide relief.

Try not to feel guilty. This is a common feeling after a loved one has gone, and it's something I know a lot of other users on this forum have experienced. There's nothing you could have done nor is there anything you did wrong.

Do have a look through this forum at some other threads to see if others have had similar experiences. We have a welcoming community here and it's often useful to talk to others or simply to write down your feelings. I hope you find it a comforting place to be.

Wishing you the best.

Ben

Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi there, Fudgecake - and welcome to the forum, although sorry that you find yourself here at the same time xx 

What a terrible time you have been through. Like Ben says...uncertainty around the passing of a loved one can be so difficult to deal with. 

With my Mum...some things are unexplained several years on. She was in deteriorating health for quite a while (misdiagnosed) and died three weeks after her cancer diagnosis. Her certificate said she died of lung cancer....but....it still puzzles me today how exactly this can cause such a sudden death. She was in hospital (never left after being diagnosed), had made her way down to the x-Ray room with a nurse and was suddenly taken. There are several explanations available...I just don’t know which one it was. 

Eventually....I realised that this uncertainty was consuming me and my life (constant looking this up and research....trying to figure it out myself) and so...I had to put it to bed and say to myself, “as much as this hurts....it is what it is and nothing i find out now can bring her back. I can never be certain of what happened at the end”. I think that was when things changed for me and I started to handle it miles better. I invested my energy into coping with and living with the uncertainty rather than trying to get to the bottom of it. 

Of course, I’m not suggesting you should do this or should feel able to...just something that helped me xx 

You say you feel guilty....which Ben has explained already is very common after losing a loved one. Just wondering.....is there any particular thing you feel guilty about? You can share anything on here that you want - it’s a safe and nonjudgmental space xx maybe we can rationalise this for you to help you to feel better. 

Please do come back - there are some lovely, supportive people here - hope to hear from you soon x 

hi fudge cake this rotton disease can hide slowly growing all seems ok then it suddenly becomes agressive it happend to my partner .and when I lost her life seemed to end no future nothing your poor dad will have been so lost and lonely and whatching the love of your life go  absolutely wears you out physically  and mentaly he probably lost the will to go on don't try and work it out you just can't cancer is a truly unfathomable they just make educated guess about how long . Ime so sorry it's so unfair to loose one parants prematurely but two I can't imagine how you feel . When you feel up to it ring your local hospice and c if you can arrange some counciling its not a magic bullet but it does help you just have to keep at it the pain does dwindle with time but you have to use that time to heal your heart or soul or the pain will last longer by coming on here and talking maybe the start of your healing I do hope so best wishes paul